I did terrible things as a child and I don’t know how to live with myself?

THIS IS A VERY LONG POST BUT PLEASE I NEED HELP!
I was exposed to porn at age 9/10. My friends showed me sensual videos which was not porn but the more I looked for such videos on my own the more I discovered porn. I used to consume it A LOT like a LOT LOT. Everyday multiple times a day for YEARS. I was I think unable to comprehend what was happening I think but just kept consuming it. It messed me up so so so much. It was also during this time I realised that I was “ugly”. Boys never liked me, I lived in a place where girls my age already had a group so I was friends with kids younger to me, I have insulin resistance so I had hyperpigmentation everywhere, acne and bad hair etc. It was the time where I started feeling like I wasn’t even a girl, almost sub human because I was ugly. I felt left out by society in way. My parents were raised in a very strict and toxic family so they used to tell me to stay away from boys, to not talk to them or even be friends with them because it was “scandalous”. Since then I just kept consuming more and more porn very regularly and it really messed me up and my body issues got worse. I developed depression, anxiety, binge eating disorder and a lot of other things. Like all of this got worse in college but it started when I was 11-12. I’m 25 now and all my life has been a struggle. I have never been pursued, never kissed a boy, never had fun, always fought with my pseudo toxic parents, cut myself, binged and tried to purge all the time, never had money to party, never felt pretty, always felt ugly, never could wear tiny clothes cuz of my hyperpigmentation, had acne, never had sex, I basically was NEVER EVER happy in my life. I have always felt alone and had this massive agony and sadness in me. This has messed me up even more. I feel like I have not lived I have only struggled to exist

COCSA?!
When I was 12 I shared a room with my younger brother who was 10. He was asleep one day and I just wanted to know what did the people in porn feel like when they put penis in their mouth. I was hesitant but I pulled his pants down and put it in my mouth but I immediately knew I was so so so wrong and I ended it there. A few months later I was playing with my neighbour’s kid who was 2. We were in a car all alone and my messed up brain wanted to know what people in porn feel when they go down on a girl. I knew in my mind that she won’t know what was happening cuz she is 2 and I think I knew it was wrong? I don’t know I can’t remember. I still went down on her for like 5 seconds and I felt horrible and sick and hated myself. I feel like a horrible monster who deserves to die. I am not able to live with myself. I never penetrated or anything. Both of them never knew what happened and they aren’t traumatised or anything. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I now share a room with my best friend who is the textbook definition of pretty. She lived. She has a great body, had sex, had fun, was pretty, great hair, could wear nice clothes. I was envious of her but I worked through it because I love and respect her. It still hurts me a lot but I’m not resentful. But when we lived together first we had tension and arguments but she never communicated with me. I could tell something was off but she never told me just treated me bad. So I read her diary and realised she wrote shit about me. It hurt me but I saw how I could be wrong in some cases. She also had her sex tapes with a guy. She told me about them. He sent it to her and was always sending her texts about how bad he craves her and my mind was like how does that feel? Am I that ugly? Does everyone’s body look like in porn? What do men want? So I watched her tapes to see what the “ideal” was from a man’s pov. Ofc she was perfect so it broke my heart. I also went through her texts but at this point I don’t even know what I was doing. I did this twice. I was already watching weird fucking porn to get off because vanilla wasn’t cutting it for me. After this whole thing when I watched porn I used to picture her from a man’s pov. Everyone wanted her, she was the ideal, I want her body, she is what men crave. I started masturbating to that. I just kept going. I have stopped now tho. I cannot tell her this because it will only bring her pain. We only have each other and we can’t lose each other. I have always put her needs before mine and been there for her. I have always been a very empathetic and good person except these above circumstances. I can say that with a 100% certainty.

I’m so beyond broken, messed up, a monster. I have suffered so much and I still do. I have never known happiness and maybe porn was used as an escape where I had the control sexually? Because I was never in a romantic or sexual relationship that part of my life is non existent and has developed in a disturbing way.

I just want to know what you think. Will god ever forgive me? Do I deserve to live? Do I deserve to find love and happiness? I can’t do this anymore please help me!!