I read a very excellent post with a lot of really good follow-up information and advice about tone policing.
I realize that I am guilty of saying the same phrase and have it not come off well for a different scenario and I’m hoping to get some helpful advice about how to turn that situation around.
Sometimes (99% men), there will be an issue and I will be lectured or scolded about what he believes I should be doing differently.
Example: you need to take the recycling bins and trash cans out of the driveway when you first drive home from work before you enter the house rather than after you come inside and doing it when you feel like it.
In this case, I’m upset with the tone that is being used because I feel like I’m being scolded as an errant child not being talked to as an adult with an equal say in house dynamics AND I want to bring in perishable items and my expensive work computer and get all of those things inside rather than have them sit in the car while I’m dealing with recycle bins.
I feel like sometimes we have to address the power dynamic first before we can address the fact that I have a different way of doing that particular task but it’s not particularly “wrong”, it just isn’t how he wants it done.
If I start with, ” Watch the tone. I feel like you’re speaking to me like a child” It can derail the argument. If I don’t address the tone or the manner of speaking, I feel like I’m arguing an uphill battle because the dynamic has been set up that I am the “child” in this situation.
It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it always leaves me super frustrated.
Clearly, from the other post, telling people to watch their tone isn’t the right response. I’d like help navigating this related issue.
Comments
Here is the original.
https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/ccIHAxAnM8
“No, I actually have no need to handle the bins and cans according to your timing preferences.”
“If you want it done your way, you do it.”
To be fair this has ended more relationships than it saved but it highlighted uneven power dynamics that were trying to be established that I don’t tolerate
In this specific case I think it’s fair to focus on the outcome. Bringing in perishables and expensive items absolutely makes sense as a higher priority than taking out recyclables. As long as the recyclables get put out before the pick up, that’s valid. Now if you’re coming inside and getting distracted and missing pick up that’s a whole different matter. There’s a difference between doing something your own way which is part of ownership of the job and not doing it at all which was the case in the previous poster.
I would go back to your partner and take a deep breath and say “You act like I’m doing it this way because I’m lazy. Instead I’m prioritizing not leaving expensive items and perishables outside. Worst case scenario if I bring those in first is that the trash waits a few minutes. Worst case scenario if I take the trash out first is that the food goes bad and or my lap work top is stolen. The trash and recyclables WILL go out before pick up as they always have. If you would like to do them a different way, then we can trade chores and you can take out the trash and recyclables and I will take over a different weekly task that’s similar.”
I’m generally of the opinion that you don’t get to tell someone how to do things as long as they’re being done to an agreed upon standard. The issue with you and your partner is that they seem to think the standard is that the trash goes out within 5 minutes of being home where as you’re like it’s ok as long as it’s before pick up. I had a similar disagreement with my partner but it was that I wanted them out before we went to bed for the night and he wanted to put them out in the morning. But the issue was that we had had several crazy mornings where we ended up missing pick up entirely. That wasn’t my unbased fear, it literally happened multiple times. So I was like we can avoid this by either you have to 100% take responsibility for getting them out in the morning no matter what OR you can put them out before bed. Or I take over the trash and you do something else.
Look at them for 10 seconds. And say: that does not rise to my standard of respect.
So you’re pulling in empty bins and your SO is getting a mild form of rage when they get home if they’re still in the driveway space?
What’s the difference when it’s done if the bins are empty. It’s either an inconvenience to you or to them.
That they would prefer it always be your inconvenience or chore to the point they prescribe how you do a task is a bit much. As you said they’re setting a dynamic of supervisor / subordinate. Unless you both have prescribed tasks you agreed to split and are reneging and actually need to be held accountable, that’s not how anyone wants to be talked to at home after work.
Maybe offer to take on a different chore and let them adopt that one if it’s causing them enough distress they talk down to you about it so often. Otherwise it’ll cause further relationship stress. Telling them straight up that you don’t appreciate being spoken to like a subordinate screwing up at work will work better. But pairing it with an alternative solution may be enough to ease the burn enough it’s actually a received message.
This may not work for every scenario, but for ones like what you’ve shared, I’d try something like the following:
“Are you looking to have a conversation about the best way to do X or are you looking to lecture me?”
You can then either wait for a response (and then use this if they want to have a conversation), or continue with something like:
“Because the way you’re handling things right now is not conducive to a respectful discussion, so if that’s your intent, it may be a good idea to take a moment to cool off and then let’s start again.”
The problem with most tone policing is that it’s just an excuse to shut things down rather than a real issue with the approach being used. By allowing for the possibility that there is a real discussion to be had and offering a method by which it can happen, you’re avoiding the complete shut down and instead establishing the rules by which you’re willing to engage – keep it respectful and a conversation between equals.
You don’t try to control him. You only control yourself. “I am not going to tolerate condescension from anyone. I can hear it in your voice right now. If that continues, I am going to leave this conversation and we can come back to it when emotions aren’t as high.” If it continues, you say “OK. I am leaving now. I’ll come back to it in a few hours.” Then leave. Get in the car. Go for a walk. Go to the library. Go get your won dinner. Get an ice cream. Something. But, leave and come back in a few hours. If it’s still condescending, leave again. Do it again and again and again as needed.
I don’t agree that you need to address “the fact that [you] have a different way of doing that particular task” at all
I don’t think you should bother explaining your reasoning, arguing about who is right or wrong, or defending your right to even HAVE your own reasoning at all. I think you need to ask him what his fucking problem is. get right to it. what is his actual problem. is it hard for him to park when the bins are out?
just don’t engage with the other shit
“I don’t need instruction on how to bring in the trash cans.” or
“no, that’s not how I do it.” or
“you do know I don’t have to do this task the way you would do it, right? I’m not doing it incorrectly, so if it’s important that it gets done your way, you have to do it.”
I wouldn’t address his tone. I’d just make it clear that this is how I do it, this is how I will continue to do it. End of conversation
Who are these men to you? Because I personally would call out the tone policing, in a not-nice way. But I have had enough bullshit for one lifetime and only give nice to people who are known to return it.
Well, I think in this situation it would be appropriate to respond something along the lines of “If you want to have a constructive conversation about this, we need to talk to each other politely and like adults”. Though, this raises the question if he’s actually looking for a constructive conversation…