We have been married for almost 11 years, and it still hurts me knowing about his side. 3 months ago, his Bff/Bro M33 asked if I knew my Husbands past, which I responded with no and asked him questions about it. I later found out that night that the reason my Husband hasn’t cried for almost 16 years is because he already had been so much in pain that it almost feels like nothing to him.
He had witnessed his only 2 Childhood friends Commit Suicide in his teenage years (Y/n). since that day, he doesn’t really wear any outfit colors often other than dark colors like Black, Grey, Dark Red, and White.
He says he wears them to still respect the Dead and doesn’t want to show that much attention.
He had to flee from war, was basically starving to death, and homeless for a couple of years, and after being adopted, his stepfather abused him all his life long until he moved out with his crazy ex. His stepmother didn’t care and sided with the stepfather.
His so called old “love of his life” Abused him, Manipualted him and locked him up for a couple of years in a room, gave him shitty food and made him Obsessed with her. After a while, she left him, didn’t really care about him, and then he got his own house after working illegally, overworked, and underpaid for years.
Through that time of working, he was also a free Therapist without a License and saved some of his friend’s lives and others. Some of his friends told him to go to therapy himself, but he always responded with ” I can therapy myself and it mostly works,” but sometimes he really can’t help himself
With all that pain on his shoulders. I know I’m an overthinker and all, but he knows how to overexplain so much just for the simplest things ever. He always has such an open heart, he keeps giving people more chances, hoping they’ll change soon, which most of them never do.
Even tho he can read people, he always tries to hope for the best, even if he knows that it’ll hurt him. When I was his girlfriend for 3 months, he moved in with me.
We’ve been together in that time for 4 years, and he never argued with me, not even once. he always made me happy and always made me feel safe around him. Even in our Marriage, he has never argued and solved any situation before, 1 leads to arguing. Throughout the 16 years, he only cried once, and that was about a week ago when I allowed him to lie his head on my lap and told him it’s all gonna be all right soon. He cried that night for hours and even still cried while he was sleeping.
That made me cry too, and I wish he could let it all out and cry for weeks because I don’t understand how 1 man can handle all this Pain without letting it out once. Can anyone please tell me what to do now? I’ve talked with him multiple times about this, and he keeps declining my help, saying it’s okay, I don’t need to worry.
I’m sorry if I said anything wrong, I’m still trying hard to think this through.
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Hi OP
First, I want to acknowledge how deeply this post reflects your care, empathy, and love for your husband. You’re holding so much emotional weight right now both your own pain and the pain of witnessing his. That is a heavy place to be, and I’m really glad you’re reaching out. You’re not alone in this.
What your husband has experienced is profound trauma. Childhood neglect, war, abuse, starvation, emotional imprisonment, and cumulative grief like the loss of his best friends this is complex trauma, and it shapes every part of a person’s nervous system, relationships, and self-concept. His tendency to downplay his pain, over-explain small things, and give endless chances to people are all survival patterns. They’re not signs of weakness they are adaptations he learned to avoid further harm and disappointment.
When someone survives long-term trauma like this, they often compartmentalize. They push their emotions so deep that crying or breaking down feels like a threat to their very survival. His statement that he “can therapy himself” reflects not arrogance, but self-reliance built out of necessity. If you’ve spent your life unable to rely on anyone, trusting even a therapist can feel unsafe.
It’s also clear how much he trusts you. That one moment resting his head in your lap and letting himself cry was not just a release, it was a breakthrough. It tells me that part of him wants to heal, but he needs to do it on his own terms, and likely with immense patience and consistency from people he feels truly safe with. That moment may have taken him years to build toward.
I want to gently validate something you’re feeling too: the helplessness. It can be incredibly painful to love someone who carries such deep wounds, especially when they don’t accept your help or seem to minimize their needs. But please know your role is not to fix him. Your role is to be a stable, loving presence and to set your own emotional boundaries as well. Compassion doesn’t mean carrying his entire story on your shoulders.
Here are a few things I’d gently suggest:
Please don’t underestimate the strength it takes to love someone who has been through this much, and to hold compassion without judgment. But also remember that your pain matters too. Being a safe person for someone does not mean sacrificing your own emotional well-being.
You are doing more than enough by simply being there. And I hope you both find continued healing together and individually in the days ahead.