I’m a Muslim Pakistani guy. I’m quite religious. I don’t club, pre-martial relationship, don’t drink, fast etc. I try to be a good guy.
I’m worried because I’m getting older and I’m not keen on the girls within my religion or culture.
In my community, especially in the UK, all of the other guys are degenerate. They drink, do balloons while driving, terrorise people, race each other etc.
And almost all the girls idolise them for it. They love it. I don’t want to be like that to attract a wife and I don’t want a wife who will see these qualities as attractive.
I want to marry outside my culture/religion.
I don’t want to generalise. I know it’s wrong. But a lot of the women especially desi have zero zero emotional maturity or awareness. I hate to generalise, but they’re not very nice.
They’re not very nice people. In our religion and culture, it’s very much they’re not kind. It’s like they lack manners and Tact. I think tact is the best word for it.
I don’t know how to explain it.
I know I’m generalising and this is all over the place but I’m struggling to articulate myself. I know “not all” are like this but honestly majority are.
For example, in class I remember a person’s mum had died. And all the girls were annoyed that they mentioned this explaining how men shouldn’t talk about their problems and how they don’t know what to say. And that they don’t really cares
It’s also like they don’t have a filter as well. They just say the first thing that comes to their mind, no matter how offensive or rude it is.
I grew up in all white area
At work there’s non-Muslim girls who are so lovely, I remember I was sick and one of them kept checking up on me. It was so sweet. Or others get me drinks when I’m working. Like they’re just nicer people. And they know what to say in the right circumstance.
Or more emotionally intelligent people. I just want to broaden my options.
I’m worried my family won’t let me or approve of me marrying a non-Muslim
Comments
Change your climate equals change your culture.
There are so many options if you are willing to travel.
Desi girls = you like them cus you’re overly familiar with them.
White girls = you like them cus you’re not actually as familiar with them as you might think
I’m not desi, Muslim ect. But that’s what I’m gathering
you should explain to your family how you feel; but maybe dont even worry about that until youve found the girl you want to marry. For now keep your options open to all races and cultures; including your own. You never know; you may end up finding the right girl for you who is also muslim or willing to convert and then you wont have to even have that discussion. But if you do; you only have one life to live as you. we all want to appease our parents/ loved ones; but they arent the ones who have to live with our choices.
I can’t speak to this in any way, but just remember this: in an ideal world, you’ll spend more time in a given week with your wife than your parents, and your wife will outlive your parents. Don’t sacrifice having a life you want for people that won’t be as big a part of it and won’t even be there the whole time.
That said, you’re obviously generalizing (good on you for admitting it), so me ask you this: if a desi girl out there didn’t have all of these problems you point out, and you liked them, would you give it a shot? Because if the answer isn’t yes, you need to unpack why that is
A non-Muslim girl is not likely to want to marry a quite religious Muslim guy. If she is herself quite religious, she will want to marry someone from her own religion. If she is not religious, she is probably going to worry about you wanting to cover herself, the parts of the Quran that say you can beat her, etc.
It’s normal to be attracted to the people you grew up around. If you’re into white girls, why not an Eastern European Muslim? I just think, since you describe yourself as quite religious, you will probably be happiest with someone who shares your beliefs.
Or is the struggle here that you’re questioning how religious you actually are?
Hey its your life. Only you can live it. Letting others control and tell you how is only going to make you resent your decisions later. I cant pretend to know the pressure your family and culture have on you because im from the U.S. but I can tell you that you need to decide for yourself what makes you happy. If you want to date a white girl, go for it. You only live once, and life is hard enough on its own, you dont need to let others make it more difficult for you.
Isn’t that a sin
Try a nice Jewish girl
So dont.
The ONLY life that is a fact is this one… Live it on your terms.
Op the kind of girl you want to marry exists. I’ve seen her at both my undergraduate and graduate programs (biology/ medical). You haven’t seen her because she either studying at home or just out to fun restaurants with her girlfriends not making her appearance loud/ large.
Other than apps like hinge, tinder, etc. see if there is a Muslim/ Pakistani dating app that connects like minded people.
If that fails come to the USA. As 3 of my Pakistani Muslim preceptors (all medical doctors) say “poor Pakistanis go to UK, successful Pakistani’s go the the USA”. No im not making this up they all said that.
Tell your family Allah guided you to do something different. I have friends who did so. They have very good marriages. Their children are encouraged to find their way. Both parents give the guidance but do not force them. They are more well adjusted than most.
Pakistani women here, lot of the things you said above aren’t the norm, but such women do exists whether they be brown, white, black, purple, yellow etc. Ykwim.
If you dont want to marry someone within your own culture/ religion, yk marrying outside caste/culture/ religion isn’t prohibited, specially for men. I get that maybe you’re parents or society might have a say but who cares? It’s your life man.
Muslim men don’t even have to involve their parents in the whole process, I’d suggest you do what you gotta do and maybe stop portraying brown/muslim women like that? Idk where you met such evil women but speaking on my behalf we ain’t that evil or inconsiderate 😭
I will likely say something that most people will disagree with.
I am probably much older than you – I have been happily married for 2 decades. I am Christian. My comment is this: it’s much easier to marry someone who has similar religion and culture. Not saying it is impossible, but you have to ask yourself how much you are willing to compromise.
I’ve seen friends marry across religions and unless you are not devout (which it sounds like you are), you will want to raise your children a certain way. Would your non-Muslim wife allow you to take your kids to mosque? To raise them knowing the Koran? Would your kids be allowed to eat pork? What about going eating with your in-laws (who likely eat pork) even if you find a wife who will oblige and not eat pork? How would family visits work? What happens if they babysit your kids? Also, your parents will likely have certain expectations of how your wife should act or would be willing to do (eg, as they age, do you take care of them, how you act during religious holidays, etc). I’m sure there are many more situations that would come up and I’m just listing a few for you.
I know couples in inter-faith marriages (eg, Christian-Muslim, christian-atheist), etc) that have been married for longer than me but those couples are not very devout. They don’t mind compromising on many things. Nobody pushes their kids to believe one thing or the other. If you are not very devout and you find someone else who is not devout on whatever they believe, then it could work with a lot of compromising.
As for culture, same commentary applies. I have friends (Chinese-French) who are on the verge of divorce because the way they were raised is now impacting their expectations of how people function. The Chinese wife is much more collective minded in her expectations of her husband whereas the French husband really values his independence.
I’m of the mindset that you will be choosing someone for the rest of your life – that’s a very long time. Ultimately, you have to decide how much you would be willing to be flexible and compromise with your values, and way of life. So before you worry about what your parents think, really think about how much you value certain things and what you’d be willing to compromise. It’s easy to be friends across religions and cultures…but friendship is low stakes. Nobody is raising a child together.
Just live your own life. Your parents don’t have to sleep in your bed. Marry or don’t marry whoever you want.
You can’t have your cake and eat it.
Your happiness is what’s important, not you being what’s your parents want you to be. You are a man now, and if you want to fall in love with a woman who is in love with you as well then that’s what you should do. Good luck!
I still don’t understand why exactly. I read all the way through for that and all I’m getting is that they’re nicer, which, as you said yourself, is quite the generalization. What makes them nicer to you if you don’t share fundamental views about life, death, the world, and everything else important? Changing someone to fit you isn’t going to work and while conservative or religious women are still out there, don’t you see yourself clashing a few months or years down the line when your fundamentally different views on existence have infiltrated every part of your relationship? Im not saying that your religion or culture is your only option but from some of your responses it does feel like you need to reevaluate your beliefs and inclinations.
I would worry about finding a girl first then worry about your parents