He’s amazing. We’ve been together for 3 1/2 years, he got us a house, supports me as I get treatment for PTSD, anxiety, depression, and inattentive ADHD. For the most part, I feel like we have a really good relationship, but my paralysis when it comes to cleaning or getting things done is straining us.
I’ve brought up executive dysfunction in therapy. I’ve brought up how I was always criticized, belittled, and screamed at for doing anything wrong, like washing dishes or cutting my steak funny instead of teaching me. I don’t feel like I have any new tools to deal with this, just that I’ve talked about it and how it affects me.
I don’t want to be like this. I’ll spend 5 hours scrolling on my phone, and every second of it, all I can think about is what a piece of shit I am for not being able to get stuff done or hold up my end of the chores. I don’t know what it is, and I don’t know what to do.
I’m more worried about fucking up my relationship than anything, but I especially don’t want to live like this either. It’s cluttered and messy, and it makes my brain scattered and my memory worse because of having to remember where everything is when it’s not away.
I don’t want to call myself lazy because I want nothing more than to not be like this, but I dont know how to fix it. I tried so many coping skills and accessibility tools, and it’s like hitting a brick wall.
He doesn’t deserve this. He works hard and does so much for us. He gave me another reason to not want to die. I would give this man the entire world if I could, but for some god forsaken, unknown fucking reason, I can’t seem to muster up any motivation or focus to do shit I need to do. Make it make sense.
I’m medicated. I brought it up in therapy. But I still feel useless, worthless, and can’t bring myself to fucking move. And he doesn’t deserve that, and I pray he has the patience for me to work through this, but I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t. This is just so devastating because it’s my fault, and he’s singlehandedly the one person I can see myself spending the rest of my life with.
Fuck. I wish I wasn’t like this.
Comments
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he loves you. now you just need to be good to yourself. the shame spiral is real and keeps us from rising above a single dysfunctional moment.
Me? Is this you? Just this post echoed so many of my own thoughts.
I know you said you’re in therapy, have you looked into DBT? I experience a lot of the same things when it comes to executive dysfunction. I have adhd, depression, and c-ptsd as well, I’ve learned that shame spirals make things worse. Your shame is effectively paralyzing you.
You aren’t “lazy”. If you were lazy, you’d be purposely avoiding your chores and it wouldn’t be eating you up inside like it is now. You clearly want to do better, please don’t beat yourself up about it. You aren’t a bad person, you’re just really struggling. The more you shame yourself for your habits, the harder it will be to break them.
Some of the things that help me:
Invite someone over so I feel obligated/pressured to clean. The thought of someone seeing my messy depression nest is one of the few things that propels me into cleaning mode.
Breaking it into smaller pieces. This is the first thing most people suggest when it comes to cleaning with ADHD, and maybe you’ve tried it before, but it genuinely does help me approach something as dreadful as cleaning. For example, if you need to clean the bathroom, focus on wiping down the surfaces first (counter, sink, outside of toilet) then do the tub, then do the floor and mats, etc. Or if you need to do dishes: cutlery first, then mugs/cups, then plates, then pots/pans, etc.
Opposite action/discipline: Opposite action is one of the newer skills im learning in DBT. Basically you do the thing you don’t want to do (but need to), and you don’t rely on a random burst of “motivation” to do it. Also, you don’t attach judgement to it. Relying on random bursts of motivation when you’re depressed and have excectuvie dysfunction isnt going to work.
For me:
“I don’t like having to do the dishes. But more than that, I don’t like seeing roaches in my room. I understand that by avoiding taking these dishes out of my room, I increase my chances of encountering roaches. So, I will choose to do these dishes, because it’s less unpleasant than having roaches in my room.”
It helps me to remain “neutral” when I’m trying to convince myself to do something. Calling myself a worthless piece of shit for not doing dishes does not help in any way, shape, or form, no matter how “true” I believe that to be deep down. I don’t think it helps you, either (challenging these negative core beliefs are definitely way easier said than done, that’s why I choose “neutrality” over “self-compassion”, it feels a bit more tangible for me)