Throwaway account for obv reasons.
Since I have memory I have always been attracted to death for reasons that not even my therapist know after telling them my whole life. I am a necrophiliac but I would never ever really hurt someone or touch anyone’s corpse and despite going to multiple therapists, none of them have been able to help me.
I am just so tired of being weird, of not being able to enjoy normal porn, of having to imagine my couple in the morgue to get myself turned on, of not being able to enjoy series of movies where they kill people just in case a woman dies.
The worst thing is not being able to explain certain behaviours like not talking about death or not watching any series or movies with death in it. This secret is one I will, I have to carry on with me until the end. Not even my family can know and I am so sick of having to hide such a horrible truth about me, about who I am.
I don’t even know why I go to therapy if they can’t fix me, I don’t even know if I can be fixed but at least it’s reassuring to know that I am trying to do something about it, that I don’t engage in illegal or harmful activities for anyone, that I would never hurt someone or touch a real deceased person. I didn’t wish to be born this way but I can choose not to become a monster.
Thank you for reading. I really needed to, at least, write my thoughts somewhere where I can be read. I’m sorry.
Comments
This is dark , virtual plankton .
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Maybe you can find a sex therapist who specializes in paraphilias. Of course your case is particularly difficult, but many people do struggle with impossible/immoral fetishes and they’re still able to find happiness.
Please remember that thoughts in themselves aren’t good or bad, they just are. Merely thinking about something doesn’t make you evil, only actions do. You are self aware and in control of your own actions, and that what matters. Imagination is what it is, so please be kind to yourself. I hope you’re able to find a way to work through this so you can feel more comfortable with yourself and experience fulfilling relationships.
You can try to visit a sexologist though paraphilia is still not the best understood avenue in psychology.
However, you seem to have a commendable grasp on this interest. I really hope that there is a means by which you can find a partner who can roleplay and assist you in actualizing this fetish.