I (27F) need advice for my relationship with (26M) finance.
My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years, coming up this October, and have been engaged for about a year. We planned to get married this year in October, but in August of last year, we found out we were expecting a little one in March. However, things during pregnancy, along with postpartum, are making me confused about our relationship. During my pregnancy, he rarely would touch my belly or bond with the baby by trying to talk to my stomach, nor help with the nursery. At 20 weeks pregnant, I did a majority of the work painting the walls, moving large furniture when I shouldn’t have been, and putting everything together. I brushed it off. When I was 9 months pregnant, about to pop, I found out he was talking to 2 girls behind my back. I confronted him, and he begged me to stay, and as a new mom, I was scared of doing it alone, so I did stay.
Fast forward to postpartum. The first couple of days we were home, everything went okay. In the days following, my fiancé grew less patient with our son and through the night constantly complained as I was doing the changing, feeding, and warming of the bottles that he never “shuts up” (our baby was colic). This went on for two weeks before I officially moved into the living room because I mentally couldn’t take him complaining. It made me feel as if I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I have now been there for the last two months. This led to me being the one that does everything while he sleeps in the bed (full 8 hours and uninterrupted). As our son is creeping up on two months, I am still on the couch and up with every feeding by myself. My mom comes over every night to let me get 4 hours of sleep, and he stays in the bedroom. When I go into the bedroom, he gets angry with me because he has to turn his show off. I don’t understand. I just need to get some sleep, and this is the majority of sleep I do get as he wakes up every 3 hours still. We have gotten into some serious fights about this just because I ask him to turn it off so I can sleep or connect his AirPods to the tv and listen to it.
He got 4 weeks off paid and is on an overnight shift. He is now back to work and has been for 3 weeks. During this time, he has not fed him or changed him in this time. When I ask for help or if I can take a shower, especially when he gets home, it’s met with an attitude or complaining that he’s tired. I’m tired too. I just want a moment to myself, and I feel as if it’s not heard or feel bad for even asking. The majority of the time, he comes home and goes straight to bed if we are still asleep because he knows I will ask him for help or just 5 minutes to myself.
Sometimes at night he cries and tells me he doesn’t feel like he does enough, but when I try to explain to him how to do things with our son, he thinks I am telling him he’s a bad dad. Or when he does let me show him, he acts like he has no interest in bonding with our baby or learning. The other night I was talking him through our bath time routine, and he was clipping his fingernails as I was trying to explain it to him. Then he got an attitude when I tried to make sure he was paying attention. It’s like a complete 360 from nighttime to when he’s crying about not being a good father, and during the day, he won’t stop to learn or have anything to do with him. I don’t know how to address anything as he takes it as an attack on him when I address something. I have suggested couples therapy, but he says that paying someone to listen to his problems is a waste of time.
I don’t want to give an ultimatum of therapy or leaving, but I don’t know what to do. I want to get therapy so we can communicate properly, especially going into parenthood. I don’t know if this post will make sense. I am terrible at writing information, but I know I am in need of some advice.
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Backup of the post’s body: I (27F) need advice for my relationship with (26M) finance.
My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years, coming up this October, and have been engaged for about a year. We planned to get married this year in October, but in August of last year, we found out we were expecting a little one in March. However, things during pregnancy, along with postpartum, are making me confused about our relationship. During my pregnancy, he rarely would touch my belly or bond with the baby by trying to talk to my stomach, nor help with the nursery. At 20 weeks pregnant, I did a majority of the work painting the walls, moving large furniture when I shouldn’t have been, and putting everything together. I brushed it off. When I was 9 months pregnant, about to pop, I found out he was talking to 2 girls behind my back. I confronted him, and he begged me to stay, and as a new mom, I was scared of doing it alone, so I did stay.
Fast forward to postpartum. The first couple of days we were home, everything went okay. In the days following, my fiancé grew less patient with our son and through the night constantly complained as I was doing the changing, feeding, and warming of the bottles that he never “shuts up” (our baby was colic). This went on for two weeks before I officially moved into the living room because I mentally couldn’t take him complaining. It made me feel as if I wasn’t doing a good enough job. I have now been there for the last two months. This led to me being the one that does everything while he sleeps in the bed (full 8 hours and uninterrupted). As our son is creeping up on two months, I am still on the couch and up with every feeding by myself. My mom comes over every night to let me get 4 hours of sleep, and he stays in the bedroom. When I go into the bedroom, he gets angry with me because he has to turn his show off. I don’t understand. I just need to get some sleep, and this is the majority of sleep I do get as he wakes up every 3 hours still. We have gotten into some serious fights about this just because I ask him to turn it off so I can sleep or connect his AirPods to the tv and listen to it.
He got 4 weeks off paid and is on an overnight shift. He is now back to work and has been for 3 weeks. During this time, he has not fed him or changed him in this time. When I ask for help or if I can take a shower, especially when he gets home, it’s met with an attitude or complaining that he’s tired. I’m tired too. I just want a moment to myself, and I feel as if it’s not heard or feel bad for even asking. The majority of the time, he comes home and goes straight to bed if we are still asleep because he knows I will ask him for help or just 5 minutes to myself.
Sometimes at night he cries and tells me he doesn’t feel like he does enough, but when I try to explain to him how to do things with our son, he thinks I am telling him he’s a bad dad. Or when he does let me show him, he acts like he has no interest in bonding with our baby or learning. The other night I was talking him through our bath time routine, and he was clipping his fingernails as I was trying to explain it to him. Then he got an attitude when I tried to make sure he was paying attention. It’s like a complete 360 from nighttime to when he’s crying about not being a good father, and during the day, he won’t stop to learn or have anything to do with him. I don’t know how to address anything as he takes it as an attack on him when I address something. I have suggested couples therapy, but he says that paying someone to listen to his problems is a waste of time.
I don’t want to give an ultimatum of therapy or leaving, but I don’t know what to do. I want to get therapy so we can communicate properly, especially going into parenthood. I don’t know if this post will make sense. I am terrible at writing information, but I know I am in need of some advice.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
One question, why are you staying?
Sounds like he doesn’t nothing to help you, resents you and your son and your mother helps more than him. You are already a single parent, just leave. You and your son deserve better than that selfish human being.
You don’t need a second baby. And technically, he’s way too old (26) for that. So tell him to knock it off.
You are learning parenting as you go. As he should. But it’s not really parenting he needs to learn. It’s adulting. If he refuses counseling, it’s because he’s not interested.
Stop coddling him. If he refuses counseling, or co-parenting, it’s time to leave. One or the other, or both. But not a complete refusal.
As an aside, you never should have let him take the bed. I assume the couch was closer to the baby’s bedroom, but my ass would’ve been hauling his crib right in there. I’m sorry – but your husband is a jerk.
I am sorry you’re not getting the support you need from someone who should be an equal partner. I feel like you should cut your losses and move on/out. You said you don’t want to do it alone but you already are. Plus, you have the stress of his moods and attitude. I don’t want to be dramatic but if he’s annoyed/angry with a baby, don’t leave the baby with him. People with anger issues sometimes hurt babies out of rage/frustration. Maybe you can find other new moms and help each other. It sounds like your mom is a helpful resource too.
He is a bad dad.
Don’t ever leave him alone with tour baby. He may shake him to shut him up. Girl, get out of there.
Do NOT marry this guy. I know you don’t want to be a single mom but the reality is that you already are and have been since before the baby was born. You need to find another place to live ASAP. See if you can move in with your mom or have her come live with you for a while. I know you want your Hallmark moment when your Ahole fiancé grows the F up and realizes that he’s a father. But the reality is that he let a pregnant woman move to the living room couch instead of be comfortable in a bedroom with a newborn. That tells anyone (viewing your relationship from the outside) what they need to know about him.
You made a baby with a baby.
I’d say he can fuck off up a creek, but that’s me.
Stop. Read what you just wrote down and consider his actions as objectively as you can.
He is showing you who he REALLY IS. This is the person who you will be married to. Not the person you fell in love with. Not the person who was so sweet to you while everything was easy. This guy who prioritizes HIMSELF over you and your son. That’s the guy that you wanted to marry, and produced a child with.
Look into the future. 1 year. 2 years. 5 & 10 years ahead. Knowing how he is when you are struggling to get enough sleep for basic survival, when your child needs a father, can you really expect him to do better? Sadly, he won’t.
Take steps immediately to prioritize yourself and your child.
Unfortunately, you made a baby with the wrong person. He has been showing you who he really is. You would be better off without him around.
This post was HORRIFIC to read. Your SO is a selfish person. You’re sleeping on the couch? He can’t give you help with baby so you can shower or nap?
Kick him to the curb. He will never change. You’re raising 2 babies.
He does not care for your well being and shows no desire to be apart of your baby’s life. I think when he cries about not being a good father its only out of guilt. With your mothers help you would honestly be better off without him. You are already parenting on your own but at least you would get a nice bed instead of the couch. Tell him to pack his things.
Read this as if a friend wrote it.
You know the answer