So me (m16) and my girlfriend (f15) have been dating for 3 months now. Long story short the other day I had ended up crossing a boundary and I stupidly missed all the cues that she was uncomfortable. She isn’t the best at communicating but the cues she were giving off were all very obvious. After what happened she very much kept her distance from me and when she had to leave no kiss goodbye and she very faintly said she loved me too. The entire time I was thinking about what happened and I was racked with guilt, I texted her about 15-20 minutes after she left apologizing, I was gentle and caring in the text, I said I would give her time and distance to think and that when she was ready if we could have a conversation about what happened. Of course she hadn’t responded or even read the texts all night which is totally reasonable. The entire night I was racked with guilt and worried, i wanted to have some magical fix I was researching what to do how to make it better, I was even using ChatGPT to vent to and get advice. I must have exhausted myself from all the crying because at some point I had woken up in the morning.
Anyways I was sitting down this morning just waiting for any kind of response, and eventually I got one, but it wasn’t what I wanted to hear at all. She sent a break up text and she blocked me on iMessage and Instagram which were our only ways of communicating. I ended up reaching out to her friend through instagram to express everything i was thinking and feeling, after receiving the break up text i had written a response and even till now it’s unread. I asked her friend to when she had time and my girlfriend had time to think and relax to tell her what i had texted her friend. I was expressing my utmost regret, my want to have a conversation and my willingness to give her time. I’m not gonna say everything I said word for word but I was very caring and patient in the texts and just wanting to have a conversation when she is ready. Now I’m not sure if her friend had relaid the messages, I had given one final message to her friend telling her that I would check in again in a few days and if my girlfriend ever wanted talk before or after that then I’m available and wanting to as well and that If she needs more time I would happily wait.
I really do hope we can have a conversation the only thing I’ve been thinking about is what happened. As I’ve already said she isn’t great at communicating so I can understand why in the moment with what happened she would block me and send a break up text, I just hope that either she reaches out on her own or when I check in she’ll be ready to talk to me. If we ever do get the chance to talk I feel like I might be able to redeem the relationship, I think for the health of the relationship we should for at least a short time keep it more online, especially with her constantly busy schedule. There just been so much on my mind that I want to express to her. On one end while I understand her suddenness for the breakup and blocking me I am also upset that she wasn’t willing to talk to me, but even for being upset I feel guilty, i am the one in the wrong but I don’t feel like our relationship should end because of a mistake, mistakes are a part of relationships and you work through them, even if you need to take steps back and breathe or reset, even change the dynamic of the relationship which I feel we should do. I don’t know what to do but I feel like I’ve done all that I can, I wish there was some magic button I could press and undo me everything I did or just fix everything but there isn’t, it seems like the only thing I can do is wait, be patient and check in when she’s sorted things out. If anyone could give me advice I’d gladly take it but for now the only thing I can do is wait, I still hope and believe there is a way for us to work through this, if anyone has any insight on how she could be feeling I’d also love to hear. Sorry for the yap
TL;DR;: I crossed boundaries she was ready for and the next morning she sent a break up text and blocked me on I message and instagram ( our only two ways of communicating). I reached out through her friend and am going to give her time to process stuff and check in in the next few days. I just want to have a conversation with her and if needed continue the relationship but with a shift in the dynamic. I want to express my regret and all these other feelings and such but I can’t until she unblocks me. I don’t know what to do but I feel like the only thing I can do is wait.
And for anyone that asks what did I do I misread a situation and crossed a boundary she wasn’t ready with yet, sometimes you don’t need to share every little detail of something because a boundary crossed is a boundary crossed. Yes I know this sounds defensive and that’s because it is, I’m not some monster and all I wanna do is have a conversation and I’m willing to give her space and time for when she’s willing to do so. Please if you don’t have actual advice or any way to help me please don’t leave negative comments bashing me
Also I understand to not be spamming her or her friend. I have reached out to her friend, expressed my feelings and said I will wait for if and when she’s ready to talk. I’m not pestering about it I’m being respectful and patient and if she doesn’t want to have a conversation even after however long it talks for her to process stuff then I can’t do anything about it.
Comments
The fact that you won’t say what you did is really telling… huge red flag; she did the right thing.
What did you do to her
you have to give her space. don’t try to contact her or her friends. this has nothing to do with her being good or bad at communicating – you have to respect her taking space and maybe never wanting to have a conversation about it. hopefully you learned something valuable about communication and consent and checking in with your partner!
also of course relationships can end because of mistakes. you crossed her boundaries and that is a very valid reason for her to end your relationship.
Leave her alone… Trust me reaching out to her friends when she has blocked you is not a good thing. What did you do to her?
It sounds like you SA’ed her. And the fact that you’re being so vague is very telling of that. I think you need to tell an adult tbh.
I get when you’re 16, your 1st serious significant other feels like your whole world.
But as you get older, you start to see relationships can come and go. And some relationships are just a learning experience.
Chances are, you’re not going to get her back. The good news is you made this mistake now and not later. You can take the life lesson from it and apply it later.
My marriage works, in part, because I learned from the mistakes I made dating in my teens and early 20s.
You crossed a boundary and if you continue to try to reach her you will be crossing another one. By blocking you she’s made it clear she wants no contact with you. It sucks and it hurts but you have to respect her. She doesn’t owe you another conversation, but you owe her basic respect of her boundaries
>but I don’t feel like our relationship should end because of a mistake, mistakes are a part of relationships and you work through them
Oh buddy, I don’t know who told you this, but it’s not true.
You can absolutely fuck up a relationship with a single mistake, if it’s big enough. Not everything gets or even deserves a do-over.
The lessons of Humpty Dumpty are real. Sometimes all the King’s horses and all the King’s men can’t do jack shit. We break things and they stay broken.
Also…
You say you respect her need for distance but then you went and did this:
>I ended up reaching out to her friend through instagram to express everything i was thinking and feeling,
And then you hoped the friend would relay all that shit to her. Soooo you didn’t really respect her need for space and tried to do an end run around her blocking of you with the friend as your trojan horse.
There’s a serious disconnect between what you’re saying you’re doing and what you’re actually doing. Everything you claim to be doing is coming in safe soft language of respect but the actions themselves are trying to undermine or get around the walls your ex has set up. Your ex knows you want to talk to her. She knows you want to make this work. If she’s receptive to that… she’d contact you. Continuing to harass her into giving you the (what you believe) is your right to fix the relationship is megafucked.
I know you’re hurting here but you need to take a minute here and realign some priorities.
I know this is not what you want to hear, but… You’re going to have to walk away. The more you hassle her friend (and I know you don’t mean to hassle her, but I guarantee that’s how they are receiving it), you continue to push across her boundaries. This only confirms to her that you’ll do it again. I believe you are remorseful, but as you mature you’re learning that sometimes being sorry isn’t enough. Sometimes you won’t get closure. She knows the door is open. She is choosing not to go through it.
Right now you’re operating from you’re own feelings. I say this gingerly, but you’re being selfish. YOU want to “fix” it. She does not. Please respect her feelings and learn from this experience.
You said you missed her very obvious cues that she was uncomfortable. What were these cues? Because you are being so vague about what happened it’s really hard to give advice. Like this could be just a small tiff and you accidentally offended her and she blocked you on everything but is just being overdramatic, which we could tell you not to worry and let her cool down, or it could be something you can’t come back from. We just don’t know without some idea of what happened.