This story takes place about 5 years ago. I know it’s been a long time, but I still think about what happened sometimes and thought I would post this here: disclaimer, this is long. Anyone who reads it all, thank you SO much.
So I used to be best friends with this girl (not using real names so let’s call her Carol). We met at the place we worked at and became friends. We were both in our early-mid 20’s.
It might not be important to note or not, but I have autism and ADHD and am a high masking female. I didn’t know this at the time I was friends with this girl. Anyways, it’s always been really hard for me to make friends, so I considered Carol my best friend.
She was always kind of cold and distant, didn’t really discuss any of her feelings/personal life. It was mainly up to me to make conversation. We would have weekly hangouts where we would go to a restraint and get drinks. I felt like she only liked me when I got buzzed and started being a little crazy and funny. She would also hardly ever respond to any of my texts I sent, even ones where I was asking a question. She had read receipts on, so I could tell she saw my text but would just ignore it.
She was also not very giving. Like, for Christmas or birthdays she didn’t want to get me any gifts “because she was trying to save money”. I would still do gifts, crocheted her blankets, etc, but she would never reciprocate.
After a year or two of our friendship, I told her something that was very personal and that I had wanted to tell her for a long time. I wanted to be a mom.
It’s important to note in this part of the story, that I’m asexual and aromantic, so I’d never had a relationship before. I had no desire whatsoever to be with someone. Since college, I’d had this dream of getting a sperm donor and being a single mom by choice.
I told Carol over drinks, and it didn’t go well. She laughed in my face, told me I was too immature and that I hadn’t even had sex, like no way should I have a kid. I felt deeply hurt by this. I tried to bring it up again in conversation, keeping her updated to how the process was going (because I did still intent to go through with my plan, even without her approval). She would always cut me off and really put me down about it.
She ended up getting engaged around the same time I brought this up to her. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, but then said, “I don’t know though if you’d make a good bridesmaid” or something to that extent. To be honest, I hadn’t really been like an actual bridesmaid before. I was one at two of my sister’s weddings, but that felt different.
At this point, I was already kind of pulling myself away from the relationship. It felt very one sided. I was so depressed over the whole relationship. She got very distant (more than usual) and after almost every hangout I would go home and just cry.
Well, fast forward to wedding day. At this point, I was pretty much emotionally checked out and was going to do this wedding and then be done. I met her other bridesmaids for the first time. They all seemed not to care for Carol at all. Like Carol was basically just on her own the whole morning and the other girls were just in groups, chit chatting. None of them seemed very close at all to Carol, even the girl Carol said was her best friend (who lived a couple hours away).
I helped do all the bridesmaids hair and other things. Wedding happened, nothing eventful happened. At the reception, I felt so uncomfortable. It’s hard for me to be in large crowds and I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding except for a mutual friend and his girlfriend, who we both worked with previously. I was so glad this friend was there. I was invited to sit at their table with them and it made everything so much better. They ended up leaving after a hour at the reception.
At this point, I felt so overwhelmed and overstimulated, and was in so much emotional distress I just grabbed my keys and walked out and left too. Didn’t say anything to Carol or anyone, just walked out. When I got home, Carol texted and said “did you just leave? Without saying goodbye or anything?” I said something about how I had to get home and had something to do the next morning and said congratulations on her marriage. She didn’t text back and that was the end of the relationship.
It’s been about 5 years since this happened. I became pregnant shortly after this happened, and now have a beautiful son I adore. I just couldn’t get over her being so cold and uninvolved and not supporting my desire to be a mom.
So, AMITA?
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Backup of the post’s body: This story takes place about 5 years ago. I know it’s been a long time, but I still think about what happened sometimes and thought I would post this here: disclaimer, this is long. Anyone who reads it all, thank you SO much.
So I used to be best friends with this girl (not using real names so let’s call her Carol). We met at the place we worked at and became friends. We were both in our early-mid 20’s.
It might not be important to note or not, but I have autism and ADHD and am a high masking female. I didn’t know this at the time I was friends with this girl. Anyways, it’s always been really hard for me to make friends, so I considered Carol my best friend.
She was always kind of cold and distant, didn’t really discuss any of her feelings/personal life. It was mainly up to me to make conversation. We would have weekly hangouts where we would go to a restraint and get drinks. I felt like she only liked me when I got buzzed and started being a little crazy and funny. She would also hardly ever respond to any of my texts I sent, even ones where I was asking a question. She had read receipts on, so I could tell she saw my text but would just ignore it.
She was also not very giving. Like, for Christmas or birthdays she didn’t want to get me any gifts “because she was trying to save money”. I would still do gifts, crocheted her blankets, etc, but she would never reciprocate.
After a year or two of our friendship, I told her something that was very personal and that I had wanted to tell her for a long time. I wanted to be a mom.
It’s important to note in this part of the story, that I’m asexual and aromantic, so I’d never had a relationship before. I had no desire whatsoever to be with someone. Since college, I’d had this dream of getting a sperm donor and being a single mom by choice.
I told Carol over drinks, and it didn’t go well. She laughed in my face, told me I was too immature and that I hadn’t even had sex, like no way should I have a kid. I felt deeply hurt by this. I tried to bring it up again in conversation, keeping her updated to how the process was going (because I did still intent to go through with my plan, even without her approval). She would always cut me off and really put me down about it.
She ended up getting engaged around the same time I brought this up to her. She asked me to be a bridesmaid, but then said, “I don’t know though if you’d make a good bridesmaid” or something to that extent. To be honest, I hadn’t really been like an actual bridesmaid before. I was one at two of my sister’s weddings, but that felt different.
At this point, I was already kind of pulling myself away from the relationship. It felt very one sided. I was so depressed over the whole relationship. She got very distant (more than usual) and after almost every hangout I would go home and just cry.
Well, fast forward to wedding day. At this point, I was pretty much emotionally checked out and was going to do this wedding and then be done. I met her other bridesmaids for the first time. They all seemed not to care for Carol at all. Like Carol was basically just on her own the whole morning and the other girls were just in groups, chit chatting. None of them seemed very close at all to Carol, even the girl Carol said was her best friend (who lived a couple hours away).
I helped do all the bridesmaids hair and other things. Wedding happened, nothing eventful happened. At the reception, I felt so uncomfortable. It’s hard for me to be in large crowds and I didn’t know anyone else at the wedding except for a mutual friend and his girlfriend, who we both worked with previously. I was so glad this friend was there. I was invited to sit at their table with them and it made everything so much better. They ended up leaving after a hour at the reception.
At this point, I felt so overwhelmed and overstimulated, and was in so much emotional distress I just grabbed my keys and walked out and left too. Didn’t say anything to Carol or anyone, just walked out. When I got home, Carol texted and said “did you just leave? Without saying goodbye or anything?” I said something about how I had to get home and had something to do the next morning and said congratulations on her marriage. She didn’t text back and that was the end of the relationship.
It’s been about 5 years since this happened. I became pregnant shortly after this happened, and now have a beautiful son I adore. I just couldn’t get over her being so cold and uninvolved and not supporting my desire to be a mom.
So, AMITA?
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NTA, and Carol was a shit friend.
Honey, the tendency to fixate on your past mistakes also fits with ADHD and Autism. Please think about trying to mask less. Your former best friend was either also autistic and masking and using your mistakes and vulnerability to make herself feel normal, or she is just mean. There is no reason you wouldn’t be an awesome mom.
It sounded like she was a bad friend and I see no reason for you to open that door again.
I’m actually only sorry that you bothered to go through with being a bridesmaid. You deserved better from the beginning.
Congrats on your beautiful son. Enjoy motherhood.
No, but Carol sure is.
[deleted]
Yes, of course YTA.
NTA. Carol seems to want people to be here friend, but not give anything in return. She seems very narcissistic.
You’re definitely not the asshole. From everything you wrote, it sounds like your friend Carol wasn’t being a good friend for a long time.
The way she approached you, it didn’t even sound like she wanted to check if you were okay. It felt more like she was just waiting for a reason to blame you and walk away.
I think deep down, you already know she wasn’t truly there for you. I’m sorry you went through this, but please know you’re not wrong here.
NTA but mildly rude. As a bridesmaid you should have informed someone you were leaving — perhaps the wedding coordinator — in case anyone were to go looking for you for pictures, etc.
As a friend, you should have said some goodbyes, but the bridal couple can be busy enough at a reception that leaving early doesn’t always afford the chance to say goodbye. In that situation it’s fine to text, email etc. with graceful apologies.
But ending the friendship seems like a good idea. Congrats on being a mom.
Carol wasn’t actually a friend….