I daydream about cheating on my partner constantly

My partner is so mean to me. He laughs at me and mocks me when I cry. He makes fun of me for wearing makeup or doing little things to make myself feel better. I truly feel hated by him.

But I’m stuck here with him. This side of him didn’t come out at all until I became financially dependent on him per his constant belittling, criticisms and “requests” from me. He slowly took away certain things from me after I had a child with him, and now he tells me the child is “my job”, so there is even less time that I can devote to earning a steady income and escaping. I have done so much and given up so much for him, but he often treats me like nothing, then he will be nice for a few days. I am not falling for the periodic kindness as much anymore, and instead am finding myself simply waiting through the lull for another storm.

I feel so empty.
I dream about finding a man who will dry my tears and hold me close to his heart when I cry.
A man who will not just shrug and tell me to “suck it up”, but truly try to understand where I am coming from.
Who will not yell at me for small inconveniences I cause (for example, I asked if he could bring me a tampon while I was on the toilet. He flew into a rage and made me feel so guilty, then threw the tampon at me).

I know that I will never find a man like this because I am “used up” and ugly and worthless.

If I ever do find another man in reality… it will likely be the same story over again.

I’m worthless and useless, and I don’t even feel as though I deserve the simple fantasy of a kind person who cares for me as I would care for him, but I find myself slipping into this fantasy more and more, wasting hours of time on it. Sometimes I try to stay in bed as long as possible so I can continue living this alternate life where another man shows interest in me. I know this isn’t healthy.

I’ve thought of death but there are too many people who rely on my existence and I know my death would be a big inconvenience in this regard.

Thanks for letting me rant here.