I feel incredibly selfish for making something that’s affecting her about me. I’m 23F, my mom is 51F and before January of this year she was very, very healthy. Health conscious, tracking what she ate, one cheat meal a week, working out every day, seeing a trainer, etc. Her father passed away last year due to bone cancer and a few other complications, but it was like a sudden rapid decline before he passed.
Now she’s sick, we don’t know what it is yet, and I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to be supportive and optimistic without suffocating her, but also without seeming like I’m not worried or like I don’t care. Currently, she has an appointment with a hematology oncology specialist because she recently got concerning blood work results back.
I don’t want to watch my mom go through anything even close to similar to what my grandfather went through. When she called me and told me the news, the phone call was still positive and she’s optimistic that it’s nothing major or nothing that some treatment can’t fix/help. Even though she has an appointment with that kind of doctor, has concerning test results, she feels like crap, she can’t go back to work, etc. She was still trying to be optimistic that it’ll all be fine. The news wasn’t great, and all I could think of to make me feel better was to drink and I know that’s not a healthy way to cope with this.
I don’t know how she’s handling the anxiety of waiting for her appointment or waiting for results from tests. I’ve never had a sick parent like this before. Like, when her dad was in the hospital getting worse and worse, she kept telling me, “This doesn’t feel real. It feels like a bad dream.” And that’s exactly how this feels. I can’t even admit that I just have the awful, awful pit in my stomach that’s telling me it’s going to be something really bad. I’m scared if I say it out loud, it’ll happen. How do people handle stuff like this without falling apart?
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She’s being overly optimistic with you, because you probably wouldn’t handle it well otherwise.or, she’s optimistic because her doctor is optimistic. She’s trying to give you less to worry about.
The other thing is, you try not to worry about things that haven’t happened yet. There’s no sense exhausting yourself with a million imaginary scenarios. If you do, you’re not going to have the energy to deal with the real scenario when it comes. I say WHEN, because she doesn’t have the information she needs to make those medical decisions yet.
Your mom doesn’t have a reason to be pessimistic just yet. And I think it’s smart not to get overly doom and gloom until she gets the results back.
Your grandfather’s outcome doesn’t have to be your mother’s outcome.
A lot of people (myself included) will fall apart in private so that we can put on a brave face when we’re with the person we love.
Of course we don’t want to watch our loved ones be sick or hurt, because it always hurts us a little too.
I would suggest you consider what ways you can be supportive of your mom. Talk with her about what she might want you to do to help her. If you live close enough, maybe you go over sometimes to cook a meal or do some laundry or clean the house a bit. If you don’t live close enough for that, maybe you can pay for a service to handle some of that stuff.
And if you have any friends who also know your mom, consider confiding in them so that they can help support you while you support your mom.
Best of luck to you both!!
All of this is very scary. But it is the 21st century and we have really good medicine. Your mom is only 51. Your grandpa was much older. She’s seeing doctors and they are figuring out what this is. It will be rough a bit but there is no reason to catastrophize now.
If you can see a therapist to help through these feelings, I highly recommend
Oh my dear heart. This is so hard.
Your mom is starting from a place of health. While that doesn’t prevent anything bad or scary, it does mean she will be able to better weather the bad and scary stuff.
Read up on The Ring Theory of Support. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/promoting-hope-preventing-suicide/201705/ring-theory-helps-us-bring-comfort-in
It’s not selfish to need comfort or ‘make things about you’. You are going to need support too. And you’re allowed to feel lost or scared.
Don’t hesitate to ask your mom “What can I do right now to support you? Do you need optimism or a shoulder to cry on or for me to give you some space for a bit?” That will let her set the pace for what she needs and you can be attentive without being smothering
One additional thing that might help you. You mentioned that your mother has an appointment with “that kind of doctor” but she has to wait for her appointment. This usually means they found something that needs to be checked, but it doesn’t appear advanced enough to require an immediate appointment.
Got to grow up sometime. I know you’re scared but for fucks sake stop making your anxiety the center of your relationship w your mom. Time to serve your mom in the ways you can. Time to learn to manage your anxiety internally without needing things on the outside to change. I have cancer now. And my 25 year old son is worried. But he does what he can by visiting me (he’s out of state) checking in with me in text and phone. And sending me little stories about how well he’s doing and how happy he is. It’s a gigantic comfort to me.
Your feelings are valid. It’s a scary time for your mom, and you.
Tell her you love her. Tell her you are scared and concerned but you love her. Hang on to each other.
You’re actually not being incredibly selfish, you are scared & concerned for your Mom, all very natural. I’m sure your Mom is hoping for the best but probably not sleeping well with this dark cloud hanging over her. A big Internet hug to you both. 🫂
Some blood cancers have very good prognoses. Just tell her you love her, support her, and wait for facts then deal with the facts.
Cancer treatment has changed so much for the better even during the last few years! It isn’t what it was during the late 1990s/early 2000s at all. If it is cancer (and there’s a good shot it isn’t) that is not an automatic death sentence today.
Let her know that if she wants to talk to you, she can do that. Otherwise, hang on until the results come back.
You’re full of questions, as I was. Write them down, and ask them at the next doctor’s appointment. And be sure you are on the list of people they can talk to about her case. She must specify that. If you’re on the list, you can ask questions freely.
Chin up in the meantime.
There’s probably some falling apart, I know when my liver specialist told me I possibly had cirrhosis I broke. He let me cry, and then we talked. He said that with care and keeping my liver happy it can be reversed.
So while things may look dark for your mom, there can always be hope. And trust me, good specialists know how to point out that hope.