Lately, I’ve been so anxious about this, so suffocated that I feel I need to vent about it somewhere or I’ll go crazy.
Well… I not even know how to start this, but here I go. For safety reasons I’ll use the name Anna (25 F). Since I couldn’t stay in the same house as my shitty father without risking being beaten up, my mother decided that was safer if I spent thet day at my grandma’s where she (my granny) and my uncle lived. I spent my whole childhood there, but my uncle never liked me, so I always made sure to avoid him. Since one day, when I was 12, I carry with me the trauma of being violated by him. I’m not going into details about how it all happened, but I can tell that the thing involved he seeing me half naked from the waist down, and that when I decided to tell my closest relatives (mom, grandma and my father), but nobody cared or supoorted me.
Shortly after that, I started imagining us having sex something like that. These were involuntary thoughts that came and went all the time and made me agonize to the point of tears. It went on for a long time, until one day it stopped and I was able to go in with my life, as well as I could.
Many, many years later, another uncle of mine – that I considered (yeah, past tense) a father figure – started asking me for help with his technological items, especially his cell phone. It wasn’t unusual for me to come across some porn site when he asked for help, but he was old so I let it pass. The problem was that one day I went to look something up on his cell phone to solve a problem as he always asked, but this time the browser was open to a page of incest porn between uncle and niece. He was right next to me, but despite being shocked I opened another tab in the browser and pretended I hadn’t seen anything and carried on like that. Nobody knows, but after that day, I never felt as comfortable around him as I once had. I started to question some of our interactions, I found myself panicking and wondering if he wanted to fuck me or any of my female cousins… I was disgusted. But the worse is that, for a brief period of time, my rotten brain once again started having involuntary thoughts of me having sex with an uncle, only this time this one.
I always knew that I had daddy issues and a whole bunch of traumas because my abusive father that I was not being able to handle, and I was doing “””””fine””””” ignoring everything that happened with my uncles, but one day, last year, I was browsing here on reddit, until I saw the confession (in another sub ofc) of a girl saying that she was having sex with her own uncle behind her aunt’s back when she was going to work and someone tagged a incest sub in the comments bc it was not the place to post such things. I thought: “wtf ew”, but I went to look because I am a curious person and I was really shocked to have a sub just for this subject so “openly” on a social media. There I came across several stories wondering what the fuck I was reading, until when I decided to read one last story. I came across one of a woman describing how she got into a sexual relationship with her own father. It was so strange because at the same time as I felt extremely nauseous, I felt so aroused that I came really hard. I feel sick just typing this.
After that, I closed the app really fast scared about waht just happened. First there here was shock, then disgust, then guilt and then the realization that I was horny for something so disgusting after everything that had happened to me. I feel as if a part of me accuses me of having enjoyed everything I’ve been through when I was a child, as if I’ve betrayed myself
It’s very difficult for me to feel horny, whether I’m reading or watching something related to sex, and over the years I’d heard about incest, I’ve seen series about it… my cousin (when we teenagers) tried to kiss me and I felt nothing but repulse, so why it was happening now? I was so affected by the traumas that I didn’t realize? Is it normal?
Idk, I just know is that since that day, I found the ideia of incest appealing. Thank goodness I also found that I feel pretty disgusted when I imagine doing this with someone blood related to me. But sometimes, when I remember some of the stories or even imagine about girls around my age or older starting to having sex with their uncle, brother and specially dad, I feel jealous about it. There’s one in particular who makes me very jealous, and then I get disgusted with her and myself and everything I’ve been through in an eternal cycle. And when I say disgust, I mean physically sick. I’m a sick person.
Nowadays I avoid everything about sex, because then my mind goes to certain places and I feel bad. Sometimes out of the blue I catch myself thinking about it and I get horny and then a wave of nausea hits. I feel like a monster, a hypocrite, a weirdo. Anyway, I just wanted to get something off my chest before I delete this whole thing
Comments
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I am so sorry
As someone who was SAed
I think It makes us more sex positive and receptive with the trauma.
Which creates intrusive sexual thoughts in our mind.
I also feel disgusted by the fantasies I imagined with my cousin when I was a teenager.
But she was cool about it when I vent to her thank goodness.
When I found these taboo confessions subs I was also shocked
Even though they were karma farmers
I got confused how these disturbing things are kinks for some.
But then I found I was lying to myself about the “disturbing”part.
Yes, this can be normal. This is our brain trying to take control over the situation because we didn’t have control when it happened. Many people who were SA’ed develop different kinks like this one. It’s unfortunately a very normal response to have when something like this happens to you.
I’m sorry this has all happened to you and I hope you’ve been able to find the support you need by now!
u/Melodic_Couple_1792 this is incredibly honest and brave to share.
I am gathering exactly this type of confession anonymously for a art project and performance. Would you be willing to add this, as it seems perfect.. or whatever else you want to share? This is where to do it:
https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeTcxRI8WhUuawJ_t1cOVLmJGLyT7mGMAoJuk4E6fpE72sUQA/viewform
Would be a very meaningful submission.
This is definitely something to bring up in therapy. I talked about something similar related to my sexual trauma recently. Only it was related to being violated while sleeping. I was abused as a child. I will also often times have anxiety attacks after I get aroused by those things.
Sexual desire is primitive energy that society tries to direct towards socially accepted goals, but if a person has atypical sexual experiences (rape, incest) then sexual desire can go in those directions. Humans, especially when young, are very malleable. It is not pleasant, because this creates a contradiction between personal sexual desires and the cultural norms in which the person lives and tries to conform. The alternative becomes to ignore and try to suppress this part of yourself, or to accept yourself and try to live out your kinks with people you trust and without harming others. Find a trusted lover with whom you can role play what turns you on.
It’s normal. Everyone fantasizes about different things and you would be shocked – not in a bad way, just at the variety of things.
Most people just keep the thoughts to themselves. I’m in a similar situation as you but as a male, and websites such as motherless are good to get the urges out.
As long as you understand boundaries, and not everyone having the same fantasy as you, then it’s okay. Have a blast by yourself and stay healthy.
Firstly, I’m so sorry as to what happened to you, and that no-one supported you. That really sucks. My heart, and best wishes go out to you.
Secondly, I echo what others have said here. You should seek help/professional therapy of some sort. Please don’t blame yourself for the feelings you have now. You had a horrific experience in your younger years, and your brain is having difficulty processing the feelings and emotions and trauma that comes with it. This is something you can’t, and shouldn’t have to, handle on your own. Leaving it untreated will just cause you more problems down the road. You shouldn’t have to live with that. There are therapists and counselors out there who understand these issues and can help you work through them.
Good luck, and all the best.
DDLG stuff, mommydoms and other kinds of fauxcest are popular for a reason. It’s an extremely common response to trauma to fantasize about the traumatic things in a way that makes you feel in control, and at the end of the day, fantasies are abstracted: your brain takes certain kinds of elements and isolates them from context, consequence, and implication. You are a perfectly normal human being.
To add, and I reiterate this is my personal belief, but I think that fetishes are a mechanism through which our ego self destructs so that we don’t get trapped in it. For example, since I was little I had this need of seeming competent and put together, but almost all of my fetishes involve loss of control. Accepting them has actually helped me be more comfortable with vulnerability, and a better adjusted person for it.
A common reaction to having been in a situation that takes the power and agency from someone is recreating the situation in a way they have control over. Healthier people have fantasies and fetishes that help them work through things, less healthy people pass the trauma on to the next generation.
Honestly, it boils down to one thing: brains are assholes. I was sexually abused by my father, so I go through this BS too, it fucking sucks. Dreams, intrusive thoughts, the works. When our brains do this after having experiences like that, it’s usually a way of coping with the trauma.