(TW suicide)
This has been an issue I’ve struggled with during my adult life. My life has been a constant cycle of finding people I love and them ending up abandoning me. Especially in 2020, I left a cult. As a result, EVERYONE left me, my family, friends, wife. I found who I felt was the love of my life, but I came home one day a year and a half ago dead from suicide. I used to have hopes and ambitions but they’re gone now. And looking back, I feel like I did everything to “have stories,” show that I’ve had an exciting life. It felt like the only way I could keep people around, being this wild card full of experiences. I feel I was living to die young but now I’m coming up on 30 and am suddenly stuck picking up the pieces. I know I’m in a depression rut, I don’t enjoy things really anymore. I’m a performer for instance, a musician and a fire spinner, these were things that used to make me myself feel alive but now I only feel I crave it because I want to feel validated. And I think that’s all it ever was, I craved the validation I never had growing up, my mom and dad never were really around, then pitched me to the real world at 16 being homeless. I don’t know how to change this, I don’t want to feel so numb every day, so drained of energy that I can’t do anything, especially not for myself. I’m not trying to die anymore but it feels like I’m already dead and I don’t know what to do, how to be better
Comments
Sorry to hear you are in this low patch. It is hard to push to the accomplishments or activities that can give you satisfaction if you are depressed. Is there some small things you can shoot for? Lose ten pounds? Read 5 books? If you pick a goal with zero outside dependencies you can own them and build some momentum. I personally need some SSRI drugs to get some positive feedback from my drain. Still working on the small goals myself. I am single and have late stage cancer. All you can do is make the most of everyday and be kind to yourself and others.
Don’t give up! You are worth living for. I recommend lifting weights or cardio every day. I’ve struggled with depression since childhood. Find a gym and remember that you aren’t alone.
Yo, I hear you. Sadly I understand to. Maybe this will make sense. If it’s possible get a pet and stay single for a while. Cool stories are just that. Memories. So make better Memories. Chase a different rush.
A pet will love YOU UNCONDITIONALLY, and thats what you need. With that need being met you can focus on who you want to be now. Who’s says you can’t 180°, become a total nerd and LARP? He’ll I’d rather do that myself than chase cool stories and shit relationships. I’m so glad those days are gone.
And no matter how depr3ssed you get remind yourself, tomorrow will be a new chance. Hang in there. Your at the bottom, so build yourself into what you always wanted to be in your heart. Just look deep in there and grab it. Good luck and from experience, sometimes starting and the bottom and grinding up is a blessing in disguise. Hang in there, it WILL get better.
Same