Hi, I have been in a relationship for around 2 and a half years now with my bf. I am 19 and he is 20.
Anyway, I’m someone who has an incredibly high libido, which I don’t expect him to catch up to, but there’s small things that make me feel like the attraction to me physically is nonexistent.
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In the entire two years that we have been together, he has never asked for intimacy on his own. I have always been the one having to pursue it or to ask for it, which made me feel like he was doing it just to do it. I remember there was a time I didn’t pursue or ask for anything for around a month and not once did he try anything. I tried to talk to him about this but he says he doesn’t want to “disrespect” me by asking, even though he’s disrespected me in other ways without hesitation.
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I don’t mean this with any ill intent, but he takes forever to finish. Blowjobs last up to 10 minutes and I don’t even want to say how long the other stuff lasts. I know it’s not supposed to end after a few seconds, but I feel like if he was truly attracted to me, he’d be finishing quicker.
I also asked him about this and he said that’s just how he is. I don’t believe that. -
He gets distracted during intimacy. I’ll be there trying my best and he’s literally watching TV ,not even looking at me.
I thought young men were supposed to be at peak when it comes to intimacy, and maybe he is and it’s just me??? I honestly don’t know anymore, but it’s really hurts me that I’m always the one pursuing. Any advice? Is it him? Is it me? Do I just break this off? I love him but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life having to be the only one that begs for intimacy.
Comments
This isn’t a relationship it’s emotional starvation with a side of silent rejection. You deserve a partner who wants you not one who treats intimacy like a chore and leaves you begging for scraps of affection.
Have you talked to him about it?
Not all relationships are meant to have an open ended ending. Sometimes they run their course. We just aren’t good at ending them – particularly when we get comfortable.
You shouldn’t have to work this hard, intimacy should not feel like a chore or that one-sided. Watching TV while being intimate is unacceptable unless it’s porn that you’re both into. Disrespectful.
Anything else he puts zero effort into?
10m where do I sign up???? Nah, dude just doesn’t have the balls to admit the lack of intimacy. Watching tv, omfg this guy. No, there’s nothing to question. There’s a definite lack and that will kill a relationship. If you communicate these concerns and he’s not interested in addressing them as a couple then move on. You do have to be willing to explore ways in which each of you may not be meeting each other’s needs, and whether or not you’re each willing to put the work in to change that. Communication is the start.
It’s not you.
A blow jobs lasting 10 minutes or more aren’t unusual. Not to my mind anyway. Part of the fun of giving head is the experience and the teasing that go with it. My ex husband never came from me giving him oral and I’m glad he didn’t because I honestly wouldn’t have wanted him to cum in my mouth. But that was just how I was with him, specifically.
Have you told him how you feel? How you are tired of initiating? How you need him to initiate and how you wouldn’t find it disrespectful of him to ask, you would find it exciting and thrilling?
Does he seem to enjoy sex when you do have it? Does he masturbate separately? How often does he feel horny? When was the last time he had bloodwork to check hormone levels? Is he asexual? Is he on the spectrum? Is he depressed? Is he on mental health medications? All of these things can influence how horny one is and how much they enjoy sex.
It’s not that he’s not attracted to you. He’s addicted to porn. 20 years old never wants to have sex, isn’t interested when you do and has delayed ejaculation that young….unless he has hormone problems he’s a porn addict. You’re 19 just break up atp
I always had the problem with 2., that became a mental focus thing to last longer for my partner though. Basically trained myself to hold out or “dead puppies”, “hear mom in a moomoo” type mentalizations (sadly) but it worked. 1 could be due to the fact you want it so much and him never having to ask he may seem like he’d get attacked for asking since he’s getting it so much. The going so long without asking him for it could also be taken as a sign that YOU need a break. As a man we stay in our heads when it comes to women because you beautiful creatures are confusing af and sometimes know but don’t know what you want at the same time. 3 though, that’s just down right embarrassing on his end….if you can focus on the tv when laying pipe then obviously the pipe game is trash, not where the pipe is fitting. Time to move on and be appreciated in all ways because there are guys out here starving for sex in their relationships.
How do you have time for all this? Don’t you have college to worry about? Sorry just a millennial here but I was too caught up with education at your age to worry about men – they are dime a dozen, get an education and find someone who matches your wavelength.
Few things to consider:
1: Has his libido been this way since the beginning of the relationship?
2: Have YOU changed? Mentally and/or physically?
3: What does his health look like? Physically active… sedentary…. Mixture of the 2?
4: Do you live together?
Please leave him. Find someone who’s really into you. He might just be asexual.
I honestly don’t feel he’s attracted to you. By staying with him you will destroy your confidence and get hurt. Best to move on and find your self confidence back 🙏. Nobody will ever attract everyone it’s not possible. So even if to him you’re not to someone else you could be the girl of their dreams.
Porn addiction. He needs help.
This the opposite of judgement, it’s experience as the guy.
It can manifest in a ton of ways. But young healthy male, if you are his only sexual outlet then gaurenteed he would be exploring you and not the hub.
Either leave or if you’re staying; tell him you will help him overcome this. If you have a high libido that’s great but make sure above all else (once you have address the porn problem) let him know that you will be patient in bed, and there is no rush, and ED might be normal for a bit ect ect..
Good luck
Number three is the biggest red flag of all. The other two, while not great, do have potential alternative explanations. Not paying attention to you during intimacy does not have any other explanation.
Okay I want to give a perspective . The whole “how he makes you feel” is a whole conversation entirely. Hear me out. I consider myself someone with experience, with this experience I can definitely say I’ve had moments where I’ve had a way higher drive, or when I was getting laid everyday I’ve genuinely said no like I didn’t want to do that. When 17 year old me would jump at the opportunity to get some. He may have gotten comfortable. Without conversation saying “I want you to start it off sometimes” it’s hard to expect him to do that . Some people are different . After this conversation if it were to stay the same that could be a genuine doubt but at the moment I don’t think you’ve given him the chance / word that it isn’t disrespectful to you and your body is something you’d like to share.
As for reason number two, I don’t want to be to TMI or TOS, but what I will say is . With my girlfriend with intercourse if I’m like a dog I can finish in 5 minutes. But sometimes I finish in 30 minutes , it has to do with a lot of the dudes sensitivity is what I would say. Which leads me to your BJ concern. Hun as a 24 year old who’s gotten BJS from foreign hotties and girls growing up, I still have not finished from head. I’ve had a girlfriend do it for a hour have me shaking etc, just something about it that won’t let me. After telling my current gf she understands and now doesn’t think she “doesn’t give good head”. If he USED to finish then damn u might be right but if he’s never ? Kinda harsh to judge him, it’s almost as if your trying to decide for him when he can and can’t finish. If he were to finish in 10 seconds from a BJ you wouldn’t be concerned if he liked you, it would then become a “ my boyfriend can’t last” post . All in all for long term 1-2 years + you’ll come to find out over time the sex gets less attention . You start to value characteristics values etc, especially if your building he could be distracted .
If sex is something that’s the end all be all and the way he treats you doesn’t suffice I’d say the relationship is over. If you guys have been in the building path I don’t think you should step away I think you should tell
Him what u want what u like etc and he tell u the same thing. No excuses . If nothing changes then you know your answer but to complain and not try to figure this out being that it seems pretty important isn’t really optimal
Boyfriend is a shit lover. I know a lot of folks say, “dump them!” on Reddit but seriously dump this guy. At your age he should be all over you.
what if hes gay