I don’t know how to fix this.

I don’t have friends. I don’t really leave the house much either. I kinda of feel like if I were to disappear today it would be much impact. Not in a suicidal type way but more like “who was she?” I’m currently sitting in my room with all my bags packed and wonder if I’m crazy or if my family really just sucks. I don’t know. It’s a type of pain I don’t feel often. Heartache I guess. Like my chest is achy. I truly believe if someone asked me if I was okay I would just start crying. Though, my family doesn’t ask that anymore. Not when I come out of my room in tears or show any kind of emotion. I feel like a kid that was abandoned. My family just doesn’t understand and isn’t ready to change their ways. I’m often called some type of name or lecture on how I could have done things differently. I feel very disconnected from them. I’ve lived with them my whole life but feel no love from them. Just empty laughs and “advice” that seems more like another lecture. I can’t get myself to set boundaries or say stop or anything to them without crying. I want to leave so bad but I don’t have anywhere to go. It’s not only the world I want to see. I just want to feel the love of a family. Sounds childish I know and perhaps my idea of family is twisted but I can’t accurately describe it. I’ve daydreamed about it since I was 13 but can’t find a single way that would ever be possible unless I was magically reborn. I’ll be okay.