This isn’t about consent, of course.
Whenever there’s drama about a man not being able to turn on a woman (whether in pop culture or personally), both men and women give the advice “oh well tell him what you want him to do.” And I know this isn’t logical, or fair to the man (if he’s genuinely trying), but that’s just such a turn off for me.
The things I want in bed aren’t physical, not really. It’s the ideas behind certain things that are hot, not the actions themselves. And many times, telling a man what you want ruins the idea behind it.
Like, I want you to rip off my clothes (extreme example, I know). But I really want you to desire me enough to rip off my clothes. Now, if I tell you I want you to rip off my clothes, I’ll just be thinking “oh look he’s faking wanting to rip off my clothes, and now my clothes are ruined. And I’m still not turned on.”
I know it’s not logical to expect them to be mind readers, but I don’t think there’s actually a way for “just communicate” to actually work in this scenario. It’s not like I can control my turn ons.
Anyone else feel the same?
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Just using your example, I think expressing this kind extreme desire for your partner is something to talk about OUTSIDE the context of the bedroom. Like: “tomorrow night, when we have sex, can you be more intense in showing your desire? I’ll wear some clothes I don’t care about, and you can rip them off; intense breathing and kissing, maybe throwing me down on the bed, etc.” yeah, it’s a little performative, but it won’t interrupt the flow of the experience for you, and your partner is likely game for that.
This intensity of desire is programmed out of most people in long term relationships, but this minimum level of role play doesn’t negate the actual desire.
You do you and I get it that you want passion, but maybe consider how society trained women to be the “passive” and “receiving” part and the idea of being ravished very much feeds into that. We all like a partner who knows what they’re doing in bed, but communication is key.
Yes and no. I don’t really communicate in the moment because I’m more submissive and doing so in the moment would be a turn off. But I never had sex with someone until we had great communication and talked beforehand about expectations and turn ons. That’s the time I communicate and am direct and open about what I want.
Then after sex I’d make point to discuss what I liked, what I’d want to try in the future, etc. This never felt like a turn off or telling someone what to do, just brainstorming and ideas. When done right it can be very flirty and tease-y.
Then next time he could take the ideas he was most excited about and has been thinking about doing to me since we talked and act on them. Then I don’t think he’s doing it just for me, but because he realllllly wants to and has been thinking about it for a while.
I relate 100%. However, at the end of the day, I didn’t get the kind of sex I enjoyed until I started communicating those desires.
Don’t think of it as “they’re only doing it because I asked and not because I really want to.” Instead, think of it as “they always wanted to but didn’t know that I’d be okay with it… and now that they know they’re unleashing those desires.” It might be the truth… but even if it isn’t, you’ll still be enjoying something you aren’t getting now. And think about things you’ve done for your partner more because you knew they liked it than because you did? Did that make it less enjoyable for them? Most of the time, probably not.
Incompatibility is always a possibility too… but I’d try communicating your desires and seeing how things work out before assuming you just won’t enjoy it because you had to tell them.
I get what you’re saying and this is why casual hookups could never do it for me. I want someone to be comfortable with my boundaries before we do anything so I don’t have to micromanage my pleasure. I feel similarly to you that offering instructions just kills it. My work around has been to write smutty fiction then let my partner read it. They get an idea of what turns me on but without the instruction manual feeling. Don’t know if that would help you but I thought I’d mention it!
I know exactly what you mean. And it’s because you don’t actually want the ripping of clothes, you want the intense, overwhelming desire from your partner. Asking for it feels weird and contrived, and kind of defeats the purpose. I also get off on knowing my partner wants me badly, but it has to be organic to have the effect.
I’d talk to him about it in a way that lets him know you really, really like it when it shows how much he wants you, maybe ramp up the foreplay/teasing a bit, go really slow until he’s good and worked up