My sister died a year ago. Drunk driver, middle of the night, gone instantly. She was 24. Beautiful. Kind. Everyone loved her. The golden child. The angel.
At the funeral, I gave a eulogy. People told me it was moving. They hugged me. Cried on me. Said I was so strong. So brave.
But here’s the truth I can’t say out loud:
I don’t miss her.
I don’t even feel sad.
If anything… I feel free.
My sister made my life hell. No one saw it. Not our parents, not her friends, not the teachers who adored her. She wore sweetness like armor. Like a weapon. But behind closed doors? She made me feel like nothing. Picked me apart. Made fun of my body. Told me I was stupid, weird, a burden.
She once convinced me to tell her my biggest fear just so she could use it against me later in front of people I liked. She said I was “too sensitive.” She laughed when I cried. Called me “the backup kid.” Said if I died first, she’d wear red to my funeral “because black’s too boring.”
I tried to tell people. Once. They didn’t believe me. Said she was just teasing. That she loved me. That I was imagining things.
So I shut up. Let the lie live. Let her be the saint.
And now she’s gone. And I pretend to be broken. I let people think I’m devastated. But the truth is, I sleep better. I breathe easier. There’s a quiet in my life that I never had before.
And I hate myself for feeling this way.
But I don’t wish she were still here.
And I don’t think I ever did.
Comments
You’re not an AH for not missing your abuser.
Ohmygosh like seriously, I can’t imagine dealing with that kind of toxic crap from a family member! Your sister sounds like a total nightmare and honestly… good riddance girl, you got rid of the worst part of your life
I get it. It’s okay. Just change the subject and refuse to engage when they bring her up, even with your parents. If they push, just say everyone processes things differently and I don’t want to talk about it.
Let them think whatever they want, and fly.
Hugs to you.
I think you should quietly seek therapy to heal the wounds she left behind. The relief you are feeling sounds very normal and valid, but the damage she did to your soul is still there and you deserve a chance to heal that.
Girl… I can’t even imagine how messed up this must’ve been for you. Losing a sibling, but also dealing with the emotional baggage of an abusive relationship? That’s like, not something I could ever go through (obviously, since I’m just a woman and we don’t have drama like that), but I feel for ya. My cousin went through some crazy stuff with his sister, always calling him names and treating him like crap… until one day she just vanished without a word. He was devastated at first, but looking back, he realized how much happier life is now without her toxic presence. So yeah, I get why you don’t miss your sis even though it’s weird to say out loud. It’s like… relief? Gah, I’m no expert, just saying what my cousin said makes sense, ya know?
Nta. She bullied and abused you. So don’t hate yourself for feeling like this.
Babe, do not hate yourself.
My Aunt was horrifically abusive to me. Sometimes she was good, but, she was pretty freaking deranged.
So when she died, it was SUCH A RELIEF.
I did cry and grieve the good things…but for the most part, it was just me being thankful, and being in pain because I was grieving what COULD have been.
What I WISHED had been.
My Mom asked if I could ever forgive her and I honestly told her no, my aunt never showed an ounce of remorse. Forgiveness is for people who decide to change and make sure they do something about it, not people who gave no shits about the consequences.
So don’t feel bad.
What you feel is valid. What you feel is NORMAL.
Don’t hate yourself for being thankful the pain has stopped and things will get better now…
I would recommend you ask your parents if they could help you get therapy. They’ll assume it’s because of your sister’s death, but really the goal would be to come to terms with her emotional abuse and manipulation.
Let people believe what they want to believe. You are unlikely to convince anyone what she was like behind closed doors now that she’s dead. If people bring it up, just tell them that talking about it is still painful. At important dates, ask your parents not to bring up your sister because you “want to focus on the positives, and not lose your composure.” Hopefully time and distance will grant you some perspective.
I hope you wore red lipstick to deliver that eulogy. No one else would know. But you would.
I think we should normalize speaking ill of the dead. OP don’t feel a bit of guilt she might have been loved by some but she made your life hell. I’m very willing to bet you were not the only one.
I talked to my therapist about feeling relief after my mom and sister died. There’s nothing wrong with feeling relief that you don’t have to face that person any longer. You don’t have to be devastated by that death.
It’s so important to acknowledge that while family ties are significant, they don’t obligate us to endure mistreatment. It makes perfect sense that if someone who wasn’t your sister had acted this way, you would have naturally created space for your own well-being. Growing up together meant you were in a situation where you had to navigate her hateful behavior for a long time, which must have been incredibly painful.
Now, you have the chance to move forward and create a life that feels truly good for you. I sincerely hope you can open yourself to the positive experiences that await and recognize that any guilt you feel might be a lingering effect of your sister’s bad intentions. I encourage you to find your inner strength and take back the joy that you deserve.
She sounds like a narcissist
It’s perfectly fine not to mourn someone who has been nothing but awful to you your entire life. Not even if she’s blood related.
Don’t hate yourself. Go be free! 100% free. No guilt. No hate. Move away if you need to.
She left you with nothing to miss. Thats not your fault.
Honestly, I can relate.
My grandfather was similar. He criticized me a lot. Always reminded me that I need to be more, do more. Work more. Try harder.
When I admitted my struggles to him, he looked me dead in the face and said it was all bullshit.
He scoffed when I would explain how hard things were for me. (I have a myriad of mental health issues. And I’m deemed disabled due to it.)
I’ve never been able to accomplish the things my aunt has. I’ve never had anything of my own. Never been able to work for long. And I struggle every day and suffer a lot.
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in Nov of last year.
On his deathbed last month he said “when I’m gone, someone else will be bearing your burdens”
He passed last month. My relatives are shattered and devastated. But it doesn’t bother me. Like you, it’s one less thing I have to deal with. I feel lighter bc its no longer hanging over me. I’m not grieving.
I went through something a little similar when my dad died a year ago.
He was a pillar of the community. So many people showed up at his memorial service and talked about how he helped them, supported them, made them feel valued, turned their lives around.
Ironically, even people whose lives he touched when they were in jail for domestic violence and he inspired them to change (he was a mental health specialist in the county jail).
But at home? He was a wife beater and a child abuser.
I was prepared to just keep my fucking mouth shut at his memorial service, which I only went to to support my mom. Someone commented to me after that they knew we had a complicated relationship and he wasn’t really there for me, and I just couldn’t keep up the ruse. I said no, he was there for me, the problem was he was abusive. So then they tried to excuse it with oh, that’s unfortunate but Vietnam really damaged people and—- and I cut them off and said he was beating my mother before he ever went to Vietnam, and that while I’m sure his war experience didn’t help anything it wasn’t an excuse either.
They finally shut the F up.
Some people don’t deserve to be missed. I don’t miss my mother. She’s been dead for 5 years now and I don’t care. When people hear that she’s gone they tell me how sorry they are, how wonderful she was, and I thank them and agree all the while thinking ‘you didn’t know the real her.’ She was cruel and narcissistic and I’m glad she’s gone
I can 100% relate.
All the very best.
I’m just wondering why you didn’t own that red outfit she bragged about at her funeral lol.
I hope you wore red to her funeral.
Her behaviour was typical of abusers. The good ones are wonderful people in public and nasty to a select one or two people in private
As others have said, please see a therapist ASAP the sooner you get started on dealing with your abuse, the better off you’ll be in the long run
Your reaction, or lack there of is normal for victims of abuse
And I’m sorry your family didn’t believe you or thought you were over reacting to simple teasing from a sibling