for starters I wanted to share this because I am spiraling and considering taking my own life on the next week or so trying to get everything out if I do. and I just wanted to share this and why I feel this way.
When I was younger I experienced multiple acts of SA from my older step brother and my cousin like fully having intercourse at the age of 8 or 9 going into 10 I’m not sure if it was penetration but clothes were off.
My mom was also on drugs and left us but when she was around she was cooped up on drugs and had disturbing things in her phone of her naked. it ruined my innocence and made me question myself. I deep dove into porn at a young age because of the internet access I had I got very curious about sex and all of the things and I stumbled across beastiality and never knew what it was. I never actually watched dogs, I honestly think it was cartoons but all the porn and sexual things I was allowed to see I’m guessing made a morbid curiosity
As I dove deeper into the porn I did an disgusting vile act I got my dog to lick my genital area and I hate myself for it and I have never done it again after that day, it’s been almost 10 years since it’s happened, I am 20 now and it happened maybe when I was 12-13 years old I don’t remember the age because I was so young and it was one instance and I feel like the years after I barely remembered it like that time of my life was such a blur but now it hits me and the guilt and shame of me even doing that makes me want to kill myself.
I love animals and the family dog I have now is my family, I WOULD never ever do that again it makes me feel sick to my stomach that i ever committed such an act and I’m contemplating on whether I deserve to live everyone around me is normal and probably have never done something so vile but I have and I have to live with this for the rest of my life I hate myself for it I really do I want to die right now.
I go to therapy and I’m never telling my therapist because I don’t want anyone to ever know this. I just wanted one time to get it off of my chest. I have a bf of 11 months I’m well liked by my peers but I have such a dark nasty secret that makes me want to end my life, I don’t know how I can ever forgive myself. I am such a disgusting human being and I wish I can hit my younger self or do something to show that’s not what u DO it’s so unsanitary and disturbing for the dog. The main thing that bothers me is the act of what I did.
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hi guys I have been overwhelmed with the comments telling me im not the disgusting person I feel like I am and maybe I don’t deserve to die for it, I texted my therapist firstly about the SA and self harming thoughts and when I’m ready or if I ever will be I will tell them abt the unforgiving act I did, I do want to clarify I know I have been been traumatized and really didn’t look at how it could alter my brain there’s a lot more I didn’t mention but I don’t want to excuse the action that I did I know I was young but I still feel ashamed that it was wrong, I’m still not too sure of the age of the incident but i feel like knew it was wrong if I didn’t do it again even if it was that one time but I’m so unsure because the memory is so blurry. I’m still honestly confused and wish I could go back to see what I was thinking but I barely remember it. I am overwhelmed with the amount of support and it has made me want to live not only for myself but for the kind people who took the time out of their day to speak to someone like me. If you think you are too far away from forgiveness you aren’t.
Comments
It was 10 years ago, and you were going through depression and struggle. Just keep going to therapy.
Kids do weird things. You need to truly understand that a good majority of the population has some weird childhood event that they experienced.
Don’t obsess over it. You’re a human being like everyone else. You’re an adult now and know it was wrong and that is all that matters.
You have to tell your therapist your having intense suicidal thoughts. And tell them you had a dog lick your genitals… it’s really not that crazy. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill there. You gotta dig into your childhood trauma about your mother’s abandonment, drug use, and the sexual explicit stuff you saw of her. And of course, you gotta address your own sexual assault.
Don’t kill yourself. I know it must feel like a lot but really, it’s not more than 1000s of people are dealing with. You aren’t alone with any of this. Don’t kill yourself over guilt.
I’d like to first start by saying that I’m so sorry for the traumas inflicted on you as a child. You didn’t deserve that in the least. The fact you feel remorse for something you did like that at such a young age shows how good of a person you are. You were entirely too young at that point to even understand what you were doing or the wrongness of it, especially after the level of exposure to sex at that age. In a way, you were probably trying to understand it and gain some sense of control over the situation. Dogs are the most loving and forgiving souls and I promise you it has/had nothing but love for you and would forgive you if it were capable of that depth of emotion. We’ve all done things we aren’t proud of but the acts you made as a child don’t define who you are. You’re so much more than that and have an ability to help kids who might be in a bad situation to feel safe. I encourage you to find organizations where you live to volunteer, specifically with foster children. They often have camps or even a big brother/sister program where you can be a shining light for one of these kids. I’d doesn’t change what happened to you, but it gives you the opportunity to change someone else’s path with you own experiences. Please don’t harm yourself. You’re so young and have such an opportunity to bring light to the world.
You I didn’t do something “vile” you had been fucked up, and you were eight.
Nobody should kill themselves over something they did when they were eight-ten years old. Your brain isn’t at all developed, and because of your circumstances, you didn’t even know what you were doing was wrong.
It’s not a dark secret, it’s just something you did in your past that isn’t relevant to you anymore. It has absolutely no bearing on who you are now.
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Please, give yourself some forgiveness. Your life is worthwhile.
Tell your therapist, if you can, they can probably help you work through this memory.
I get that this is deeply disturbing, but you were an abused child.
I have a few things that I did as a child that make me deeply uncomfortable to remember, but you cannot change the past.
You didn’t hurt your dog. They were not damaged by what happened.
not only were you a child, you were a victim. it is SO incredibly common for kids around that age to become hyper sexual as a result of CSA. Truly, it is not your fault. you were failed by all the adults in your life, exposed to things a child that young should NEVER be exposed to, and acted on curiosity & learned behavior. this is not your fault, you should not feel the guilt or shame, those who failed you should.
Hey friend. Fellow child of alcoholic and addict parents here. You are seen. I see you. You didn’t have a childhood and neither did I. Keep going to to therapy. Learn to love and forgive yourself for the child you were not able to be.
Baby you really gotta stop and breathe. Everything is going to be okay. You do not need to harm yourself. You were dealt some bad cards in life. You were a young child. Stop obsessing over this, keep going to therapy & every time you feel the anxiety is eating at you re-read this message. You’re not a bad person. You will be ok.
You are not a disgusting human being!! You were a child with surroundings that were not safe to you. The kind of person that you think you are, the terrible unforgivably bad person, would NEVER take it as hard as you have. They would not feel this guilty! It’s understandable to feel shame, but please don’t let it overwhelm you to the point that you believe this single action defines you. Please please seek professional help before you do something that cannot be reversed. You are in no way irredeemable. If you think you are in danger to yourself right now, please reach out to your local resources or loved ones immediately.
as someone who’s abuser used to make them do things with animals i promise you aren’t a bad person for it. sexually traumatized kids do things that they don’t understand and you shouldn’t view yourself differently for how you reacted to that trauma. you already said it yourself, it was gross and you know it was wrong, that’s all you have to do. you aren’t a bad person or a disgusting person i promise.
Try to forgive yourself. You were a child. A child that went through a fair bit of trauma.
Sweetheart I promise you the dog wasn’t traumatised by this. You’re okay. You’re gonna be okay. Please don’t kill yourself over this.
Sounds like you’ve been through a lot. Give yourself a little grace. You were in an awful environment. You were victimized. You just copied what you saw.
Take all that, grow, heal, and let it make you stronger. Maybe someday you can help someone else in a similar situation.
I am a dude and without going into it. I was having sex at 5 or at least mimicked it because an older neighbor girl was acting out what was done to her. I cannot imagine how fucked up her home life was. Pretty much every sexual act you can think of, plus.
The past is the past, and you can not change it, but you can change your future and yourself.
You were a victim and have nothing to be sorry for. I understand you feeling disguised with yourself, thats natural, but the people who did those things and put you in that environment are the true disgusting ones. They deserve that guilt. Give yourself a little forgiveness and get some counseling.
Find peace and know there are good people who care and want you alive and in the world. The past is behind you. Dont let it dictate your future. Definitely dont let it rob you of a future.
First of all, you were a child. Give yourself some grace. I can tell you from having similar experiences as a child, it does get better. But you have to do the work, all of it. Which means saying things out loud that you don’t want to. You should not be seeing just any therapist but a sexual abuse therapist. They have heard way worse than think. It took me a long time to say some horrible things out loud to my therapist but boy, when I did, I can not tell you the relief and release of just getting it out and no longer carrying the burden alone. You are young and have a lifetime ahead of you. It can be happy and healthy. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please reach out to your therapist immediately. That’s what they are there for. I have faith you will make it through this.
Being a CSA survivor means we are at risk for engaging in high risk sexual behavior, it’s part of the impact of the trauma – the fact that you feel the way you do about it is a sign that you have strong morals. It is difficult to both accept our actions and engage in self compassion, but it’s the only way. You deserve forgiveness, you are someone who experienced a LIFE changing trauma – the worst part is the abusive relationship we have with ourselves. Please know you deserve to live, you’re important, and worthy of not only life but a good life!! Please don’t hurt yourself.
All 10 year olds deserve security, safety, lenience, forgiveness, and to be light-hearted; even ones that have done something naughty. Mini you 100% deserves that too.
Please don’t. You were a traumatized child. Kids do a lot of things because they’re experimenting. You didn’t have a good role model to guide you. Please talk to your therapist about this and choose to heal. You have a long beautiful life ahead of you.
Kids do weird things. It’s great to get this off your chest, but highly recommend talking to a therapist about this so you’re able to get help processing and accepting this memory and moving forward. Around that age I was caught licking my friends butthole and I used to stick things in my vagina. We’ve all done weird stuff. But it’s normal to be curious at that age, especially when exposed to something as traumatic as that so young. So sorry that happened.
Listen, that was a stupid kid thing to do, yet that’s just it, a kid thing you did! Doesn’t make you any less than anyone else. Kids experiment with many weird things with their bodies , yours only seems so horrible because it was on a different level outside everyday ideas on sex . It’s something you learned & experienced far earlier than you should have & that’s not your fault. The adults in your world failed you on many levels & actually I’m surprised you made it into adulthood safely or at least alive. I get that it’s a mindfk now that you’re old enough to know better , yet you gotta give yourself some grace. You were a hurt & immature little kid exposed to hurtful things, abuses & neglected. You are not that little kid anymore. Try to accept that you’re not any more sick or nasty than any other sexually abused person, human being! You’ve got trauma & ugly ideas that were all around you in very impressionable years. You don’t have to hate yourself nor your life . The best revenge is to live & live well inspite of it all. You are safe to share with a therapist. There are laws that protect you & your privacy & quite frankly, don’t worry about what a therapist thinks of you. You only need their skills & time to help you sort out your trauma . You said you have a bf & peers that like you, so let them like you, trust a little & let your bf love on you & your peers become your friends. You don’t have to share all of your secrets with them, it is wise to dump them in therapy , get help sorting through & then help to dump them there. You’ve lost so much precious time getting to know yourself & learning to like then love yourself, don’t give up now . Just keep trying day by day to forgive yourself , you were a child. It is not your fault. You are worth some real honest effort to heal from this. Please consider giving yourself the chance. Good luck ✌🏼🤞🏼
I’m really sorry for what you have been though. Stay in therapy as it will help, although you really need to tell your therapist your story. Once you’ve open and honest, then and only then will the healing begin! Hell, even Two and a Half Men had an episode where Allen admitted to putting some peanut butter on his genitals then letting the dog lick it off. If they can get away with it in prime time, then it’s really not a big deal….
Hey bby! I work with kids and a lot of young ppl who experience CSA have reacted in similar ways. It’s not a testament to who you are and whether or not you deserve to live. You defined as person for all the things you do in your adult life and whether they are good or bad, not the reactions your undeveloped little mind had to literal abuse and trauma.
Forgive little you and give her grace, you obviously feel incredible guilt and remorse for it and that is punishment enough I know you don’t want to tell your therapist but maybe write a letter to your younger self and work through everything that you’re feeling right now. Forgive her, forgive yourself and LIVEEE <3
If a 9 year old girl confessed to you what you have told us, how would you react? Would you an accept that she was going through some very confusing things at home and made some bad choices? Would you support her going forward? If you could do that for her, you should do it for yourself. Your therapist can’t help you if you are not honest in what you tell him/her.
I can promise you one thing, the world will not be a better place without you around. Try and stay
Kids of SA that have groomed to believe that the acts they are performing were normal like as if everyone else was doing it.
I also victim of SA and grooming we all done horrible things believing it was OK. Until we learn it was wrong and that’s where we have to deal with it. You will be fine. Get some counseling work through it. Don’t ignore it. It’s not worth waiting so late in life and still regret things. If you need anything, just ask there are people who are willing to help with our judgment.
A good therapist will help you let this go. Make sure your therapist has the credentials to be a real therapist and then open up about this. Or find one who specializes in child sexual abuse. They will not be surprised by this at all. They will help you let this go. They will help you see yourself for the innocent child you were who deserved more protection from the adults in their life. Please please tell a therapist, everything will get better.
Please be gentle with yourself. You went through trauma and were sexualized as a child, and that shaped things in ways that weren’t your fault. Like someone else mentioned, even kids without any trauma sometimes do weird shit. This isn’t something you need to carry forever; acknowledge it, face it and give yourself permission to release it.
I’ll bet a lot of kids have that tbh.
You need to forgive yourself. As a fellow survivor of abuse, you were going to act out in some way, we don’t know how it could come out. You did it, you regret it, but do not underestimate that at that age, you were purely innocent. Do not end your life over it. Your dog was not aware of what happened. At all. What it is hurting is your soul. You have done enough to show regret and your dog now is loved and happy. You loved that other dog, too, but SA survivors sometimes cannot express themselves or where to put their confusion, anxiety and push the lines sexually. I think you have atoned for that action. Talk to a professional. You’re ok.
Well you did not traumatize the dog, so let that go. You should see how I have to stop my female dog from licking my male dog when he’s excited bc we’re getting ready to go for a walk. I don’t even think it’s sexual…I have no idea why she does that. But I doubt very much that either dog thinks about it after the fact.
Considering what you were exposed to, of course you got involved more than normal for your age. Think about what you would tell a young relative who had gone through the same thing, and give yourself the same amount of grace.
I wish the best for you. 💛
Aw honey, you were just a little kid! Give yourself a break. You didn’t hurt anybody. Your dog didn’t mind. Kids are curious. You were abused and exposed too early to that stuff. Of course you didn’t know what to do with it!
NOT. YOUR. FAULT. ❤️
Please be gentle with yourself. And I pray you won’t hurt yourself. Help is out there.
Don’t take your life over that, kids do weird shit when they’re exposed to things too early, you didn’t have the capacity to understand any of that yet.
Shame and guilt are gut wrenching but you can forgive yourself. You were a kid and you feel bad. Ask god to forgive you and move forward.
Children explore sexuality. They’re curious. We all feel shame over the weird and poorly thought out things we do when we’re younger. You caused no harm and you’re not to blame for your early exposure to sex/Porn, you were a victim. Please do not take your life over dumb decisions. We’ve all made shit decisions when we’re not at our best. Give yourself grace, forgive yourself and just be better now that you know better.
You need to get some Gen xrs to tell you stories…We were the latch key generation.
Very little supervision growing up, and as kids we did some crazy stuff!!..
I wouldnt worry ab that..you didnt know any better.
Well that’s a relief. I thought you were going to say something really God awful. Now I agree it’s not the best thing to allow a dog to lick your genitalia, but get real here. Dogs eat literal piles of shit left by other dogs, they eat dead rotting animals, they even eat their own vomit. You did not damage the dog by letting it lick a bit of intimate skin. I promise. The dog is fine.
You were a literal child. Children do interesting things at times before they mature and become a bit more level headed. It’s okay. Really.
Yo, a couple of seriously important things.
First, you were sexually abused. My brother did the same thing to me, it led to a lot of traumatic sexual reenactments that put myself into a world of hurt. Sadly, our society hasn’t been able to get porn under control and that’s NOT YOUR FAULT!!
Second, I know it’s incredibly humiliating and painful, but you have to tell your therapist. This is driving you to the brink of suicide. Getting a professional to talk to about this will do wonders for you, they are not there to judge you; they’re there to help you.
You’re dealing with incredible guilt and trauma and I’m begging you to tell your therapist and please, for the love of god, don’t hurt yourself.
Why is beastiality wrong? Because animals cannot consent. You were a child. Children cannot consent. It is not your fault. It is not your fault.
My two year old tries to touch our dogs penis… I stop him obviously… but should he hate himself when he’s an adult for this act. No, he’s just a kid… he doesn’t know any better. Same goes for you. You know better now and wouldn’t do that again. Its not about the mistakes you’ve made in life. Its about learning from them and becoming a better person. It sounds like you are trying to be the best version of you that you can be right now and thats all you can do. Stop living in your past… what’s done is done… but your future is untold. You can make it anything you want. So go out and be the change you want to see in the world.
You were a kid, i grew up in a fucked up environment. My mother was a “working girl”, my uncle S.A.’d me. I was beaten daily. I learned that i had to protect my sisters. Forgive yourself. You were young, impressionable, exposed to many things, and had to figure out right from wrong by yourself. There’s still plenty of good, quality life to live. Shit happens.
In a few years you are going to look back on this version of yourself with compassion and understanding in place of the hate and disgust you feel right now. You were a child who was failed by everyone who was meant to protect and guide you. You can heal from this, you will heal from this. You are already on the right path by getting it out and talking about it. You are not a bad person, you simply did a bad thing. Thats it. Everyone does a bad thing at least once in their life. You didn’t cause anyone any pain, you didn’t do irreversible damage. I guarantee the dog probably thought it was just an interesting new flavor, no harm felt. Try to give yourself a little grace and hold onto life a little longer. You are so young and have so many beautiful moments worth sticking around for ahead of you. Try to hold a loving space for your younger self while you work through this.
I was also SA throughout my childhood and I also acted out in sexual ways that I won’t be naming on this account as a result.
I have told my therapist and learned that it’s typical behavior for a kid who has been through these types of trauma. There’s nothing wrong with you, there was something wrong with what was happening to you. You didn’t know how to deal with it and acted out.
Okay, to me the most important thing to address here is that your life matters! Everyone, and I do mean everyone has some deep, dark secret they are ashamed of, but do not end your existence over this! You matter! If you need to, you absolutely should talk to your counselor or whoever about this! If they judge you for it, they have violated the professional standards they are obligated to keep. Do whatever you have to do to stay alive. That’s what’s most important here. Life is beautiful. Trust me it really is. It’s worth living.
Secondly, you were a kid back then, everything was out of your control. Nothing you can do about that now, no need to dwell on it. Learn from it and move forward. as for the SA aspect, sounds like you were the victim there. Again, that’s beyond your control. But, there are people who can help
I think you need to have more compassion for your younger self. You never committed the act again so forgive yourself and continue you getting the help you need to deal the trauma you experienced.
You are forgiven, children especially abused children are ALL forgiven. You can just walk away from all of this self torture. Have you seen an 8 yr old lately? They are babies! You had no frame of reference for what happened to you so kids often play out trauma because that’s the only skill they have to cope with. You were just trying to understand what happened. You are NOT sick or a bad person! Please don’t let this ruin your life. There is so much good out there for you to experience and you deserve that happiness. Hope tonight you will read all these responses and see yourself for the innocent child that you were. ❤️
What you’re experiencing is PTSD, depression, and anxiety from when you were younger. You need to forgive yourself. I know it’s not easy to let thoughts go in and out when you have these PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I’d suggest seeing someone to talk to if you haven’t already. You don’t have to mention what you did when u were younger, but talking to someone may help with your diagnosis. Meditation also helps with thoughts. Just know meditation is not instant but with time it will really help. I hope you rethink life and just know everyone does weird shit sometime in their life. I bet if people were more honest you hear some really weird shit. I knew a guy that was adopted and he used to have sex with his sister. They were also really young, the same age and they used to do it all the time. Just imagine him having to see her all the time at family gatherings with his wife and kids. He probably has to hold onto that secret for his whole life. I’m just there is a lot of that going around.
This really isn’t as bad as you think it is. You didn’t hurt or kill anyone, no bullying just the normal curiosity of a child who was exposed to porn and had ZERO role models! I would tell a psychiatrist; a psych can give you meds for your mood and/or suicidal ideations. G-dspeed!
You had a very TOUGH childhood. It’s not your fault, and you’re certainly not disgusting. It’s not the past that defines you, it’s what you do moving forward.
You are forgiven! It is all in the past and you have a full life ahead of you. Please continue to live, there is so much more to experience in life.
My dude, calm the f down… it’s FINE. Like someone said before- kids do weird ass cringey shit all the time. I killed my pet hamster when I was three because it bit me and I’m SUCH an animal lover that it still kills me inside today… but I was just a stupid kid, just like you were. Let it go my dude. There are WAY worse things in life to worry about.
Please talk to someone. A therapist, anyone I promise once you talk about it. Things will get better. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. Honestly worse things and talking to a therapist has helped a lot.
I’m telling you. Your therapist won’t be shocked or look down on you. Therapists have heard many things. They will not tell anyone.I think you would be surprised at all the crazy, wild things people have done in their life. You didn’t hurt anyone! You didn’t kill a pet. You didn’t kill anyone. Please Please don’t do anything to yourself. You need to give yourself some grace. It happened many years ago. It’s over. Live your Best life!!! There’s so much Good for you to do in this life. Perhaps you’d build up your self esteem and worth by helping others. Help at a soup kitchen, nursing home or depending on your age, Habitat for Humanity etc..This One thing done many years ago doesn’t deserve All the space it’s taking up in your mind and heart. Please keep us updated. You deserve to be happy.
Don’t give up. Forgive yourself, is normal to want to experiment, and mostly when you’re a kid. See it this way; Thank god you realized it ain’t good. Keep working on yourself, is a never ending shift, but hey, the world is way better with you in it. Please stay strong! I’ll pray for your beautiful heart to feel some warmth and that you’re able to see all the reasons why you’re worthy of staying in this planet! Is okay, you’re okay, forgive yourself buddy
Sexual things ain’t worth ending your life over.
An ex-girlfriend of mine told me about nearly the exact same thing that she did, but more than once. Kids do goofy shit. Talk to your therapist, if you can. Don’t let it end you. It doesn’t have to.
As a child who was abused, and exposed to things you shouldn’t have been exposed to, it’s only natural you’d recreate some of the things you saw or had done to you. Like, it’s textbook for victims of abuse to engage in patterns like this.
I highly recommend telling your therapist the truth about what happened; it will bring you comfort.
You were a child. The fact you feel bad about it means that you are not disgusting or vile. I pray you listen to the folks in these comments telling you that you are worthy and seen.
Once I tried “it” with my brother we were so young. Confess and move on ok. Your future self will thank you.
You are a victim in this story. There’s a reason we don’t prosecute children: your brain wasn’t fully formed and all the adults in your life failed you.
The shame and the focus on this event might actually even be a way for you not to deal with the actual trauma you went through. Your brain might think this is easier to deal with. Brains are not made to make us happy, they are designed to keep us alive and sometimes these mechanisms backfire.
Please talk about this with the therapist. You can tiptoe around it at first like ” I did something when I was a child to an animal that makes me deeply ashamed, I don’t think the animal was seriously traumatized but I am”
Your story echoes mine, and I understand the shame. It means you care, and recognize that something was wrong with what happened, but let me be clear.
There. Is. Nothing. Wrong. With. You.
Period.
I understand the desire for self harm, I do. I thought I belonged locked up forever or dead. That shame can take you to dark places.
Talk to your therapist.
Talk to us and please please listen. 🙏
The world is better with you in it. You are already ‘forgiven’ (from a religious perspective or not) and you are ALREADY so many big giant steps away from that person who did those things. You are making great choices.
Be as kind as you might be to a friend who shared this story. Or a wee eight year old.
And keep getting help. You are loved ❤️
My partner experienced something like this, and she considered herself a monster for the next decade and did attempt suicide. She had nightmares every night. Then, one day, she decided to confess it to an extended family member who she trusted, and that family member kept loving her back and forgave her. That day, my partner became a much lighter and self-loving person and she had no more nightmares.
I mean this is the most loving way possible … there’s a lot worse that could’ve happened.. it’s not like you penetrated the dog .. as awful that even sounds.. honey you’re not an animal abuser..
I understand how it’s taking a toll on you… but I think it’s just the easiest thing to you can center your frustration and anger on.
You have a good heart.. don’t be so upset with yourself sweetpea
ok… YOU COULDVE DONE WORSE- AND DAMN YOU WERE 8-10, YOU SHOULDNT END YOURSELF OVER IT!
Tell your therapist about your thoughts. I’m sorry what happened…
I’ve been harrassed and i guess sa’d too.
if your religous, repent.
and also idk if youre christan but god bless you.
*virtual hugs*
Give yourself a break. Stop beating yourself up. Just forgive yourself. NOW.
But you were just a kid! And all that awful stuff happened to you. You should try to be more gentle for yourself and work on forgiveness. You should have a therapist, and if this is affecting you like this way, you should definitely tell them. Therapists have heard a lot of weird stuff.
Look into EMDR that’s specifically designed for working through PTSD.
Also, blossoming kids, teens, and even adults experiment with weird stuff even when they haven’t had something like SA happen to them at a young age. 7/8 years old is very young!
Important question:
Are you still in touch with this step brother, cousin, and your mom? Was it ever addressed? And how old were they at the time?
❤️ please keep yourself safe! It may seem like the end of the world, but it’s not. And you’re so young. You should give life a try. If you start working through the issues and take some positive steps, things will likely get a lot better for you! But these issues will only fester if you don’t address them.
NOT the same at all, but I was SA when I was 13 and it has had a negative effect on my life and ruined some relationships. I’ve had therapist but never really opened up about it for a long time and it has negatively affected my life. Overeating, I’m very overweight, has ruined some relationships.
And I’m 41F. Don’t hold that back when working through it with a professional. Grab it by the horns and let it go, once and for all. YOU DESERVE IT!
I’ve done some self-development work which has really helped with other areas. Send me a message if you’d like info.
❤️
Please please please talk to your therapist about this. I promise you, kids do things like this all the time, especially kids who were sexualized at a young age. I hope and pray this suffering goes away for you. You are a child of God and your are forgiven. We allllll have things from our past that we are ashamed of. Every one of us. Talk to your therapist and let them help you get through this. It will get better. 💛
You aren’t alone with this remorse. During my teens I had a couple of friends tell me they did similar things with their dogs. One of which was actually way worse than yours. As they got older, they were mortified. Kids do stupid things…it’s how they learn. It’s how you learned it was wrong.
Please seek professional help. I know it seems impossible, but it can get better. Unfortunately I’m speaking from personal experience with cocsa. Therapists (and the correct meds) saved my life more than once.
You aren’t the villain in this story, you’re the victim. Being violated and abused at an impressionable age can cause children to experiment before they can fully comprehend the gravity of their actions. Reread your post, but pretend that one of your loved ones wrote it. Would you think their life should be forfeit because of a mistake?
I know it’s hard to fully feel joy when you’re broken. But man, life can be so beautiful on the right side of healing. I promise, it’s worth the effort to get there. I’m so sorry you were betrayed by people who should’ve been your protectors. Don’t let them win. Fight the darkness. Stay.
Man, if you have the means, look for a PSYCHOANALYST to work on this, she is effective in treating childhood trauma and is capable of giving new meaning to this feeling, making you live with it in a normal way, you will understand. but seek this help. I abused drugs and made my family suffer and I realized that this was
As a result of what they did to me, guilt became responsibility, finally, it took me out of a suicidal limbo. take care
You feel a deep sense of shame about something you did as a child, who was exposed to a whole lot that most children shouldn’t be. You didn’t do it to be bad or mean to the dog! You didn’t understand fully at the time. It’s okay to be embarrassed or feel shame about things you did a long time ago. Ending your life means you’ll never get to talk about SA to other people, share how that’s not normal, or reach a place where you feel okay about the choices YOU make as an adult. Life is short enough without taking it early. Please call a crisis line, talk to your boyfriend, talk to loved ones. Trust when I say no one wants you to die over a stupid thing you did when you were a child.
I don’t like that everyone is saying that you were a kid and kids do dumb things. You are the survivor of extreme childhood sexual abuse. Everything you described is a direct result of that as well as the trauma of having a caregiver who was addicted to drugs and not taking care of your emotional needs at all.
I’m so proud of you for writing this. Guilt and shame can only exist in the dark. I wonder if there is a support group for survivors like you that might help you realize you didn’t deserve what happened to you and the results of what happened to you are not indicative of your worth. I can imagine how hard it would be to tell this to someone in person, but I wonder if hearing others’ stories could help you eventually feel safe enough to tell your therapist.
Sending love and light to you!
You were given a warped view of the world at a young age. There are many worse things that you could have done, but didn’t.
You need to work with your therapist to forgive yourself. You certainly shouldn’t die over one mistake. You are worth so much more.
Looking into a past experience can fuel depression. Gazing into the future can produce anxiety. But Now well it’s the present. You deserve your Now to be just that a present ya know. Let that past be the past. Easy right? No but it’s Now so no matter what you already left the past.
its not your fault even if you liked it at the time you were too yong to know any better. I did simular with a guy on my paper route when I was like 11 until about 13 but at the time didn’t know it was wrong
Please know you were a victim yourself don’t forget that. Just know you have reached out and asked for forgiveness by just expressing this. You are not a vile human being you did something you deeply regret and that in itself shows that you have a good heart. I’m so sorry for what happened to you but please know there are many people that will talk to you and know that God forgives he loves you and wants you to go forward and have a beautiful life. It’s in the past you were exposed to things that were done to you as a child that changes a person and their innocence but you can go forward get therapy you don’t have to mention what happened but you need to talk to get closure because suicide isn’t the answer please sweetheart you will cause so much pain and as a mother who didn’t always do the right thing but now is closer to her children that would be devastating. You are in my prayers and ( hugs) you have all these people including myself to talk to at any time. God bless ❤️
You’ve been SA! You ARE a good person. I am sorry for everything you’ve been through as a child. Forgive yourself, it is pointless comparing with what you went trough.
Definitely tell your therapist. They will help you overcome this.
every single person in the world has done something that they deeply regret and if anyone found out they would be so ashamed, you are a human you were abused as a child so you thought that things like that were OK. It is a great thing that you were an adult and not realize that that is not OK. The fact that you feel guilty shows that you are a human but you need to forgive yourself. Everyone does bad things it is OK.
You’re okay. You have a, hopefully long life ahead of you, too do the right things in your life. As kids most have done things or had things done to us that we are ashamed of. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.
That is not the worst thing in the world, it wasn’t cruel, I doubt the dog minded. Children are curious. For god’s sake forgive yourself and talk to your therapist.
Yes! I second kids do weird things and you’re not the first or second person who’s done that! Don’t be hard on yourself and do not I repeat DO NOT take your life it is not worth and the damage that you will do to the people who love is something that no one should have to go through. We love you for you! Now forgive yourself! You didn’t hurt anyone! Relax!
My man. You have to let that shit go. You are not alone in sexually acting out with the family dog, hamster, goat or horse. People try bizarre stuff all the time. Rid yourself of the shame, guilt and anguish. And ffs dont hurt yourself over it. To be equally vulnerable as yourself, I too was a victim of SA from 9-14 and then acted out with anything I could put my dick in – vacuum cleaner- pool suction hose ( dont recommend at all) even did the dog and pb thing as well. We just were a little off kilter but eventually got our head together and are back on track. You will be okay if you forgive yourself, allow yourself some grace and understand that you were a victim and got a little wonky. Please dont hurt yourself over this. Im sure its more common than you think.
I did this too. You’re not alone
You were a young child, trying to sort through the terrible terrible things that never should have happened to you. I’m so sorry you’re struggling with that. You matter and deserve to be loved. Stay strong and please stay here ❤️
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Honestly like ya it’s not a thing to do with a dog, it’s weird because interspecies sex is kinda a no no zone. But like this isn’t your fault. Your clearly in a hyper sexual habit. Plus, in all honesty its not like you hurt your dog right. Tbh honest to all known knowledge, dogs can be super aroused by human hormones and your dog probably really enjoyed the experience. Now am not saying its a good thing to for many reasons. Like for example you don’t want your dog doing this to say your naked family members. But like its not that bad. No harm done really.
Hey friend,
I hear how much pain you’re in, and I want you to know you don’t have to carry this burden alone. You went through things as a child that no one ever should, and those experiences shaped how you saw yourself and the world at a very young age. Children in those circumstances often make choices they don’t fully understand, and that doesn’t define who you are today. The fact that you feel so much remorse shows how deeply you care about others and how different you are from the scared, confused kid you were back then.
You are not beyond hope, and you are not irredeemable. You’ve already shown courage by speaking up here and by reaching out to your therapist about your self-harm and suicidal thoughts. That’s a big step, and it means healing is possible. Please keep going with therapy and, when you feel safe, share more of your truth there—you deserve support without judgment.
Most importantly, your life matters. The world is better with you in it, even if you can’t see that right now. If the urge to harm yourself feels overwhelming, please reach out right away:
In the U.S., you can dial 988 for the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
If you’re elsewhere, you can find international hotlines at https://findahelpline.com.
You deserve love, healing, and a future that isn’t defined by your past. Please stay.
You were so young, don’t worry. I done things I’m ashamed off too. Everyone has secrets, try not to stress. You were a child, it’s ok
There’s a lot to deal with here, I’m gonna touch on only one thing…a reason not to commit suicide. You mention that you have a family dog that you love and is like family to you. That dog needs you and loves you. Stay around to take care of your dog. He needs you. He loves you.
Life was confusing and you were a kid who was confused. Let your adult self give that baby girl some grace 🙏
This one hit home. I did the same thing when I was that age (37 now) and I am constantly hurt anytime I think of how sick that was. I never in a million years would have thought that this would show up here. Your past does NOT define who you are now. It may mold you into the person you have become, but we are not the sum of our mistakes. We are human. We fall short. At least you have finally been relieved of the burden of carrying this by yourself. You’re free of it. It’s okay to carry on and live your life.
The devil who is bringing you this memory to disturb you. You have repented and I believe that God has already forgiven you. The important thing is repentance and change. Don’t get stuck in the past
Hi, I did the same thing. I had a traumatic childhood and I was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD last year. I’m 34 now. I’m here if you need to chat.
As children we all do things when we start to experience sexuality. I remember, at 6ths old, rubbing my clit on the stair railings. I couldn’t help myself & I know my parents knew but they left me alone. I now know that I was & still have a high sex drive! I know you feel horrible but you were just a child! A child who had a rough childhood & was just trying to seek one moment of pleasure! Please don’t beat yourself up for it!!! I’m glad you’re going to therapy & I think you should tell your therapist. This was obviously a very frantic moment in your life. It’s ok to talk about it. Believe me they’ve all heard worse! Also, Your current dog needs you to be their dad!!! So love them to death & please forgive yourself, you were just a child! 💜
What happened to you was abuse and neglect. The choices you made as a kid came from trauma, not from who you are as a person now.
If it helps I did the same and have a mild twinge /cringe when it pops into my mind. You’re not disgusting for experimenting with your sexuality. You were preyed upon and in no way are you at fault.
i was a victim of sexual abuse as a child and i did some weird stuff. looking back i can think of a few friends who were also most likely victims because of what they did as kids with me and each other. learning to forgive my child self was a part of healing i didn’t anticipate.
you’re not alone and none of it is your fault. your child brain coped and behaved how it thought it should. i hope you can find comfort in knowing you’re not alone and you’re not a bad person. you went through awful things. take it one day at a time and be gentle. you deserve good, and a peaceful life. choose yourself and focus on healing.
Please know the world is better with you here. I too was a victim of CSA and I actually did the same thing with my dog when I was around the same age. It took me a lot of time to feel like I’m not a bad person for it, and honestly reading these comments are helping. I see you, I understand you, and I want nothing but the best for you and healing. Please stay alive 🤍
I’m really glad you’re in therapy. Even if it feels impossible, telling your therapist the truth could be a huge step forward.
Sending you love and hoping you are feeling more empowered to work this through in therapy. You deserve to heal
For starters, it’s not your fault. You were abused and should have never experienced that. You were only a baby (not literally but you get my point) when all of this happened. There is nothing wrong with telling your therapist. They understand and wouldn’t want you to feel ashamed because like I said, it’s not your fault.
Life goes on, don’t kill yourself over something that happened when you were a child. Call or text 988 if you’re feeling suicidal.
Don’t beat yourself up over this. Seriously. Lots of kids do weird stuff when they are exploring their sexuality. I know you think you are abnormal, but you aren’t. Totally normal childhood behavior.
Honey. Please don’t hurt yourself you are beautiful. My heart is with you.
You keep saying “the disgusting thing I did” but you have to remember the context when looking back: sexualized at a young age, easy access to hard core porn, no supervision, no reliable role model.
It’s not at all surprising that your curiosity about sex and sexuality took the turn it did.
Stop beating yourself up about it. Something happened once. You can move on…please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
The love you show for your animals and the regret you feel prove that you’ve grown into someone with compassion.
Sending you a hug.
Just so you know you’re not alone. This would be my first time admitting this online. It’s super scary. I still feel bad abt it but I had to tell my therapist and that was when I felt ready. You’ll heal bby trust me, learn to let go of the past it doesn’t help stressing or feeling guilty about it, what’s done is done and now we know better. You are worth so much <3
The fact that you feel shame and never did it again tells me that you’re not a bad person.
A bad person wouldve kept doing it shamelessly.
The fact that it brings you pain so many years later…you sound like you might be a good person if anything.
Stick around. The world needs all the good people it can get right now
I had very similar experiences/situation to you growing up and I too became extremely hypersexual as a child, and then growing up and in to my adulthood as well because I didn’t understand anything about it.
I have also felt the deep shame just like you for a long time.
It’s a lot more common than you think.
I think you need therapy and also do some research in to how SA affects a child’s development.
Bottom line is none of this or what you did was your fault. Please don’t hurt yourself, what happened with the dog was a result of you being traumatised and exposed to things you never should have been exposed and it affected the development of your brain. It’s good you’re aware of it so young, I’m a lot older than you and have made so many mistakes because I never confronted any of what I went through until recently. So please do the work now.
Look. We cannot judge a child behavior the same way we judge an adult. Being in a incestual environment as a child made you curious and there is absolutely no problem for it. You were YOUNG and discovering things. You did NOT know the moral boundaries since no one was here to teach you them.
While growing up, you learned, you realized that some things cannot be done and that’s the most important part of your story.
There is no better behavior than making a big mistake and realizing it’s not ok.
You can actually be proud that you have this state of mind so you don’t reproduce whatever you did.
Some people keep doing it for years and years until they’re adults and they’re the one to blame since they’re not strong enough to have moral boundaries.
Try focus on this thinking.
You had a shitty childhood, you made mistakes, you now don’t want to reproduce them, you’re a much better person than a lots of people living on this earth.
Hey man dont beat yourself up ill bet you 85% of the boys growing up has had a sexual encounter with the family pet. Now you’ll know your into it to deep when the farm animals start looking good. But hey man you just a kid we’ve all did despicable shit growing up in 10 years you gonna look back and say I was thinking dumb
You were a kid and didn’t know any better. The dog didn’t even realize it was wrong and it didn’t hurt the dog. You are not a bad person. Proof that you’re a good person is how badly you felt about that and how you never did it again and would never do it again. You were just exposed to things that you should not have been and you were a curious kid. You were innocent. This isn’t your fault
When you’re exposed to sexual things at a very young age you usually start experimenting sexually very young. don’t beat yourself up. Please dont take your life
Wow what a shitty environment you had growing up….
Talk to your psy about it, it’s a part of the puzzle if your childhood trauma, and possible you focus on that to avoid focusing on the more terrible stuff that was done to you
I’m not into bestiality but having a dog licking you once when you were a kid does not sound that serious to me. Not something to take your own life over
But dude, use more paragraphs
Please reach out for help, your life is so important. Fellow SA victim, also a child who engaged in very odd behavior. It’s hard to not be consumed by these negative thoughts. For me, I find that engaging in serious relationships and welcoming my child in to the world made my thoughts and memories even more intense. You’ll always have these memories, no matter how much you wish you could erase them. I’m sorry you went through this. I’m happy you were brave enough to post here because hopefully you’re able to see that the things you went through, although completely awful, are not that uncommon. I thank you for this post because it was helpful for me to also not feel so alone.
Dogs eat their own poop. It’s no big deal. Maybe you’re projecting? Do you think you abused the dog the way that you were abused? You didn’t. Dogs are instinctual, not emotional. They don’t comprehend that. There is no difference between your face or or genitals to a dog. That dog is not thinking and reflecting and hurting over that moment they way that you are with your abuse. He probably went out and pissed on a tree and chased a cat. He didn’t notice, know, care, or understand.
And yes, you were a kid. I rubbed my own poop on the bathroom mirror when I was a kid. Kids are weird.
I just want to say how brave you are for putting yourself out there by talking about this openly. I’m so glad you did because there are clearly so many people who understand that being abused so young does things to your brain and this is part of why children cannot possibly consent to such things because they can’t actually understand or deal with what it does to your brain, I mean rape wreaks havoc on an adult brain, so for a child who can’t even comprehend giving consent in the first place?
I would also like to say that Jesus Christ got up on a cross and died to absolve us of ALL our sins, then He rose again as proof that we shall do so one day as well when He returns. there is nothing that is unforgivable for a repentant heart and you so very clearly have a repentant heart. God knows your heart better than even you. I promise the Bible holds all answers, read the New Testament and the teachings of Christ, if you give your heart to Him He will give you a peace beyond understanding. Everyone has done something they are ashamed of, NO ONE is without hope. ♥️ God bless.
There’s nothing to worry about and end your life. When my older brother forced me to give him oral sex for the first time, I was only 12 years old. And some evenings, I had to suck his cock. At the age of 18, a gay man penetrated me and a group of soldiers used me as a sexual object. Despite all that, I made my life and I clung to her. For what? Because life is worth living, even if men behave bestially among themselves.
As someone who experienced SA as a child, I feel immense shame that I have a rough sex/rape kink. I think it’s cause it was my first sexual experience so. Idk really. What I’m trying to say, is be easy on yourself. Trauma shows up in weird ways
“Everyone around me is normal” is a big assumption.
That’s not abnormal considering what you were exposed to at that age. Forgive yourself hun. Please forgive yourself. Jesus dropped the charges. You aren’t broken. Please stay in this world. You are enough and you matter.
Oh. This post just breaks my heart. Im so damn sorry for EVERYTHING that you have been thru. Dont be so hard on yourself, first off. Its gross, we agree. But dont go thinking its suicide worthy. Its not. Second, i am a recovering addict and i know pretty much how you grew up. I dont have kids myself, but a lot of associates did. Oh god those kids were dirty, skinny, and almost feral. Exaggeration, but only slightly. The kids had no couth, and zero social etiquette and basic manners. I know they looked dirty as hell. Clothes too. I am so ashamed of myself for turning a blind eye. Im so happy you pulled yourself up and have what you have. Just hang on to your life now, and dont look back.
This was really heartbreaking to hear. I really hope you heal from this trauma. Don’t blame yourself and remember people go through different experiences in life sometimes that’s beyond their control. I am sure you felt good after writing all this. But if you don’t feel comfortable you don’t have to tell your partner or your therapist about this. Since you are really young, you are overthinking . Once you cross 25-26 you will have so many more experiences in life that you will feel at ease. Your pre frontal cortex would develop and you will become more rational and stable. Focus on your life, studies, hobbies, career etc. Something very bad happened to you in your childhood and now you can’t reverse that but I really hope you attain peace. Remember even if you did not say this to your therapist or your partner because of embarrassment, you have said it here and i hope you now feel little better. When I was struggling due to depression, I listened to Aigiri nandini and other music related to maa durga. I watched videos of Monks of Ramakrishna Mission. Those talks were really helpful as I am interested in Indian philosophy. The best thing that helped me was Yoga and meditation. You can try it. I really hope you become a wonderful person, full of love, one who spreads happiness in others life. Wish you love , peace and success.
I am so glad that you have reconsidered taking your own life due to the support here. They are absolutely right. That you recognise the act as wrong makes you a better person than so many others. Talking therapy really does help and i hope you continue your recovery. Sincerely.
You were an innocent child affected by so many factors and are actively trying to repair yourself as a young adult. That’s not a lost cause, that’s a strong person in my eyes. Progress is a long road, please stick around for the journey. You are worthy.
My gosh… plz don’t be so very hard on yourself honi, you were a CHILD and you were experimenting and curious. With what you saw prior and what you were enticed to do, also you were a child with curiosity and on top of that the feeling of your hormones exciting you with a overwhelming feeling with welcoming anything to keep that feeling pretty much led you to where your curiosity took you, seeing and watching that on TV enhanced your hormones and curiosity of being something new that you haven’t tried , so… you went for it. Some people would which are the ones who couldn’t control themselves and let the dog luck him/ her or the other people who could control themselves and masturbated instead, and the other percentage of people found out disgusting and turned to the next channel. That being said, with the upbringing you’ve endured, which others have not and were not as advanced as you, your curiosity got the best of you. There are a people, adults that have dogs and relieve their sexual gratification out on them, allot allow and desire the animal to penetrate and have full on sex with the animal and some allowing the dog to
Plz
You are not alone in all that you experienced at that age. Happened to me, and there are things I did and regret. I consider them life lessons, never repeated them again.
I hope you can learn to forgive yourself! Sending hugs and tissues
Tell your therapist. Look up EMDR as part of your healing journey as it can be really beneficial for dealing with triggers, specific incidents and the re-living of those experiences. I wish you nothing but strength. You were an innocent child and there’s nothing to forgive 🙏🏻
I am consumed by just one thought. Your absolute self loathing may not be due to the fact that you had an encounter with your dog. Perhaps , as an adult, you carry such damage from S.A. that it isn’t the fact it was a dog. You experienced people that had power over you like your older relatives who likely forced or coerced you into serial acts that you didn’t want . Maybe your guilt and shame comes from a place of childhood pain that feels like you forced or coerced something weaker than yourself into doing something unwanted. Placing you in the category of an abuser. I personally don’t see this as you being an abuser, I see it as you being in a horrible situation with no power over your abusers and trying to answer the questions you had or may still have. You are a living, breathing survivor. No matter what you did to survive, you made it 10 to 12 years. There is beauty in that. I know from experience that I always feared being like those who hurt me. I never wanted to hurt others but I often wanted to hurt myself and those who harmed me. 25+ years of therapy and I still can’t find the answers to why. Why me? Why the actions? Perhaps you can take a deep breath and give yourself some grace. After all, if this was something you heard someone else saying about themselves, I bet you’d tell them what I am telling you. My dear survivor, you deserve some grace. I will send you healing light and grace and hope that it finds you alive for many many more years.
You are punishing yourself now, because 20 year old you, NOW, understands the full gravity of the acts.
But 20 year old you, NOW, with that understanding, is not the one who did those things. The one who did was a messed up CHILD, who did not have the knowledge or understanding to grasp what those choices meant.
Please give yourself NOW, 20 year old You. Give the same grace you would give a child in the same situation. Love and forgive them and help them learn and do better.
You went through some of the worst things a child could go through. CSA is so horrifically damaging to children, and it has the potential to rewire your brain. It’s proven that young people who endure that can deal with hypersexuality, which sounds like hat you may have experienced as a child.
As for the act, you are allowed to forgive yourself. You were a child who could not rationalize what had happened to you. As hard as it is, speak with your therapist when you’re ready. Don’t keep obsessing over this, allow yourself to heal as best as you can.
Your experiences or past actions do not define who you are, don’t let them try.
Sweetie, you were an abused child. It’s not your fault. You acted out in that way because of what your abusers did to you. This is because of them. This is not on you. You don’t deserve to die over this.
Also, kids do fucking weird shit. Not just you.
I’m glad you have a therapist to support you. Please know this doesn’t make you a bad person or anything♥️
I did much worse things younger and older. I am not taking my life. Change perspective. Sending support to you.
Also it’s not unforgivable. Lots of people have dogs for this reason but they don’t talk about it for sure haha. You were a kid. You were exploding the world. Dog was not hurt. Life is fine.
You need to look at the bigger picture. You said yourself. You was curious about sex at a young age. You’ve been deeply disturbed at a young age. You know what you did was wrong and gross and you never did it again. That’s the main part. You never did it again.
Hi 👋 to be completely honest with you. I feel like you’re torturing yourself about something that it’s not that disturbing I mean is weird but it’s not something like horrible disturbing incredibly awful. I feel like you have to remember that you were just a child. You wouldn’t do it now because you have a fully developed brain. Back then you didn’t. Forgive yourself and move on. You are such a sweetheart. Hehe that’s not a big deal seriously talk about it with your therapist. It will help. 🙂
Do you know why God puts eyes on the front of our faces? So we can always look forward. Let the past go. Be the best person that you can be. Be productive. Be positive. Be inclusive. Everyone makes questionable mistakes when they’re young, especially without proper role models. Stop beating yourself up and look forward.