We’ve been together for almost 6 years. I proposed last year and at the time I was so happy to have her as my fiancé. We were in that sweet spot stable, happy enough, no big issues and life seemed on track.
But lately, I’ve been having doubts I can’t ignore. Not because of anything she’s done she’s kind, reliable, and I have no doubt she genuinely loves me. The conflict is, I don’t know if I feel the same anymore. Not the way I should.
Sometimes I zone out when she talks about our future. Kids, moving, retirement plans. I want that just not with her anymore. I used to feel lucky to have someone like her and now I feel trapped and uncomfortable.
I even started texting this girl from work. Nothing physical has happened. Not even flirty texts. But I looked forward to her messages and that makes me feel so guilty.
The worst thing is that Our wedding is in 4 months. Venue is booked, deposits are paid, our families are excited. I know cold feet is normal, but this feels deeper than that.
I wish I could just hit pause on everything. I don’t know if I’m staying because I’m scared to start over, or because it’s easier to keep going than to blow up everyone’s expectations.
I haven’t told anyone aside from my best of friends, and Im scared of the future right now. I’m stuck right now, I don’t want to do this but everything is already in motion. It’s a difficult situation for me.
Comments
This happened to me 20 years ago. It was three days before the wedding, meaning every dime was already paid and it was more than $30k at the time. Half my guests had arrived at the destination for the wedding.
I found out a major lie he’d been telling me and he never intended to tell me. I found out on my own. We had already bought a home, too. We had a child together 2 years after the wedding. I made a decision that the humiliation of a cancelled wedding was too much for me.
I chose wrong. The marriage lasted a year after our child was born. He never stopped lying directly or by omission. I now have a nearly 18 year old child who is devastated by her father’s absence in her life. His lies consumed him and proceeded to ruin his second marriage, too.
Your gut is telling you not to do this, and your gut isn’t going to lead you astray. Divorcing is WAY more painful and traumatic than a cancelled wedding. I really wish there wasn’t such a stigma on cancelled wedding plans- it is only one day in your life. A divorce is typically far more expensive and painful, you will always wish you’d just trusted yourself in the place you currently are.
Hugs.
I say you have to tell her how you feel and stop texting your workmate until everything with your fiancee is settled. Have a deep conversation with her abt all that you’re feeling and where you see yourself in the relationship. It’s better to cut your losses now than go through with the wedding with doubts then have kids down the line, which would be worse for everyone involved.
I feel you might just be having cold feet, from your explanation she seems like a nice person, all you really need in a woman is a woman who’ll love and respect you.
I want you to think deep about your true reason for feeling this way.
Why do you feel trapped?
Why do you feel uncomfortable?
What changed?
Honestly, you need to just sit her down and be real with her. yea it’s gonna hurt and it might mess her up emotionally, but it’s better than lying and wasting her time.
go see a therapist (easier said than done)
imagine you suddenly got diagnosed with something and have about one year to live. How would this year go with her, and without her?
imagine your life in a year, in 3 years, in 5, in 10, .. when you are 70 and don’t have much left. Imagine it with her, alone, with someone else.. What future is the most appealing?
take a solo vacation somewhere for two weeks. (Variations: Ask your job to send you on a business trip or something. Go see your relatives who live far away. Go to some silent retreat. Let’s say they live in the middle of nowhere, with no Internet connection.) Notice how feel. Lighter? Happier? Do you miss her?
tell her about your cold feet and go to couples counseling. She deserves to know. You both need help to either work through it, or break up as peacefully as possible.
Oh man. This happened to a female family member of mine back in the 90s! They’d been together for almost 10 years…finally got engaged…a year of planning the wedding…wedding was 4 months away. She’d had a beautiful wedding shower. Guests from Europe had their plane tickets booked. And then BAM…her fiancée had to break it to her that he just couldn’t go through with it…that he was just having too many doubts about it, and he was feeling more friendship vibes towards her than romantic. He also confessed to having some feelings for a work colleague. The aftermath was just horrible…completely destroyed her for YEARS afterwards, and honestly she’s never really been the same. Good news is she did eventually get married etc, but MAN that was a tough thing for her to go through