I (30F) have been with my boyfriend (36M) for almost three years now and we’ve been living together for one and I don’t want to marry him anymore.
He’s gone through some hard things in the last two years, a job loss, both parents having cancer and probably a bout of depression, as anyone would. We talked about getting engaged in November and went ring shopping and I know he has it. But since moving in together, I feel like I’m carrying the weight of the household and that any fun is gone.
The basics of living together have been hard, he’s a feminist in words and beliefs but I have been carrying the mental load of this household, from being the only person who ever puts a dish away to also being the only person to ever stock the fridge. The few times I’ve asked him to step up, I’ve been told I’m nagging.
I realized that he no longer has conversations with me, but talks at me. Frequently for over half an hour at a time without stopping, without asking questions and it feels lonely.
I’m about to carry the financial load as well by out earning him. While that’s fine, he’s an attorney and I’m early on in a marketing career. I’m worried he’s not as driven to make sure we’re financially secure as I am, which is worrisome.
I’ve been married before. I went into that marriage knowing that it would be more of an imbalance and I would be in charge of the home. This time, I’ve been promised something different and it hasn’t been the case.
I know he’s planning on proposing on August 12th. Our lease ends on September 30th and I think I want out.
Comments
Sounds like you have a plan
Sit him down, talk it out and if you can’t find a common ground consider getting out. It’s the proper way to do things. But it feels like there’s plenty you’re not sharing here because of one simple statement you made that raises red flags for me.
He’s an attorney, but you think he isn’t earning enough? Wow, just wow. Definitely something missing here.
This change in relationship dynamics and the unequal distribution of contribution to the household and carrying the mental load are all super common once moving in together. Even from “the enlightened” ones. No wonder more and more women are opting out of marriage. At least you know now – before the engagement, before the wedding. You’re just going to have to be honest. You will feel a huge weight off your shoulders once you’re living alone again.
I mean it sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and worked out a plan. Good luck.
You are wise. Time to stop playing the doormat and get your life back.
I’m glad you saw it before you guys got married. A lot of women don’t see it until they’re 2 kids in and they’re a married single mother.
You’re making the right decision. It doesn’t get any better.
You should tell him then be done. Sounds like that’s what’s best
I hope you don’t marry this guy. For both your sakes
There are men out there who cook and do their fair share. Don’t settle for being his mom.
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. Now you know this isn’t the relationship for you.
At first with you saying that both of his parents ended up getting cancer I was on his side and then I read that you feel lonely and talked at my viewpoint completely changed. The reason why I mentioned this is because my stepfather ended up passing away a month ago and for that full year he had cancer I was a mess but I can tell you one thing I never took my frustrations out on anybody and I also tried to help out as much as I could, even during those times that I was severely depressed. If he is giving you pushback, and you do not feel respected it is time to leave the relationship.
Follow your gut— it’s warning you. Make a clean break and start anew. You’re young still, many great things await you— good luck!
What is happening to you happens much more than probably anyone imagines. Living together is a real eye-opener. With men who weren’t taught to be partners in the home. Maybe their moms did everything and or didn’t show them how to contribute to the load women take on.
I had many married friends whose major complaint, sometimes the only complaint, was their husbands did not help domestically. They both had full-time jobs but she had to buy the groceries, prep, cook, take care of the dishes, do the laundry, housekeeping etc etc. It’s not surprising that he hasn’t carried his weight and you are turned off. It kind of takes away liking him.
Which is very very important. When you’re in love if you don’t like them, that chips away at that. I think you kind of end up maybe Still Loving them, but that’s like a brother?
Go.
Sounds sensible.
One of the things my mom always told me is never settle for anything and you always accept the love you think you deserve. I’m currently engaged to a man who has built a home with me and my two children that aren’t biologically his. One of my kids is severely disabled and I can’t even tell you how many times he’s slept on the horrible hospital couches with me when crap hit the fan. there’s a difference to me when you actually have someone who’s a partner because there are times when you lean on one more than the other and times when it’s equal but there’s got to be conversations. Communications is KEY.
This imbalance probably won’t change. Sorry.
Time to act accordingly.
RUN girl RUN! Thank your lucky stars you are not married! If he’s like that now, it will only get worst from here! Move out as soon as you can even if it means paying your portion of the rent until the lease end. You just saved yourself the financial burden and emotional toll of a divorce!
Don’t marry him. A lot of women especially think things will change after they get married. It won’t. If you unhappy now you’ll be unhappy then.
Please tell him before he proposes.
You must have seen something good in him that you lasted this long but I know some people drag these things out. Common courtesy is saying to have one final try at a conversation, list all your grievances and come to an understanding.
But I don’t know this guy. Are you safe with him? Should you have a back up plan if things turn tense? Do you need your stuff packed and ready before having this conversation? Do you need a third person waiting for a rescue? Do you need to tell your shared friends and acquaintances so you can get the story straight before he changes it? Those are the things you should consider.
Proud of you, OP. Please don’t back track on this. You owe yourself to make a clean break and move forward. I wish more people had the self worth you are demonstrating. Good luck.