I’m (30F) unsure if I’m over I’m high school sweethearts (30M). We were together from high school until 3rd year of university (6 years). He broke things off when he couldn’t handle the pressure of my car crash, it left me with a disability – I was 21 at that time.
We kept in touch because we’re in the same high school friend group and have gatherings 1-2x a year.
I’ve had several relationships after our break up but I realized that I’ve always look for characteristics of him – facial features, career, hobbies, personality class. He hasn’t dated anyone in 9-10 years and visits me when I’m in hospital (it’s been more frequent the past 2-3 years).
Currently, I have a boyfriend 30M, very supportive, we’ve been going out for 1.5 years.
I want the best for my high school sweetheart and frequently have ‘what if?’ about my injury. But I want some type of closure? I don’t know what I want. Thank you.
Comments
Have you tried talking to your ex about how you’ve felt in the past ?
i’m so sorry u went through that life changing accident that left u with a disability. may i ask what the disability is? it’s alright if u don’t want to share.
tbh, he left u due to ur disability, i think it’s probably best u move on. if u need closure, talk to him one more time about. maybe he has the maturity now to look past it, embrace it, and love u despite of it. he has kept in touch with for all these years for a reason.
still though, it’s best to be with someone who does not see ur disability as a burden.
Trauma bonding or something similar. In a way maybe it impacts you so much because when your life was turned upside down he was there at the time and you fell for him. But him not breaking it off after 6 years should be a wake up call. He is just not the one for you. You’re just wasting your time obsessing over things that you’re making up in your own mind. Good luck but tbh it’s time to just move on. Easier said than done, but as important as it feels, there will be a day when you wake up and it won’t be on your mind anymore. Just try and have that day come sooner than you ruining a possible perfect relationship.
Do you think he’d go for “in sickness and in health” if he ended things because of your disability?
Sounds rough. First of all. Closure is so rare. It sucks but often you just don’t get it.
It might be generic or something you’ve already tried. But look back on the relationship and don’t think about the good times. Think about the bad times. Look again. Was it as good as you remember? Or have you built it up to be better than it was?
Also consider that people change soo much between 20 and 30. My life and goals are so different from when I was 20. I’m now 32. Is that person even the same after all this time.
But honestly if someone left you due to a disability, they ain’t the one.
We often crave comfort.
We often feel like “what is familiar is what is safe”
This might be as the case for you.
Don’t be afraid to let him go.
He let you go.
And you need to live in the moment with your current partner.
It’s not easy. I also took a while to get over my ex but I realised it’s cause I was holding on to the “what if” and that just wasn’t fair to me either.
You might be trying to relive the feeling of how things were before your disability. Your cravings might be more for that time than for your ex. Do you speak with a therapist?
Nostalgia can be confusing and intoxicating….
Without knowing details of how things ended originally, I’ll take the contrarian side and say that we, as people, are generally poorly equipped to handle relationships at 21 years old. I walked out of relationships at that age over much stupider things than disability. I, too, regret my choices and often wonder “what if.”
Others have, with good reason, commented that it wasn’t very “in sickness and in health” of him to leave over that, but I could imagine how overwhelming that may have been from his perspective (not to minimize yours, of course, but just to try to understand his actions).
Could be that he would be better-equipped to handle a relationship today.
However, it sounds like you have a good thing going with your current man. Would be a shame to lose something good over an aching memory of a what-if.
I’d recommend talking to your boyfriend about how you feel, honestly. It involves him, whether he knows it or not, and the catharsis of expressing how you feel to the one person you feel like you can’t talk about it to might help a lot with getting over your ex.
It will likely be a difficult conversation, but at 30 we’re a lot better-equipped to have those. Best of luck!
I’m sorry that you went through all of this. I’m sure this was all very painful for you. It’s sad to hear that he broke things off when you became disabled.
I’m not trying to spark a hope in you, but 10 years can grant perspective. But I would have wondered why he hasn’t brought anything up after you two being friends for so long.
Do you two have deep conversations? Would it be abnormal to try to get some closure? Idk. Would it be worth losing a friendship over? Worth losing a supportive boyfriend over ?
Think about the risks. But if it’s worth pursuing, I say talk to him.
But like what’s been said, there’s a chance that he’s still not able to give you what you need, and moving forward, what if he made the same decision again?
You’re worth a steadfast love that isn’t going to bolt as soon as things get hard.
Hi, I’m 25m. When I was 17 I was in 12th class, I introverted nature and at that time I had 3 to 4 friends they saw a girl and called her by my name for fun only all the time and eventually, she proposed to me letter took me for the date but it was the first time I was talking to a girl but I go with her and it went little awkward but she didn’t care and use to talk to me on phone and chat but she had friend and group of people that are more extrovert and have nothing plan for future so I was Trying to stay away and focus on my life that I don’t get fail in life and I started ignoring her and ghosted her. I want her To be like me at the times.
After the 12 we changed the college and it it all ended. But after a 7 to 8-year letter, I realised I was stupid and changing and making life like they do in movies is just fiction; I made a fake account and followed her on Instagram to just see her photos. So, finally, I took the courage to follow her by my actual account and texted her. She replied, but I asked if she still remembered me, and she replied no, and I texted her, ok. I just liked her 2 3 photos, and after a week, I realised she actually moved and had a good life with friends and living well. It’s good that I’m not with her.
Till now, due to my introverted nature, I am single and never dared to ask anyone. I don’t know what to do, but ok to go ahead with life and live here and there. She has a good life, so I unfollowed her on Instagram. I hope I might find someone better, or if not, I have been single for all my life, at least because of me someone didn’t destroy her life.
You should leave him where he was and look for further with the person you are now. It will go well; at least have hope.
I’m M27. I can’t relate to your situation, but I have intentionally choose to leave my job to grieve for my ex. We were in love for 6 years and I could not become someone she deserved.
It’s been 7 months I’m jobless. Thank god I am financially supported by my parents.
I have been through a lot. But what keeps me going on is how I chose to direct my energy. I need to get a job as soon as possible. I say to myself that I am not the body or the mind. So my mind cannot control me but I have control on my mind, as in I choose to respond to the emotions.
It is difficult for few days. After that, it becomes easy.
Love is pure and ultimate. But it is nothing but some chemicals in our brain.
We need to acknowledge this and redirect our energy to do something out of lives.
This is the only way.
You might be similar to me that people who leave me or reject me get idealized.
THIS GUY LEFT YOU.
The hurt is authentic so you idealize him or the situation or long for an idyllic past that never actually existed and forget that THIS GUY LEFT YOU.
Meanwhile a guy is right there, seemingly treating you right and seems … less.
Your brain wants to heal the trauma caused WHEN THIS GUY LEFT YOU and you learned you couldn’t count on him. He is a red flag wrapped in a red flag waving a red flag.
Many people do this, certainly not you alone. We let the same people or just the idea of the same people hurt us over and over.
We return to people the way dogs return to vomit. It would heal us so much if the person who kicked us to the curb loved us, because it validates us and heals us. The problem is, it was never about us, it was about them the whole time.
Also, that guy left you when times got tough. Times will always get tough.
I think you have to remind yourself that he left you at one of your worse times in life, that’s not someone you want by your side. If anything that speaks more about their character. It’s a rough situation still having to see that person every now and then but remember your worth!
Nostalgia and the idea or dream of what could have been is awful. I had a bad crash i was left not well and since then i to always think what could have been it can destroy you. Only look forward is my advice live in the now
You will never heal. Every new partner will be compared to your dream guy. Every new guy you meet would never live up to him. You can’t even settle properly.
You seem to have a loving partner. I hope that he doesn’t have to carry the burden of you being confused about your feelings towards someone who hasn’t been part of your life for a while. Remember, your ex left you when you’re at your lowest, so that says a lot.
Well, he’s happily single it would appear, so do you really think even if you hadn’t had the accident, he’d have still been with you…👀 ,some people are happy with their own company, and I’m sure after all this time, he’s definitely over you as he’s made no moves.
You can’t move forward as long as you’re looking back. If you are okay with holding on to your memory of him and spending the rest of your life alone, then keep doing what you’re doing. Otherwise, if you want to be with someone who loves you in sickness and in health, let it go and move on. 10 years is a very long time to hold on to an ex. Don’t waste any more of your youth on this.
Sometimes closure doesn’t really give us what we want. You expect to feel some kind of relief or satisfaction from it, but oftentimes it can be disappointing.
After so many years it may be that you’re seeing the past in rose colored glasses. The best thing to do is to move on and not focus on the “what’s ifs” because that will get you nowhere. It will only drive you crazy. It would be best to talk to a professional about letting things go.
He made his decision years ago and it’s clear that he’s not the kind of guy you need in your life. And wishing for him to be that guy is just wasting your energy. Try to focus on the now, because it will pass you by in no time
Romanticized memories can mess up your mind.
Drink more and get over them.
I’m so sorry.
And when you want him back- remember what kind of person he is. He left you because you developed a disability. That’s what kind of person he is. A horrible one.
I know it’s easy to think back to when things were good, and to want that. But you’re thinking of the past not the present reality.
Again, I am so sorry. You deserve better. And from the sounds of it, you have better.