so i (20f) have been with my boyfriend (31m) for about a year now and ive been finding it hard to be content in my relationship lately. i truly have nothing ill against him, im just starting to get paranoid and and wondering if i truly want this for my future or not so im gonna list some reasons that are causing this breakdown of mine.
so he has 3 kids, and a PSYCHOTIC ex wife. she has caused a lot of issues here and there, by being outright cruel to me with words and to him by forcing shitty circumstances all to get back at him because of me. and at first it was fine i was like whatever ill look past it but its CONSISTENT and is getting soooo fucking hard to just look past seeing as ive literally done nothing to this woman.
and then on the topic of kids, ive always been an anti kid person myself. never have wanted them but i was willing to be okay with it for him because i was super super in love with him so im like yea cool itll work but more and more thinking about it, it just does not align with the life i want for myself. him and i cant go out and do much because he always has to be home for the kids. and the house is always loud and always so goddamn messy. like kids are always gonna make a mess but even my boyfriend is a relatively messy person and i cannot handle being in his house sometimes because it is such a disaster and im a very tidy person, and can get very easily overwhelmed by that stuff.
last major point ill touch on is that he can be pretty overly sexual at times, where i tend to find myself more on the asexual spectrum. and in the beginning he assured me that it was okay and that he understood but now we’ve gone a few weeks without sex because i just have no drive and hes making me feel like a problem and keeps guilting me for it and being like petty about it and its driving me fucking crazy and making me feel even more averted towards sex. he also somehow turns every conversation into a sexual thing and it makes me crazy uncomfortable, and i try to express this to him and he claims he cant help it
so yea the past few weeks ive just been driving myself insane because hes been pushy on how he wants me to move in soon and its been making me think a lot and realize that his life is not what i want for my future. and i honestly think the reason i was so able to look past everything at first was because i was in such a weird and unstable part of my life and i thought that since hes older and has a lot of his life established then i would finally be comfortable. but now im feeling better about myself, my career is taking off and i feel like i would be much better off on my own. it just fucking sucks because he genuinely is my best friend and cares about me more than anyone. we never fight or have big disagreements and emotionally it just works but im not sure how much longer i can handle his lifestyle. so yea im totally fucking lost and dont know what to do so really any advice would be appreciated
tldr; i love my boyfriend but hate his lifestyle, so i don’t know whether so stay and be unhappy or to lose my best friend
Comments
I want to question a couple of things. You say you never fight. Do you ever verbally disagree with him? Because if what you mean is that you handle disagreements calmly and talk them out to come to a resolution that you’re both happy with, that’s awesome. But if you never fight because you’re agreeable and just go with the flow that is not awesome.
Also: “he keeps making me feel like a problem and guilting me for sex” is pretty fucking bad. What happens when he does this? Do you tell him that it makes you feel bad and to stop? And he just… ignores you and does it anyway? Are you too scared to tell him to stop?
I ask because I want you to really think deeply about if this man is truly your best friend.
That aside, if his life is not what you want for yourself you should just let him know and end the relationship kindly.
You actually don’t sound lost at all. You sound like you know exactly what you need to do … you just don’t want to do it because it’s going to hurt.
Well, you don’t skip out on going to the dentist because getting a filling hurts. And you don’t stay in a relationship that you’ve outgrown because breaking up hurts.
You’re not even out of the honeymoon phase. Whatever reservations you have now are going to grow tenfold in the next 6-12 months.
Furthermore, to be blunt, a 31-year-old dating a 20-year old needs to be sensitive to their younger partner’s timeline. The younger partner’s timeline in a big-age-gap-relationship always drives the bus. It doesn’t sound like he really understands that, and that’s a problem.
But also can I point out that this:
>we never fight or have big disagreements and emotionally it just works
is not consistent with this:
>he’s making me feel like a problem and keeps guilting me for it and being like petty about it
Look, I’m sure a bunch of posters are going to see the ages and just viscerally react. I’m going to give him a ton of benefit of the doubt here, but reach the same conclusion: this relationship served a purpose for you. It is no longer working for you. The breakup will hurt because breakups always hurt (even when they’re the right thing to do!) but it’s clearly the best thing for you.
Oh my god girl just dump his ass! You’re too young to be a stepmom, and he’s too old for this dumbass drama he’s causing with his ex wife. You’re not vibing with him and you’re clearly not happy. Do you seriously see a future with this deadbeat?
Don’t sacrifice your future for this. Sometimes people can care about each other a lot and be completely incompatible. This doesn’t even sound like that. There’s a reason a 30 year old with 3 kids and an ex wife chased a 19 year old in the first place, it’s because women his age wouldn’t be fooled into putting up with this shit. He wants you to move in so he has someone to take care of his kids and so he has easy, convenient access to sex (the pressure would absolutely increase if you moved in). Plus it sounds like this “best friend” feeling is one-sided, because your best friend wouldn’t be pressuring you to do shit you don’t want to do. You’re already miserable, just rip the band-aid off and focus on yourself. When you reach his age, you’ll look back at this time and wonder what the fuck you were thinking in the first place.
You’re 20. Don’t want kids. You want to have freedom, tideness, and some space to yourself. That is completely valid and a lifestyle a lot a people, including me, want aswell. Choosing to stay with him is sacrificing your life for his dreams. And to be blunt, if its starting like this only one year in, you’re bound to build resentment towards him, it isn’t going to work. Him breaking these sexual boundaries is a major problem, I understand how from your perspective you may feel guilty for not wanting to have sex, but there are so many people that will be compatible with uou in this way. He is not one of them, do not put pressure on yourself. If he is asking to break your boundaries and acting this way towards you for not keeping them, that is not healthy. If he truly respects you, he wouldn’t feel comfortable breaking that boundary. I think the first step is writing this post, it’s completely healthy to write down all of your thoughts out and then look for advice. I’m telling you right now that your gut knows that yall aren’t compatible. This is not against him or you. While I understand it is hard since yall do not fight and he is a best friend, but long term I find that you are going to regret not speaking up about this. You need to have a conversation with him. Follow your gut feeling, even when it is hard.
You can love somebody but that doesn’t mean that they’re yours forever, they may just be for a season. In reading your post it’s really clear that you just want to break up with him, the only hold back for you is feeling guilty about doing it. Just rip off the Band-Aid and do it. What I have learned about having uncomfortable conversations, is not too blabber and over explain, you just have to be concise and to the point. Maybe lie a little bit so you don’t hurt them more than you need to.
For example: I care about you deeply, and I want to be honest with you because you deserve that. I’m 20, and I’m still figuring out who I am and what I want from life. I’m just starting to find my independence, and I want to explore, travel, and grow on my own for a while. This isn’t about a lack of love—it’s about timing and where I am in my journey. I’m really sorry, and I hope you can understand that this is something I need to do for myself.
Learning to have difficult conversations and make tough choices—especially the ones that are ultimately best for you—isn’t easy. But it’s a vital part of becoming an adult and honoring your own needs.