My bf sees his mom about 5 days a week. It’s so frustrating! He works 3 days a week and so do I. Our schedules don’t line up. So sometimes we have 2-3 days together and we have to go see his mother at a restaurant for trivia. I absolutely hate it. All I do is sit around and eat for 5-6 hours.
He goes 3days/wk for this triva thing. And then works 3 days when he’s not there. Then sees her on weekends. I try to sleep in to not go. I try to work on the days he works or go the days the days he goes to trivia. I want to see him more on days I go before work even if it’s for 2-3 hours and then he can go to trivia since I work from 7p-7a. Trivia doesn’t start till 6:00-6:30p. But he wants to be there at 4p. I just want to take a little nap before work to feel a connection or affection. I feel a disconnection since I barely seem to see him. I just want to spend more time with him.
We had a vacation planned later on this year for 2 weeks. His mom decided for him to spend one week with me and one week with her. What the actual heck! I don’t know how to communicate my feelings without sounding rude.
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They’re enmeshed. This will not change unless you have a frank conversation now.
Just not the right bf for you at this point in your life OP. You could tell him that you don’t want him to see her so often but I don’t think he’d take it well. It clearly hasn’t changed since your last post about feeling like a third wheel and at this point it probably won’t.
You must do what is best for you, he will always do what’s best for her.
Plus, honestly, a 40yo guy has no business being with a 23yo, not bashing all age-difference relationships but the way he is treating you is just vile. My guess is that no woman of his age would put up with the shit from him and his mother. Please don’t waste your twenties trying to get this guy to love you the way you deserve, he’s a child who is still bound to his mother and without consistant sustained work and therapy that’s never going to change.
Ok so you have some unmet needs here. You have said you need connection, affection and time spent together.
You need to tell your partner that you need these things. See what he says. A mature partner would hear you out and try to meet your needs.
Although his connection with his mother is likely weird, too much and enmeshed, I advise against criticising this in the first instance. He will just take offense.
State what you need from him. His reaction to you, and his response in prioritising you, will tell you everything you need to know.
I suggest you reframe this away from “I don’t want you to spend so much time with MiL” to “We are not spending enough quality time together to meet my needs”. I also suggest you stop going to these trivia things, they sound like a crappy way to spend your time and it definitely does not qualify as Quality Time with your SO.
If he is more interested in spending unreasonable time with his mother rather than you, you need to respect his choice and reconsider your relationship. Trying to dictate a minimum amount of time you’re comfortable with seeing his mother is a path that will just lead to pain. He either prioritizes you because that’s what HE wants or you move on. Playing tug of war is a fool’s errand.
I read your other post. Run. Quickly. I don’t say that lightly and hopefully the mods don’t x out this comment.
You are 23. He’s in his 40’s. Seeing mom 5 days a week for 5-6 hrs at a time, and not using his days off to spend time with you. This is NOT OK.
It is time to look within yourself and decide what you are worth. I hope you see the amazing, intelligent, wonderful, fun, interesting person you are and make decisions accordingly.
Find a man, not a boy.