“I don’t know what you’ve been doing but you look incredible! You’ve lost so much weight!”

Trigger warning: talking about struggles with mental health, weight, and body image. Briefly discuss eating disorders so please take care in consuming. Thank you everyone!

Yesterday, someone complimented me by saying “I don’t know what you’ve been doing but you look incredible. You’ve lost so much weight”

That really stuck with me. I know she only meant well with the compliment but it replaying it in my head, on loop for the whole night.

Around September 2024, I started taking meds to manage my depression. Throughout my life my weight fluctuated, I’ve always had a poor relationship with food, weight, and body image. I’ve gone from binging to basically starving myself. When September 2024 rolled around, I had been feeling apathetic for a while. No motivation to do anything except doom scroll and binge eat. I was also at the heaviest I had ever been. I was so out of touch with my body, I couldn’t even understand my own feelings. I was back in the cycle of using food as a way to feel something. Binging after stressful days as a “reward” but left feeling overfull and crappy afterwards. Honestly, the depression diagnosis was a relief. I thought “ok great, once I get meds, i’m sure i’ll feel more motivated and like myself again.”

But, once I started taking meds, I was still feeling off. No motivation to do anything. Until…I joined a water aerobics class at the beginning of this year. I used to be a swimmer & waterpolo player and the second that smell of chlorine hit my nose on the first day of class, I was hooked. No only was I actually doing something other than doom scroll but actually felt myself reconnecting with my body through movement. When i woke up sore the next morning after that first class, I actually wanted to get out of bed early to stretch out my body as opposed to staying in bed until I had to rush out the door for work. I was grateful for my body and how she kept me afloat in the water, kicking my legs and pushing my arms to move faster.

After the two month class, I felt stronger and more energized. For the first time in a while, I felt like myself again. I fell back in love with moving my body, not with the intention to lose weight but with the intention to grow stronger and get better. I would get excited when I saw improvements in my strength, flexibility, and mental strength. I wasn’t even thinking about the physical changes to my body.

After the water aerobics class ended, I was picking my brain on how to stay active. I knew I liked group classes and one of my friends suggested pilates so I thought “you know what, why not?”

That first class I tried was hell. I was dripping sweat before even starting the class and throughout the workout, I kept burning out and taking breathers. But leaving that class, I got a rush of endorphins. I loved it and how I felt walking out. Sure, I wasn’t a pro and definitely needed to work on my form but it made me feel great. I could feel each muscle getting pushed by the exercise we were doing. I kept going back and I just finished a month of pilates. I have never felt stronger, both mentally and physically.

Until last night; when i got that compliment. I remembered why I was always scared to start working out with the intention to lose weight — the perception from others. For some reason, having others perceive me and know that I was loosing weight scared the shit out of me. I didn’t even notice the weight I lost, I just was focused on how much stronger I felt every day.

So, when I got that compliment yesterday, It threw me for a loop. My first instinct was to shrink up and hide. Again, I knew there were no ill intentions with this compliment but the thought of being perceived as skinnier that I used to be made me feel like I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. Instead of actually shrinking away (like I would have half a year ago), I tried sitting with those feelings.

This morning, I finally pinpointed it. Due to my struggled around my weight and relationship with food, I think I used to place a lot of value on being skinny and because I was not, that meant that I must not have value. I think when I heard this compliment and how looking great was connected to losing weight, it made my heart hurt a bit and brought me back to that way of thinking. I was again reminded how so many people equate weight to a person’s value.

I am still struggling with body image and food but, through movement, I am slowly but surely getting more comfortable with both of these. I am starting to see my body as a strong and amazing thing, with food being the fuel that helps her get stronger. And yes, while I am loosing weight, I am not exercising with the main intention to drop a few pant sizes. I am exercising to feel each muscle in my body. To know that I can do hard things and push through, even if it hurts. And slowly, but surely, I am changing the way I assign value to myself. Not with any number on the scale but with how I take care of and nourish my body.