I’m 30. Been with my partner since we were 22. We’re not married, but we’ve been living together for almost a decade. We have a 3-year-old daughter.
Or at least… I think she’s my daughter. Lately, I’m not sure. There was never a “moment” where I found out anything. No smoking gun or dramatic confrontation. Just… small things. Too many of them.
She doesn’t look like me. At all. I know that’s not always a sign (genetics are weird, recessive traits and all that) but I swear, she’s a carbon copy of one of my old coworkers. A guy my girlfriend used to hang out with back when we were having problems, around the time she got pregnant. She always swore they were just friends. He had a girlfriend too. Nothing ever “happened,” according to her.
But she used to get weirdly defensive if I brought him up. She deleted texts. Would turn her phone over when she was with me. That kind of thing. At the time, I chalked it up to insecurity. I let it go. We were in a rough patch, I didn’t want to rock the boat. And then, a few months later, she told me she was pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but we were in our late twenties and kind of figured, “Maybe this is the thing that brings us closer.”
And for a while, it did. Or maybe I just told myself that because I didn’t want to admit I already had doubts.
Lately though, I’ve been spiraling. I saw a video of my coworker on Instagram (he’s still around, lives in a different city now) and he posted a throwback. The resemblance between him and my daughter hit me, and it actually hurts. The eyes. The mouth. Even the way she tilts her head when she’s curious, it’s like watching him in miniature.
And then there’s the way my partner acts. She gets quiet anytime I bring up the early days of her pregnancy. Avoids the topic, changes the subject, etc. She never says, “She looks like you.” Ever. Not once. Is that normal?
I’ve never asked for a paternity test. I don’t know if I ever will. I think I’m just going to pretend everything’s fine. I smile. I do daycare drop-offs. I go to work. I laugh at dinner. And I slowly fall apart in silence.
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I think at the end of the day the question is can your love that child regardless of the fact whether it’s your own or not. Because the child is not at fault and for her you are her father. She needs to be loved unconditionally. You have to ask yourself if you can do that or not. And if not, I guess better remove yourself fast.
My dad wasn’t my bio dad and he knew but didn’t care. I found out in 2019, after he passed. If you love her, why should it matter? She deserves a dad to love her. Leave it at that if you can. Forgive your wife and move on (I know it sounds easy). Life is short and fragile. Give the love you can and try your best to be the best dad you can.
well that’s gonna eat and you and rot you from the inside out. don’t be a coward.
This relationship is going to kill you if you do nothing
Someday she will find out. Also for medical reasons she may need to know who her bio dad is.
This is a huge secret for your partner to keep. I can’t imagine your pain right now.
What id suggest is take things one step at a time. Get therapy, process how you truly feel and what steps you want to take in regard to this.
I will say that this likely won’t be able to be ignored forever. I think first step would also be to get a paternity test. It may confirm what you already may know.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
I think you will always be your daughter’s father. But I don’t know that you want to continue a relationship like you are with your partner. I would ask for the paternity test so you can know for sure. But I would give everything you have to remain in your daughter’s life.
I’m different in that my parents had an affair with each other then got together but I carry my mother’s ex-husband’s last name cos they were married. I’m also the only white passing in native American family so it was always am I Mike’s*, or dad’s within the community and extended family. But never with dad, who just loved me regardless.
If you love her, like my dad did me, it doesn’t matter.
You don’t need to ask your partner for a paternity test, you can just get it done.
Find out. Confront your wife. Then decide what you want to do. You’re going to have a hard time figuring out what you want to do if you’re constantly wondering. Oddly enough, having our worst fears confirmed can be illuminating in ways we wouldn’t expect.
IMO there are 2 different issues:
The lie & betrayal from your spouse. That needs to be dealt with. It’s huge. It could even be unforgivable. That’s for you to decide. But either way you deserve to know the truth about your own life.
Your daughter. She might not be your bio daughter, but she’s yours. Also, remember to give yourself grace. You’re allowed to feel whatever you want. Even if that changes from day to day as you process. It’s natural. Also, thoughts & feelings are neutral. They don’t define you. So feel empowered to find out the truth. It gives you information that you deserve to know. At least you can silence that voice in your head. If you know the truth & decide it doesn’t matter it’s closed. If you decide it doesn’t matter and spend the rest of your life periodically wondering… that’s a waste of your time & emotions. It’s also a snake in the grass that could bite you when you’re dealing with something else. Good luck. Also, I can’t recommend therapy enough.
Biology is weird, but it is a big secret to keep of it is true. Your gripe is not with your daughter but your partner.
Your daughter only knows you as her father. It is your decision to pursue this and it is your right to know, but your daughter is not guilty. 3 years she has only known you. You were the one to wipe her tears, help her sleep, feed her, and love her. That kind of bond is not bound in biology. My mother was a horrible person but the man she married, for all his faults, did his best. He stepped up and was there for us in every way even if it was hard at first. He never said “your kids” but “our kids”.
I don’t have a bad memory of him even if we are at odds now due to my mother. You have one life to live and you should live it free, but remember to allow yourself to keep this bond no matter what. Even if it’s not for her, for you. She may not look like you, but focus on the way she looks AT you. Speaking as a daughter the bond between a girl and her dad is unbreakable.
If he worked with you how’d they meet? why would they hang out without you if the met through you?
Can he do a paternity test without mom knowing… if it matters to him. It will confirm what he suspects is true or lay it to rest. OP should be fully prepared for what he wants if the little girl isn’t his.
Do a dna test secretly. If she’s not yours and want to continue to be her daddy, don’t tell your partner. If y’all split she could take her from ya
Forget about what you need for your peace of mind. Your daughter deserves to know who her biological father is. It won’t change the dynamic that she’s your little girl, but there are plenty of reasons it’s important for her to know her biological ties. Health reasons, among others. Get the test and make a decision about the relationship afterward.
The other side to this: you have a partner you’re convinced cheated on you. You need to deal with those feelings.
^^^ this led to the end of my first marriage. My ex was constantly paranoid I was cheating or had cheated, and eventually I couldn’t take the lack of trust anymore. I never cheated. He made me wish I had. I divorced him. Living under a microscope for no reason SUCKED.
Ask yourself if you love the kid enough to never know the truth or care about the truth and raise her as your own? went through the same thing and did get a test to make sure and the boy is mine
My friend, you need to do something. This is eating you up! If you can move past it and stay with her even with your daughter not being biologically yours, you should be able to have this hard conversation with her. Get the test, if you need it. You deserve answers.
You can covertly get a paternity test… test can be purchase at any pharmacy or online. It’s just a swab inside your mouth and the child mouth. Results can be back in as little as two weeks. Once you have that answer, you can plan the next steps.. good luck !
“I bought all of us 23 and me for fun! I think it’d be interesting to see what backgrounds we have. Let’s do daughter first. I’ve always found genealogy fascinating. Did you know you dont get 50/50 from each parent?It’d be neat to see how hers is split.”
And watch your gf very closely. Don’t back down. Have the kit open and ready.
If everything is a-ok, you get a neat chart on all of your geneology.
My dad wasn’t my bio dad and I always knew on some level and didn’t give a fuck. He loved and supported me and I had no interest in anyone else.
As far as she’s concerned you’re her dad.
If you can be that for her then be there, if you’re just going to fall apart then do her a favour and make way for someone else.
She needs love and support.
Put your big boy pants on either way.
Get the DNA test.
Just ask her…really do it, dude!
You need to know and more importantly so does the child. Health issues are a thing and this sort of shit matters.
Every day this user posts some new storyline about his wife cheating.
This is going to eat you alive. You can easily take your daughter and get a paternity test done. Save your sanity. Eventually you will beging to reaent or hate your daughter with all your doubts and your mental health will decline.
Be careful. You could be forced to share custody with that jerk coworker.
Save proof of your parenting actions, the pediatrician visits, the parent-teacher meetings, the school dropoffs. That’ll help protect your custody rights, in case you ever break up with the mother.
This might be super unpopular, but I suggest you slow down on taking any action toward genetics or confrontation until you’ve processed your options and the potential consequences.
If she cheated and got away with it she will do it again. Test the child without saying anything to your girlfriend and once the results are in make your decision.
If she isn’t your child and you want to leave she is young enough at this point she won’t have much memory of the loss. It will only be harder on her later if you delay. ❤️🩹
I say, get both of your DNA tested. Then, you’ll know for sure and can make an informed decision.
We have instincts for a reason. Your reasons sound quite reasonable to me to suspect something is off about the situation.