Im 29F and I simply don’t want children. I don’t want the sickness, I don’t want the pain. And I know myself, I can’t handle the screaming and crying. I can barely handle our two cats.
But he’s expected to have kids because he’s the oldest and only boy from his family. And frankly, I don’t care. I don’t want this and I’m running out of time to have kids anyway. I keep seeing videos from people who think being mothers is the best thing ever, but still describe things that are my absolute worst nightmare. What do I do?
He knows I don’t want to have kids, and he doesn’t push me, but I’m afraid of his resentment if I don’t give him them.
EDIT: I have expressed this multiple times over the years, and he knows. He’s not pushing me into it…but he’s also not backing down.
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It will ruin your relationship . If you truly don’t, and he truly does, then end it now.
Say this but to him, word for word
This is a fundamental incompatibility.
But does he want kids or is he just expected to have them?
29 is still really young to meet another partner. If you really really don’t want children and he is determined to have a family then you know what to do. It will be painful but better in the long run.
Having or not having kids is a deal breaker. Don’t wait to find out.
Don’t get married
If you don’t want children then don’t have children. It is your body after all!
Be true to yourself and him and don’t hold each other back.
It sounds like the relationship is meant to end. Goals dont align then this relationship is a waste of time.
It’s insane how dense people are these days. The answer is simple…..
Like someone else said, incompatibility. It’s going to hurt, but you need to be straight up with him sooner rather than later.
Don’t lead him on any longer just to tell him in a few years that you really don’t want kids. That’s gonna be terrible for both of you.
Why on earth would the two of you marry given your diametrically opposed views on something so foundational to a relationship? Neither of you are wrong but both of you are absolutely wrong together.
It seems the choice to stay in the relationship is not yours, but his. You must tell him this is on your mind and troubling you. You must make clear you are adamant that your future must be one without children and he needs to decide if he is happy with that. If he can commit to a childless life with you then you can both relax and enjoy your time.
Did the topic never come up before you got engaged? I don’t think you should get married because you’d both end up resenting each other. I know it’s gonna hurt but it’s better to end it now than having to go through divorce.
Kids are not something to compromise. I’d ask why HE wants kids not his family or if HE even wants them or would just be putting you through that for the sake of making other people happy. If he truly wants kids I’d end it
If you truly don’t want children then end it now otherwise he’ll resent you and it’ll end eventually anyway
You guys didn’t discuss this before getting engaged?
Don’t get married.
Honestly, you gotta look out for number 1 here – that’s you btw. It ain’t about what his fam expects or what societal norms are. If kids ain’t in your playbook, then that’s totally valid, and it’s def important to have this convo with him ASAP even if it’s hard. Remember – it’s your life, your rules, and there ain’t no compromise when it comes to bringing another life into the world. You do you, sis. 🙌
You know what to do; you just wish there were an easier option. Neither of you will change the other’s mind.
You two are not a good match. Break up and find someone who doesn’t feel he has the duty to procreate. Plus, the fact that his family has leverage in such a private and personal decision is not a good sign for future happiness for you or whoever he marries.
Then stop wasting each other’s time.
How can you agree to marry someone without having this most crucial point figured out? There is no coming back from this disagreement, unfortuantely.
That being said, don’t let youself be pushed into having children for him!! Especially if it’s just because of societal expectations.
check out the r/childfree subreddit.
Being chilfree is a joy!
End it. Obviously, you’re incompatible on that subject and it’s a major one.
You should never have gotten engaged without figuring this out. You can have a happy compromise on the number of kids. You absolutely cannot have a happy compromise on having kids at all or not. If you aren’t both eagerly on board with the same path, you’re wasting your time.
You need to end this relationship do not marry this man it’ll just end up in divorce court anyway
Then don’t be together.
It not fair to you or him.
This relationship will never work out. Your life goals are different. The sooner you end it, the better you’ll feel.
Two things to share:
This is a fundamental life choice that NEEDS to be aligned for a successful long-term relationship. Full stop.
Secondly, it doesn’t sound like it but, if you are on the fence, my wife’s experience sounds similar to yours. Both of us were unsure teetering on the side of not wanting kids. We left it up to the fates and now have an almost 6 month old. We are obsessed with him and totally happy.
Granted, our son is a gem…sleeps through the night, happy and sweet, the whole deal. But it worked for us.
If you are NOT on the fence, don’t marry someone who wants you to birth their kids. It’s literally the most fundamental deal breaker.
Then don’t get married. It’s clear that you two have different life goals.
Does he actually want children or is he being pressured to have them by family?
He wants to
Be a father. Let him find someone so he can and you find someone who doesn’t
Call it off. This is a fundamental life goal misalignment. There’s no compromise to be had on this topic and it’s GOING to turn into resentment
You should have never gotten into a serious relationship, let alone engaged, when you both knew you had different life goals.
Time for a serious conversation about his willingness/ability to forego having kids and the end the relationship if a compromise can’t be made – no sense in wasting more of each others time.
You need to break things off. He deserves to have the chance with someone else. You aren’t compatible. There’s no way for both of you to be happy.
Don’t get married. You are not compatible.
Don’t get married to this person
It will be heartbreaking, but you should 100% end it. DO NOT have kids unless you absolutely want them, and don’t make him settle for not having kids just to be with you. Ending it now would be showing mercy and love to your future selves.
Yall should have really discussed this before deciding to get married. Reddit won’t help you.
This should be a date 1/2/3 conversation, not a post-engagement conversation. This a fundamental impasse. You should both be able to have the lives that you want with the type and size of family that you want, and it sounds like the only way that can happen is with other people. 🙁
I feel like this should have been seriously discussed before getting engaged. If you don’t want kids, and he does, it’s not going to benefit either of you to stay together.
End it now. You have different goals. This isn’t a goal that can have compromises.
Oh man, you need to end your relationship! This is the one issue you can’t compromise on. If one of you gives in to the other, then yes, that’s laying the groundwork for inevitable resentment.
For both your sakes, end things now.
Stop wasting his time. He wants to be a parent and nothing will fill that void not even you.
Have you tried talking to him?
He’s your fiancé. You accepted his proposal. Why would you if he’s not in the same headspace as you?
How do you get engaged to someone who wants something so drastically different? Your relationship is not going to work out.
You know what to do.
If you have the fortitude to say NO to kids then you have the courage to break it off.
Even if he’s wrecked by your breaking it off, at some point he’ll meet a woman who does and post about how you did him a favor cuz he found the woman right for him.
The end.
Break up.
Please do not have kids you don’t want. Don’t bring little innocents into this world unless you’re fully prepared. Motherhood is painful and lovely at the same time but its not for anyone who isn’t fully invested
Yo, real talk, no one should ever feel pressured into having kids. It’s a lifelong commitment, not a short-term project. Yeah, fam pressure is real, but at the end of the day it’ll be you doing the heavy lifting not them. Have a proper convo about it, if he wants kids and you don’t, you guys may just not be compatible rn. Don’t lose urself just to fill someone else’s life script. You do you. You got this✌️
You just need to break up. This is a non negotiable.
You two have fundamental differences in your future plans.
Its time to reevaluate your relationship
If you don’t want kids and he does, it’s simply not going to work in the long run. If he only wants kids because of pressure from his family he needs to stand up to them and tell them that he is not having children and they have no say or again it will not work in the long run.
Don’t marry him, let him know so he can find a women who wants a family
Sadly you need to end it now and not go through with the marriage. Sincerely talk about it first and be sure of what you don’t want and do want. Resentment will happen in both cases. Either he doesn’t have children and regrets it or you have children and regret it. It wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
You shouldn’t be forced to have children and he shouldn’t be forced not to have them. And children don’t need to be born into an unhappily home. Not that you would mistreat a child but if you don’t want motherhood the child will sense that. Wouldn’t be fair to them either.
Idk if this helps but I’m 28F and my partner also wants kids and I don’t. We’re not engaged but we have been together almost 2 years and live together. I’ve come to the decision that I’ll have to end things because I will not have kids just to please him and I will not let him compromise to not have kids then resent me. It’s tough.
You said he’s expected to have kids. You said he doesn’t push you. You said you’re afraid of his resentment. Do you know what HE thinks about this? None of the things you mentioned actually state how HE feels about never having kids.
Your life goals are incompatible and no matter what he says now he WILL grow to resent you. Don’t waste his time, let him find someone who wants to have a family, you should find someone who feels the same way about kids as you do.
Did you ever discuss this, seriously, and as adults, before you got engaged?
You’re not compatible. Sorry.
Not compatible unfortunately. Won’t work or will be very rocky. Move on.
Stick to your guns and simply say no. It’s your body and mothers do the majority if not all, of the work. If he is expected to have kids, tell him to find someone to do it with, because it simply is not you. Period.
Why are you two getting married again? You aren’t compatible. Move on.
Does he actually want kids though? It doesn’t matter what is expected of him by his family. If he truly does because he wants to be a parent you two are incompatible, and should break up.
Don’t move forward…end it
Don’t waste each other’s time. If you are both firm on this, then it’s a non-negotiable, and you need to move on.
I ended an engagement over this. 8 years later I still don’t regret not having kids.
Why are you two trying to force this? You don’t have to create drama to split, you can split on good terms my admitting you are on different paths.
Time to get un- fiancéd before it’s too late. You don’t even mention if you like this guy in your post. If there ever was any magic, it’s gone now.
Please do not have kids
-daughter of a mother who didn’t want kids
That biggest thing you both gotta agree on.
Everything else you can normally work with but kids put a major strain on relationships and if you decide not to have them he won’t be happy in his life.. and If you do. You won’t be happy.
I’m of the opinion that this is one of those things that no side should give in on. It will only cause resentment. End it now
First, you don’t get married before you sort this out. This sounds like a deal breaker neither of you have come to terms with.
He’s going to make you feel guilty about not having them, and inevitably pressure you into it to make him happy. Then you’ll resent him, the kid and your life. You two are on entirely different pages and I absolutely would NOT marry him.
Are you able to accept the fact that the relationship is incompatible and needs to end? Love is not enough and there is no compromise to this situation. It’s tragic, and I feel for you but the absolute best thing for you and your fiancé is to part ways to be able to live the lives you both want. You both win and that is the ultimate act of love to eachother.
Why on earth would you marry someone that you don’t agree on the biggest decision of your life on? If you are dead set against kids and he for sure wants them, then this is a deal breaker. And please figure this out BEFORE you get married.
Yeah do not get married. This will inevitably cause an irreversible rift & resentment between you two. You will both be wasting years of your lives with someone you are not compatible with.
Deal breaker. Neither one of you is wrong. You just want two different things. I’ve seen too many married couples who disagreed on having kids and it ruins them. You both deserve what you want and you can’t get it with each other. Hard as it is, time to move on. Good luck to both of you.
idk, it doesn’t sound like he actually wants kids either, and it could be that marrying you kind of gives him a scapegoat, so his family can blame you about it instead of him.
And so he doesn’t have to actually interrogate himself about the matter.
(I think A LOT of people get involved in relationship with someone who “won’t let them” do X, partly so they can avoid acknowledging to themselves “I don’t want X either.” Then it’s not a failure of yours that you never got around to… starting that business, having a kid, moving to the city, paragliding, whatever. It’s bc he/she wouldn’t let me!)
Anyway. Tell him he either finds his nuts and tells his family to shut the fuck up and mind their own business, or you walk away from the relationship. You could be looking at another 10-15 years of them beating the drums about producing an heir while he helplessly shrugs in your general direction about it.
He is being really passive and allowing a lot of disrespect from his folks to invade your connection. Either he makes a stand here or you move on.
I’d break it off from now. You don’t have to budge and neither does he.
It amazes me that people can reach this point when this is such a big incompatibility. You can’t compromise on children, you either have a child or you don’t. You need to have a serious talk with your fiance.
Break up?
Maybe the guy thought he could persuade the OP.
Then don’t get married. This is a dealbreaker.
If you are not on the same page regarding children, don’t get married! This is only going to get worse because neither of you are likely to change your mind.
That is like a 3rd or 4th date conversation. How did you guys get that far without considering this?
This will be a huge problem at some point OP.
I understand you don’t want them but I just watched the story about a 60 year old lady that had twins and they’re both about to start college so it can be done.
If you’re hoping he changes his mind out of love and experiences you have together, he’s hoping the same exact thing for the opposite reasons, unfortunately won’t work so best to end it now, if the sex is reaaaaally good set up a FWB thing to help transition back to reality. I still have a girl I dated for 7 years that we ended on good terms when we realized we just wouldn’t work together in that way that I can hit up whenever I’m single and she’s single and we strictly just do FWB
If you don’t want kids and he does want kids, there’s no way to compromise on this. The only fair thing to do is to go your separate ways. It will hurt now but it’ll be a 1000 times worse if you get married and one of you is going to get hurt, one of you is going to be resentful. It won’t end well if you stay together.
I’ve been there. Determined I didn’t want a kid! But, he said he couldn’t be with me if I didn’t. So my dumb ass gave him a son. Hated every minute of pregnancy. Had really bad PPD. But now my son is my world. He’s nine and has gone above and beyond. Unfortunately, my husband left me for our babysitter. I love my son so much it hurts. But if I could go back, I wouldn’t do it again. What are you willing to sacrifice ?
Sis, you aren’t compatible.
Sit him down and give him the gentlest breakup to free him.
There are only two things to do, either you have kids or you find a difference fiance
dont settle
Does he actually want kids or does his family want him to have kids? If it’s the former, you are simply not compatible. Don’t ruin both your lives and separate. If it’s the latter though… Will he be able and willing to stand up to them?
You both want wildly different things. This relationship is not going to work out, i’m sorry.
I love my kids more than anything, but boy is it the worst financial decision you could possibly make and it’s a lifetime commitment. If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids and that’s that.
That’s a deal breaker. You want different lives.
He doesn’t push because he probably expects that you’ll change your mind or he can convince you after marriage. Children are one of the few things you genuinely can not compromise on. One of you will resent the other, and if you don’t change your mind, he’ll likely leave you over family pressure and his own biological drive so that he can have kids with someone who wants them.
Let him go now. You are incompatible.
Oh dont worry about it just go ahead and get married and then make eachother miserable until it collapses into a nightmarish divorce.
You break up is what you do
There’s no compromise to be had here. He wants kids, you don’t. You’re incompatible. Your relationship should never have gotten this far. You need to have an honest conversation with your fiancé.
Why are you with someone who wants kids when you don’t. You aren’t compatible. This isn’t something you compromise on either. You either have kids and you end up resenting him. Or you don’t have kids and he resents you.
You also aren’t running out of time. You still have another decade left to have kids. But don’t have them if you don’t want them.
Break up with him and let him find a woman who wants to have children. Find yourself someone who doesn’t want kids. Neither of you are being fair to yourselves or each other.
Hey (35m), my wife and I tried for kids in our mid to late twenties. We were unsuccessful. Did the infertility process and it just didn’t work for us. Completely defeated when it was all said and done. Wrecked our marriage for a bit.
Flash forward to now. Best thing that could have happened to us. We grew together during the struggles.
We are so grateful now that we don’t have kids. We watch our friends that have with kids just struggle. Divorces, financially crippled, kids with special needs. It is an incredible amount of work. Not having kids was the correct path for us.
He’s gunna have to learn the hard way. Be honest with him and let him go. My wife and I went through a similar thing while we were dating. She wanted kids, I didn’t. She left me and got with a guy who had 2 kids. 2 years later she came back to me and said she’s never having kids, lol.
I mean…. You guys are incompatible.
Move forward as you wish.
either end it now or it will end later
This is a pretty huge thing to be incompatible about and most marriages don’t survive a fundamental difference like this.
There is no compromise; this is a binary stance. It will hurt more the longer you stay together.
Break up now. Take time to heal, then find someone with whom you are more compatible.
What videos? Of trad wives? Influencers?
Bring honest and true is hard and can feel cruel to others but it’s not kind to anyone including you or some kid you make to satisfy someone else’s expectations.
I’m sorry, but your relationship has run it’s course. It’s time to part ways.
Tell him that you will not have kids and you want to settle the discussion before going ahead with the marriage. I don’t see how you can be happily married with such conflicting life goals & considering that being pregnant would be your role.
Don’t marry your fiance. Find someone who will not pressure you to have children.
Walk away this will never work. It will end in kids and divorce. Move on.
Do not get married until you sort it out. He cannot force you to have kids, and don’t have kids if you’re not 100% sure you want them. You might be incompatible.
Yeah I hate advising a breakup but that’s a hell of. A hurdle
Break up…
It’s not gonna work if that doesn’t align. Resentment will happen
This is not a good match. Let him go so that he can find his match.
You do know what to do. Time to let go
Don’t call her your fiancé
It’s over
Think how bad your resentment will be when you’re trapped taking care of a child you never wanted.
Be extra secure with your birth control. Reproductive coercion (tampering with BC) is a real possibility to make you stay with him & is illegal.
Can his sisters not have kids? Or is it about continuing on his family name? Tell him you’ll have kids if they have your surname only. Or to avoid different surnames with the kids, suggest he take your surname when you get married.
QUESTION: Does he want kids? When you’ve talked about this, what does he say about kids?
End it now. It is the honorable thing to do. Why are you even asking? Have the courage of your convictions and free him.
End it now. This should’ve been more discussed before engagement.
this is something that should have been discussed quite early in the relationship, certainly far before becoming engaged.
call off the wedding these are conversations to have before getting married u should of maybe had the convo sooner but you have had it now its different than dating its more what do we each want to want for our life to look like and are we as 2 parrelel lines this is the place where i want to go to ware you goign to the place and will you help me reach that destination
my youngest brother was foolish like this and is now divorced and in much pain and suffering it broke him
dont break this man
either one of you could break it off with the other really but have a open honest convo
if he wants kids and you dont then for him staying with you will mean giving up on that dream.. or else taking a second woman and having his kids with her and keeping you in the picture elsehwere
but really just dont
Not compatible. End the relationship.
You aren’t compatible; you want different things in life! You need to break up sooner rather than later, in a responsible and respectful way, wishing him well in the future.
This one is a deal breaker. You are very very wise not to want kids! (66F who regrets it because of the life-wreckage and physical problems it created.)
Well first of all, don’t marry someone with differing views on kids. It’ll only cause pain later on. I know a few couples who thought the other would change their mind, and when they didn’t there was a lot of hurt there. Two, not that you need to be convinced, but having kids is without a doubt the best thing I’ve ever done.
End the engagement and move on. This is what incompatibility looks like.
Does he want kids? You say he is expected to have kids, but does he want them?
Also – sounds like his family will make your life a living hell if you don’t have kids. probably best to do the hardest thing and break off the engagement.
Here’s the thing. If he actually wants kids, then you guys are incompatible and it’s best to leave now. If he is being pressured by his family or is expected to have kids because THEY want grand children, then he needs to stop that immediately. Having children is not something you do because “My family wants/expects me to have them.”
Did you discuss this before getting engaged? Did you let him know early in your relationship that you never want kids? If so, did he say “thats fine” and now he’s saying he wants them? Sure, he can change his mind.
But many people will pretend to share the same beliefs/ideals as their partner until theyve been with them for a few years. Then they gaslight them saying stuff like “but dont you love me? Kids would be so great!” And they assume since theyve been with you for a while that you’ll have. And sadly, I assume the majority will cave and have a kid just because they dont want to lose the other person. And thats not a reason to stay in a relationship.
So talk to your fiancé. Find out if this is him saying he actually wants kids. That or if its his parents/siblings ideas for you to have a kid and he is just doing what they want so they’ll shut up. But if you truly never want children, and he isnt OK with that, then youre incompatible and I wouldnt marry him. When he becomes your husband, hes gonna double down on it and its harder to get a divorce than to just break up before marriage.
You guys didn’t discuss this before getting engaged??
He’s either going to accept it or move on. He proposed so it sounds like he’s accepted it.
But I highly doubt this will work in your favor if it’s still on your mind, you resenting yourself or feeling guilty or insecure about your decision to not have children and being with some who wants children.
It’s sounding like it’s eating you up more than it is him.
Do not have children because then you’ll just have unhappy children that aren’t treated correctly because you don’t want them just tell him no
I left my ex of 5 years over the having kids’ discussion. I did, she didnt so, see you later. Now, happily married with 2 gremlins.
Girl let him go. Come on. This isn’t some little thing.
You can love someone deeply and still not be the right life partners if your visions for the future don’t match.
Break up
You need to tell him now.
Leave him. To stay would be unfair to your fiance. Don’t want him resenting you because you don’t want kids. You need to find someone who doesn’t want kids, and he needs to find someone that does
I think you are both too immature to get married. Mature adults sort this fundamental issue out well before there is even talk of engagement. There isn’t any basis for a healthy marriage here.
Running out of time?!?! You have over a decade more to go. You should get out of this and get sterilized otherwise you’ll be stuck having this talk with other men and seriously, you have a bunch of fertile years left so best to nip it in the bud now.
Don’t have them. The resentment will be lifelong, and worse yet, you will be burdening innocent children with those resentments. The trauma will beget more trauma.
Your relationship is over. You two aren’t compatible. Kids aren’t something you can negotiate on. You’re either a 1000% certain you want them, or you don’t have them
And at 29 you still have a decade plus of baby making years ahead of you. And there is a good chance he may tamper with your birth control to make sure he gets that child he wants
Break up with him. No matter what happens, one or both of you will be miserable if you get married. He’s hoping you’ll change your mind once your married, or he plans to get you “accidentally” pregnant so he can have his offspring
This is an unresolvable incompatibility. If either of you give in to the other, you will end up resenting them. Him because he never had the kids he wanted, or you because you were forced into being a mother. End it now and let him live his life.
Don’t get married is the answer
It’s tough but it’s truly the answer
There no compromise on kids
DEAL BREAKER- Move on, both of you aren’t meant to be together…kids are a HUGE responsibility and deserve to be WANTED by BOTH parents. You should go online and find a partner that also doesn’t want kids. Problem solved
Get your tubes tied that will stop him from asking. I got a vasectomy at 25 so no woman could try to trap me with a kid and have never regretted it.
If you don’t want kids and he does then you are not compatible and going forward will lead to resentment and anger on both sides.
You need to end the relationship, because if one of you “wins”, the other will resent it.
I didn’t want children. My husband and I agreed to be childfree. His parent’s pressured him. He pressured me. I gave in. It was the wrong decision for me. We divorced before our son was two. Do not let anyone pressure you into having a child. And ignore all those videos you see.
I’m really sorry, but this is not an issue you can compromise on. Both partners have to be absolutely on the same page about whether they want children. My husband and I checked in with each other regularly about it leading up to our wedding, just to make sure we were both still childfree. You need to tell your fiancé that you will never be a parent and end the relationship so you can both move on.
You two are not compatible. End it now
It doesn’t seem you’re compatible. Do not move forward in this relationship.
You should tell him straight out that you never want them, and offer him an easy way out of the relationship. Otherwise, he’ll likely hold it against you.
Just get the tubal.