My (25f) bf (25m) and I moved in together and he has been struggling to find a job. He’s been working his ass off applying and doing what he can. He helps around the house and helps me take care of our pets. He’s been getting interviews but nothing rolling thru. I can tell he’s very upset and he’s expressed to me he doesn’t feel like a man since he can’t support me, as I am our sole financial provider right now.
Today he got a call from his out of touch grandma basically telling him he’s a loser for “not working” and she’s disappointed in him and he should be more like his brother. He was obviously very devastated. We talked and as a joke he was like “I’m sad can I have head” obviously he didn’t mean it but I was like ykw f it sure. So one thing led to another and we ended up having sex and he finished and he attempted to get me to finish.
I have a history of struggling to finish, no fault of his own, but recently hes been making me finish. Yesterday we had sex 3 times in one day. But today, I just couldn’t finish. And he basically told me I ruined it bc I move and squirm too much and I told him I couldn’t help it and he’s like “it’s okay it’s whatever”. Now he won’t really talk to me and went to bed without telling me he loved me or a goodnight kiss…
Should I have faked the cum to give him a little bit of confidence back? I feel so fucking horrible and guilty and embarrassed bc I couldn’t finish. He obviously was trying to gain some sort of confidence and I feel like I ruined it for him… I’m not really sure what to do at this point.. I tried to reassure him but it doesn’t seem to make anything better..
What do I do?
Edit to add context:
I noticed a lot of people here are saying that I should have communicated with him about what he was doing right/wrong while trying to get me to finish. I did. I moved his hands to the correct spot, guided him, told him to go softer/harder, etc. he dirty talked to me the whole time. He CAN make me finish, but this time, I just couldn’t do it. This post isn’t about him whether he can make me finish or not. It’s about how he handled me not finishing and the context before hand. I’ve been with him for 4 years, him not getting me to finish (as a whole) is not the problem.
Comments
Insane
Leave him for the best. I know it sounds like a typical Reddit response, but in your case, it really is the best option. It won’t get any better from here. He’s resenting you over sex. What if you get pregnant and can’t have sex for months? What is he going to do? Is he going to leave because he cant show his “confidence” over sex to you? Insaneee
Okay don’t feel bad for not finishing!!! You literally have no control over this. And if he wants to get mad about something neither of you can control let him. His happiness is NOT your responsibility!
This is not OK on his part do you really want to be in a relationship with so many ways weird tantrums about something like this
Idk if you should fake it, but he definitely needs to know you have his back. That you support him. So sit him down and just talk to him. Hold his hands, hold his face, look him in the eye and say, “hey, i know you’re going through a bad season” (and it’s important you say season because he know seasons, winter, spring, etc., dont last forever). Look him in the eyes and tell him, “WE are gunna get through this”. Tell him, “forget what ur gma said. You’re my man and i believe in you.” Then discuss the sex stuff and tell him you’ll gladly give him a lifetime of chances to make you finish as long as he doesn’t give up on himself. Tell him, “im proud of you”. Then tell him, playfully say….“now get in the bedroom and make me cum”. If that doesn’t work….then you have a decision to make.
I don’t know what in the fuck I just read, but no, you’re not an asshole for not finishing. He’s an asshole for making you feel guilty for not finishing. If this is the type of shit that he’s pulling right now, with no job…… like he should be worshiping the ground you walk on, you are literally funding his life right now. The entitlement is disgusting.
Coming from a man’s prospective Do not fake it! I understand his frustration as he wants to make sure u get off as well, but he has to study ur body. He can’t rush a process. It could be a certain spot at a certain tempo that gets u off. He has to keep his composure and figure it out. Plus not all women get off the same way. Some can get off only from oral. Some can get off by only penetrative sex. Some can get off by both. He just has to be patient and figure it out. And remember u are not the problem!
Ah, poor chap had one thing going for him 😂
NTA, and his reaction is not ok. You shouldn’t be ok with him acting this way yes he is hurt but you need to talk to him or he needs to talk to someone to get out of the pit that he seems to be in. Adding sex to the equation is not good for him either, I hope he finds help soon or that you leave him if he doesn’t soon. Don’t let him self destruct when you are around it will not be good for you if he does
So sorry these worries are visiting you and your bf. Your communication lines appear open and thats great! I am just sure he knows you support him 100%. It is okay to have compassion and be flexible with his job search. Separating the different divisions of our lives gets more difficult if intentional diversions are not taken. Normally you are not “left behind” when sexual delights are sheared? Yes? Be sure to remind him as you wake him up in a way that you would for sure catch 1 or 2 to start yours and his day.
If you’re not in the habit of “faking”, don’t start now.
I sure hope this work struggle passes and you 2 are back to good soon.
Never fake it if you plan on having sex with that person again. If you fake it once, you end up faking it for years and then have to figure out how to subtly stop faking it once you’re tired of boosting someone else’s ego 😬
NTA. Whatever you do, don’t ever fake it. Not only will he figure it out at some point, that will just blow his confidence and trust further. Plus, it means whatever’s going on will never get fixed. Just try to get a sense for what turns you on/off and communicate that more. Perhaps say you’re not in the mood if you really aren’t, before getting in bed. You’re allowed to do that. And if he’s not performing to your satisfaction, tell him why. Communication is vital. And if you can’t teach him, then consider whether you want to continue with that. But again, don’t give false assurances. Men need direct honesty, even if it might be a bit of a downer at first.
For me, I have a “lady’s first” rule. That’s because, unlike men, women need more attention. But it’s not like she must finish if she’s not in the mood. The goal is to be sensitive lovers, which means being sensitive to what the other partner is feeling.
And when a couple becomes hyper focused on the end, it kills the mood.
Tell the whiny BF to get a job.
NTA. You need to try different positions, toys, oral for you, fingering, etc to see what’s optimal for you to finish. It took my wife and I a long time to figure all that out and it’s different for every woman. If he’s mad you didn’t finish, he needs to try harder, and hopefully you’ll be open to different options for that to happen.
Some guys need to incorporate a little vibrator- find a “bullet” sized one. Honestly, if u can get him to be open to using one/you using one while your doing stuff you will always finish and the pressure will be off of both of u. The thing is though, many men see vibrators/toys as an insult, like somehow if u use one it means they aren’t good at sex. This is a bad mindset- try to go for something like its a tool, man’s/girl’s best friend LOL. Good luck. Trust me on this.
And then the worst will begin, you will be stressed trying to have an orgasm, it will be more difficult to have it. I know he is going through a difficult situation, but you can’t carry everything. You should be able to talk about these things without anyone feeling judged, if he continues to victimize himself and makes you feel bad, you should rethink the relationship.
Never fake it. Communicate. Team effort, everyone should get off.
Maybe Grandma is right. It’s not OK to blame you because he doesn’t feel good about himself. You did nothing wrong. He needs to grow up and not take it out on you. Take this with a grain of salt, and maybe reconsider your relationship.
Never lie. Do you understand that you were compassionate enough to give him access to your body while he was down and he did come, and he’s mad at you? Does he take you for a malfunctioning robot. You’re the one that did not come. Are you mad? No! And instead of being disappointed for you and being affectionate, he’s mad? He doesn’t appreciate you. He needs to mature and grow up to face adversity, thing happens in life. Stop infantilizing him and put him in his place. What an AH!
Jesus, the amount of hate for a man these people don’t even know. It’s definitely not the end of the world if he can’t bring you to finish, and it seems likely, from the details we’ve been provided, that this was a blow to his already fragile confidence. It doesn’t make his reaction respectable, but it’s understandable. There are a multitude of ways that you, as his partner, can try to foster his confidence. If you choose for it to be sex, communication goes a long way. You know you have a hard time getting off, and you’re the only one who can feel out the where/what/how. Like I said, though, there are plenty of ways to try helping him, but I do mean try. If he chooses to let his negative circumstances become a vicious cycle and he starts spiraling, there isn’t much you can do. At the end of the day, it’s up to you to decide if the man you know is willing and worth the investment of building together.
Sorry to tell you, but he’s an ass.
When I was concerned about finishing before my partner, know what I did? I learned the alphabet trick, and made sure my partner finished before I even got started. Sometimes multiple times.
If he listens to your body and cares more about your satisfaction than his own… but, that’s not what he’s doing. He’s taking care of himself, first physically and then his ego.
Tell him if he’s gonna be that way, maybe he should just move in with his grandma. Then, do yourself a favor and move on to greener pastures. NTA
It is NOT ON for him to be mad at you because you didn’t have a specific physical reaction during sex. No nope nope. Your orgasms belong to you. They aren’t some fucked up gold star he gets to make himself feel better about himself, and the meltdown because you didn’t have one is utterly, bizarrely self-centered and emotionally stunted.
It already seems like you are doing a lot of work to prop up this guy’s ego. I think the two of you need to find a better balance where it isn’t your job to fix his feelings on top of financially supporting him, emotionally being there for him, and being sexually good, giving, and game. Sounds to me like he has some growing up to do, and that is one thing you literally cannot do for him.
ETA: Him saying you “ruined it” by moving too much is so fucked up I can’t even. Honestly, maybe he’d be better off with a sex doll he can position and control for optimum ego-stroking rather than, you know, a real live woman. Gross.
Unless it’s a pattern of behavior, it sounds like he was deriving self worth out of his ability to please you, and when he failed, his self worth crashed.
Have a serious conversation with him over that. The way he responded isn’t mature or right, but I don’t think he comes from a bad place. He’s gotta figure his shit out and cut out family that is tearing him down
Look I learned a long time ago that if you fake it, you’re stuck faking it forever! I dated a guy a good 30 years ago and I just couldn’t get there with him, he just had no skill! NONE at all! You know the old joke about a monkey humping a football? Yeah, that was him! So I faked it because I liked the guy and I didn’t want him to feel bad and I figured we could get more used to each other and improve together.
Well every time I didn’t fake it, he would act like it was the end of the world! He would try to “repeat what he did last time that worked so well” and there’s me stuck in an endless loop of faking it! And at that point I couldn’t even tell the truth!!!! Can you imagine what’s that would have done to him? Eventually we broke up because of other things but it was such a relief to be done with it!
I had thought he could improve with time and he thought he already knew what to do and he had NO reason to learn anything new or try anything different because he knows exactly what to do! The worst though was hearing him brag to his friends. You know when guys don’t think you’re listening and they start talking about that stuff? Oh he thought he was a damn stud! I feel so bad for the next girl. He’s probably comparing her to me and blaming it on her when it’s not her. Meanwhile it’s all my fault because I faked it!
Do not open that door because you will never be able to go back out of it!
But seriously he’s taking his problems out on you and this is very close to abusive. In fact, the way he’s treating you is emotionally abusive. Why hasn’t he got a job? I mean I understand why he doesn’t have a job in his field! I want to know why isn’t he working at Walmart or a gas station? Be a bouncer at a bar. A bar back! A busser at a restaurant. Any job will do because some money is better than none! He can work on finding the job he really wants while he’s working this other one.
I swear my husband does not stop putting out his resume. Every couple years he’ll get a good offer. Sometimes he takes it and sometimes he doesn’t. But he doesn’t quit working. In the meantime. At one point he was loading trucks for UPS because he couldn’t find anything else. Because we live in the woods. I mean the post office is hiring and they pay really well plus benefits. He needs to get any job even if it’s McDonald’s. Because this isn’t fair to you. He’s not even trying to contribute! And that’s why he feels guilty because he knows he should be doing something even if it’s not his goal job! But he’s not and that is a choice he’s making.
I think you need to decide how you feel about him being 100% dependent on you. Instead of getting a job at Target and only being 50% dependent on you? Again, he’s making these decisions.
NOA in this country or another ✌️
Ahhh young love,Would that all I ever had to worry about was weather or not my wife or gf came during sex.Sometimes she finishes and I don’t.I really don’t think she takes it personally.He just feels bad for himself right now,and he wants you to feel bad too.If it makes YOU feel better fake it,there are going to be worse things to face than this.
Nta. Of course nta. But I think the comments are being hard on him, kinda seems like he was frustrated n emotional n probably didn’t rlly mean to take it put on u. I understand feeling inadequate in your life, it can be really frustrating. ProbabI’d have a convo w him when he’s more like emotionally stable.
I’m sorry – this is a 25 year old?
This man has 2 red flags. Not one, but 2. The first one is how bad he feels about you being the breadwinner. That’s super old-fashioned and frankly sexist. It’s fine for him to feel frustrated about not getting a job, but honestly it’s a problem if he can’t handle you supporting him for awhile. That attitude probably comes with a whole set of other problem attitudes. The second red flat is what everyone else is talking about. He needs to stop taking sex so seriously, and needs to not get upset if you don’t get there. I sure hope he’s worth it, because when I think about it, he has 3 red flags- that whole “I’m sad can I have head?” Wtf??!
NTA. The grandma is, lol. Anyways, sexual frustration is hard for both parties. I hope all rolls around for you two, life wise. 🙂
What the fuck
How long did he rub you, finger you, use toys on you, eat you out? How long did he put effort into making you finish?
I’d call Ray J if I had one wish
Your boyfriend is a manipulative little man child who is pushing his insecurities onto you. It’s not going to get better. Break up with him. He’s a whiner.
I don’t know if you haven’t noticed it, but this post is all about giving this guy too much benefit of the doubt. Like poor bf this, poor bf that, and then the guy just takes advantage of it and uses it to act like an ass with you?
His life can be the biggest mess and it doesn’t give him the right to mistreat you. Stop giving him free passes for being an AH cause he is showing he will use them without remorse
Omg he’s a fucking baby!!! Tell him to grow up & make you cum or fuck off. Like seriously? He’s being ridiculous!!
Definitely NTA. Can you even imagine treating him coldly and saying he ruined everything because he couldn’t perform/finish?
If this behavior continues from him over time you risk associating sex with stress, pressure, and unrealistic expectations, and the cycle just reinforces itself.
He clearly is just projecting his inner frustration. Hes lost another masculine trait to hold onto and is frustrated. It’s a natural reaction but definitely not one where u should do anything but try and help him realise that.
Nta- men can be very sensitive and take it personally if they don’t get their partner there. Women fake it all the time but you shouldn’t feel like you have to if you don’t want to. Fake it if you do or don’t fake it if you don’t want to it’s up to you. Women fake it often because men have very fragile egos and can take it out on you and act petulant if they are unsuccessful.
Best not to fake it and just by a vibrator. Hopefully he doesn’t take it as an insult and can use it to help warm you up. Makes all the difference.
Do you think him not able to find a job and feeling like a loser has anything to do with one another. I know depression can cause men to use sexual satisfaction as a “high” to feel good about something. Maybe he’s projecting that one you and gets “high” pleasing you. It’s the only satisfaction he can give himself in a possible depressive state?
NTA
He sounds immature as fuck
The guy’s depressed and insted of finding a healthy way to deal with the depression he decided to aim it at u for not finishing he feels like a failure in his life and now he feels like failed u . Instead of working through his feelings his blaming u .
NTA
Wtf is his problem blaming you for how your body functions?? What a freaking weirdo he sucks,DUMP HIM. bc blatantly ignoring you after already getting some 🐱from you 3 TIMES in 1 DAY is wild. 💁🏻♀️he should be more greatful. 😒