I grew up in a house where I always had to be on the look out trying to avoid conflict. My parents would get mad and threaten/hit me. My mom was particularly cruel. Bruises, swelling, even an ER visit. I moved out 2 years go to go to university but I still watch for changes in tone in my friends/roommates because I’m so afraid of people. My friends and I were playing uno last night and I made a move that one friend said wasn’t allowed and the other said it should be allowed because it doesn’t really matter. There was some conflict so I left and starting sobbing and hyperventilating, eventually turning into a panic attack
How am I ever supposed to be normal? I need to be able to handle conflict in order to have any lasting relationships but I break down. It still feels like I’m a child in my old house. I can’t grow up.
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It may be nearly impossible on your own, but thankfully generations of study have gone into preparing professionals to help folks like you learn different mental and emotional patterns. You need to hook up with professionals who can walk with you, teach, coach, encourage, cajole, and correct you as you learn. Starting now. And it won’t be a quick or easy process, but I’m so glad that it’s not a can’t, the word you used. You can.
You are away at school? Great time to start! Get in touch with Campus Health, Student Life or whoever else supports students at your uni. Ask to be connected with a good psychiatrist AND a good counselor. Both. They do different things. The psychiatrist may evaluate you and decide you just need the counseling/therapy side and hand you off, or may decide to work in concert with the therapist.
I grew up in a similar situation to yours, and was a dysfunctional adult for a long time. I am so glad to hear you are in therapy. First of all, you have a whole host of survival strategies that totally served you and kept you safe. You survived!! But now you don’t need the same maladaptive coping strategies. You don’t need to be hyper vigilant about everyone’s moods. You don’t need to take the temperature of every room you walk into, trying to predict the unpredictable rage of your parents. You don’t need that any more. But it’s hard to figure out how to get rid of the strategies you developed to keep yourself safe. It takes time. You have some very deeply carved neural pathways. One of the most powerful tools I found for rewriting neural pathways was meditation and affirmation. By this I mean, telling yourself over and over a new idea to take the place of an old idea. I found a great deal of growth happened after reparenting myself with the kindness and compassion that was not shown me by my own parents. Please try to be patient with yourself.
First, accept there is no normal….but there is healthy.
You need a really good counselor. And maybe even more than one as you go and outgrow them. This will be a process as you learn to process what happened and learn new (and uncomfortable, in the beginning) ways to act and make choices.
It will not feel natural because your natural was formed in an unhealthy environment. So get comfortable with a bit of discomfort, be aware that changes you are asked to make won’t feel “right” in the beginning and be gentle with yourself.
While there is life, there is hope
Gentle movement like tai chi, yoga, dance, even just swaying your body, shaking, stroking your body gently, hugging yourself, can help you on your journey xx it will be a long one but definitely worth it. I recommend looking up gentle somatic movement exercises on youtube. Trauma makes us feel unsafe in our bodies over time. You can help your body to feel safe again
You’re having very normal responses to childhood trauma. I also experienced a lot of childhood trauma and have GAD and OCD. I’m in my thirties now, and while I still struggle, with continual work and medication, I’ve been able to build a life I’m very happy with.
You are doing a great job by going to therapy and taking meds as you mentioned in a comment, but be kind to yourself. Those things take time, and I know from experience how frustrating that can be. You’re going to hit a point where you notice things are a lot better, and while you will still have highs and lows, you CAN become a functioning adult who experiences joy.
It’s not fair that you have these struggles or that you will have to continually engage with treatment. It’s ok to be upset that it’s unfair, because your parents caused this. But I believe in you! You can do this.
A lot of universities have counseling services through the health center.
But therapy can help you with coping skills
Therapy isn’t an instant fix. And depending on how ingrained your trauma is, it can take longer than for others. Definitely do not compare your progress with anyone else. Everyone responds differently. I know it feels like you’re not progressing fast enough. And, yes, there may be occasions where you feel like you’re slipping backwards, but keep going. A good therapist and psychiatrist will be the first to tell you this. If either of yours are telling you that you should already be at point B in your plan while you’re still working on mastering point A, they may not be the fit for you. If it’s just you feeling like you’re not “making the grade” while they’re telling you that THEY can see changes in you that you’re not seeing, trust in them. As a baby, you had to learn to crawl before you could walk. Therapy is like that. Crawling to point A, standing up & taking tiny wobbly steps to point B, increasing your stride as you progress and recognize the fact.
And it’s ok that you’re still at a point where you’re not sure that you’ll ever feel like a functional adult. The fact that you’re actively working on yourself shows that you are working your way towards that goal. Heck, there are plenty of adults out there who were lucky enough to not go through the trauma you went through that don’t feel like they’re a truly functional adult and are just going through the motions. That can sometimes define what a functioning adult is.
Keep it up. I hope you’ve been addressing your concerns about your progress with your therapist as well as strangers here on Reddit. They will have a better grasp on your progress than any of us can tell you.
You will be but it will take time and a lot of therapy. I grew up in an abusive household and didn’t get out until my early 20s, it took a lot of work to not react so strongly to conflict or feel like I wasn’t right back in that situation again but I got there over time and so will you.
Trauma doesn’t go away overnight, sometimes trauma stays with you for life but over time and with help you learn how cope and manage it. I’m 34 now and I’ve been out of my situation for about 13 years, I still have moments where I struggle and sometimes have panic attacks although it’s rare for me now and they aren’t as bad as they used to be.
I actually work in a job caring for mentally ill individuals where I have to handle conflict on a daily basis, it’s hard but I can handle it and I can do my job supporting the people I look after. 10 years ago I wouldn’t have lasted 5 minutes in the job I do now, but now I can keep myself calm and grounded in those moments.
You have been through a lot and it takes time for your mind and body to realise that not all conflict is going to end up with you getting physically hurt and that you’re safe now.
Be kind to yourself, take it one day at a time and keep living.
I used to be like you. It takes time to heal, but you are on the way. Therapy could help, but if you’re not comfortable or ready for that try watching YouTube videos on therapy topics for adults overcoming childhood abuse and read books and articles too. Journaling can be helpful too.