A little background first… I’m a single dad, and have been for the last 11 years. Prior to that, things were going okay for the most part. Then, after 9 years together, I found out she had been cheating with my “best friend” for 3 years or so. Apparently all of my “friends” knew about it. Needless to say, I told them all to fuck right the fuck off. I only had 2 friends left, who i rarely talked to at the time. I found this out shortly after she told me not to come home, via phone call, while i was only my way home from my overnight job, which caused me literally to be extremely sleep deprived (~20 hours of sleep a WEEK on average, literally). I found the convicted pedo (who’s victim was 5 years old) from across the road sitting in my living room after the 30 minute drive home. He was nailing her too. He started watching my 2 yo daughter during the day, (after i was forced out) because he was jobless. beccause she fired the sleep deprived babysitter (me) which led to the pedo situation. I forced that whole situation to come to an abrupt end, haha. The pedo made it possible for me to get sole custody of our two kids without even needing an attorney so i rubbed it in her face, because I could. it was satisfying. I’m pretty much over all that. it’s been 11 years.
I know this is convoluted AF and I’m just feeling sorry for myself.
Anyhow, I live with my 13 old daughter and 16 son. my oldest son is 28 and on his own.
I rarely receive child support ( a whopping $312 a month) and shes $12k in the arrears, which makes it much harder for me being as I’m broke. I simply have a lot of expenses. My bills get paid. Oh, she also lives 3 hours away and only sees the kids maybe 6 times a year, if that. basically, I NEVER EVER get a break (except when I’m at work). so that’s that.
In the last several months, I have given it far more thought than i care to admit, but I find myself thinking ‘fuck it, I.m so tired of it all. my children are the only thing keeping me above ground’. Just to be clear, I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING RASH. Ive got people who need me. FUCK!
And now I’m fucking crying again.
I’m bipolar and am medicated, so I have to fight that shit too. For the past 4 years or so, I’ve been smoking weed at night just to escape shit, but only after 9pm, because I don’t want to be stoned all the time. I’m sure that isn’t really helping me, but it feels good and I like it.
for the last 6 months or so, I have had no interest in much at all. I spend most of my free time re watching old shows and movies. I’m currently on my third consecutive round of the entire Dexter series. I’m on S04E02 again. I don’t have much desire to do anything else. I bought a table saw and a few other things to try and get back into wood working. Ive done that in the past and I enjoy it.
Almost forgot, I haven’t been in a relationship or had sex since I separated from my ex. It doesn’t really bother me because I only have to answer to me. Although, I’m so fucking lonely, So I guess It does bother me.
I spend a majority of the day in my head, which has created a new problem for me. I don’t always vocalize things when I actually do talk to people. People frequently look at me like ‘WTF’ because the words just didn’t get spoken. I simply think it and don’t realize I have done so until I get the looks.
I don’t eat much, even when my stomach is literally growling. It gets loud AF. I just don’t feel like it. That is starting to be an issue too for obvious reasons. I’m still 5’10” and 170 lbs, so I’m not going to starve to death.
And the fucking crying starts again. WTF IS WRONG WITH ME???
well, my gun just came to mind. that was fun. NOT!
I’m done feeling sorry for myself for now. maybe I’ll add to this. IDK.
Riding my motorcycle really helps with all the shit. Then there is the issue of me going 100+ on the highway because maybe something will happen. if it does, no more problems, I really just don’t give AF.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening.
TL; DR: I hate my life and I’m crying about it.
Comments
I hope you find peace, it’s hard but its there.
I’m not sure how self aware you are about your situation. I was in the same spot (psychologically, not situationally). You’re in severe depression and are in a downward spiral fueled by your habits caused by…. your severe depression.
To take it from the top, you’re not over what happened you’ve just suppressed. That’s affecting various parts of your life now. That’s the source of your depression, think of it like a sewage pipe that keeps flowing into your house.
You’re doing a lot of things to manage the smell.
Smoking weed dulls your mind so you don’t feel as much.
Binge watching TV shows to pass the time so that you don’t have to hear the thoughts in your head.
Reckless driving as a means of temporary escape.
There’s a lot of pain that your mind isn’t allowing to surface and it’s showing up as all these weird things.
You’re not going to do anything rash now but that day will come. It might be tomorrow, when a series of unfortunate events lead you down a spiral, and not even the love for your children will help you.
I know because I’ve almost commited suicide five times. The last time, thinking of my sister didn’t help. I got lucky and I’m still here.
You need to vent this sewage somewhere urgently. Ideally a therapist, but I understand if that isn’t financially possible for you.
Other options are a helpline, journaling works really well if you sit down, force yourself to write about how you feel and what you’re thinking about. A lot however struggle to be alone with their thoughts and retreat to coping habits.
Me personally? I can’t afford therapy these days so I just vent to ChatGPT. Specifically ChatGPT. The other ones don’t sound as conversational.
It has a 40 message limit every 3 hours so you gotta dump an essay.
Don’t let your shitty wife waste anymore of your life. You’re a good man and a father and you deserve sugar, spice and everything nice.