I Don’t See The Point in Anything

I, (F20), feel like I am supposed to be excited about life, but sometimes I just can’t motivate myself to care about anything. Putting effort into my appearance feels stupid, because it feels like I’m trying to be something I’m not and am just “cosplaying” a pretty girl. I feels like I’m making a mockery of legitimately pretty girls, and that I think my “market value” is higher than it actually is. Everyday I feel like I am angry, anxious, and irritated for no reason, and can’t focus on anything. I tried ADHD medication to improve my focus, but with the improved focus came anger and more anxiety, so I’m not even sure if it’s worth it. Sometimes I don’t see the point in trying in school, because even if I do bad nothing changes. Everything in life just feels like labels, so if I suck at everything does it really make a difference? I used to put so much pressure on myself to be the best, but sometimes now I just don’t care about anything. Being “the best” doesn’t make you rich, good marketing does. I don’t see the point in wanting to date, because I genuinely just don’t care. I don’t get crushes, I don’t want to go on dates, I have no desire to have sex. Overall I unfortunately just don’t care. I always feel tense and on the edge of crying, even when I act happy and put together. I feel like everything friendship I have is just acting and tiring and exhausting, and I sick of having to “turn myself on” to be able to tolerate talking to people. I used to love to perform, but the past five or so years I just don’t have the confidence I had as a kid, and feel like my body is falling apart and my mind is about to explode anytime I try to audition for things in front of people. My mood shifts so quickly for no reason. This morning I was so happy, and now I feel like I want to crawl into a hole. People getting mad at me for failing to do well at certain things in school doesn’t motivate me. I cry and get anxious, but nothing develops or changes. I’m not passionate about anything, and don’t know wtf to do to be happy. I want money and fame and power to prove people wrong, but at the same time I just want to disappear.