This morning I walked over to a scene of a coworker unconscious, blueish purple, seemingly gasping, two other workers with them and my manager setting up for compressions. It was around 15-20 minutes until ems arrived and another 15-20 before he was stable enough to move.
Once I woke up, found news he had passed away.
The whole time, I was more noting everybody elses reactions, conversations, ect. I felt some amount of adrenaline or anxiety (maybe both) but nothing crazy, honestly it’s barely worth noting.
The only thing that is running through my head is relief for him. My read on this person was he just tired, struggling, and seemed kinda done for a while. This idea is based purely on fairly small interactions I’ve had with this person. Primarily just a read/vibe of him.
I guess I’m happy for him to be done with any suffering he may have been going through.
This also feels, weird/wrong in a way. Normally I’d be at least a bit emotional, worried about my other coworkers who were close to him, his family, ect. On top of recognizing walking over and seeing that I figure would be at least a bit traumatizing.
More or less I’m looking for some outside perspective. Everything is greatly appreciated.
Comments
Seeing death and experiencing grief is always different, people go through different timelines and emotions. And not only does it vary person to person but it varies from experience to experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve or process death. Let yourself feel whatever you’re feeling without shame, and just walk with it. Death is tricky because we do feel relief for people who have been struggling, then feel guilty that you don’t feel “sad enough”. Truth is, you can feel both, or neither. You watched a scary event, and it may just take time for your brain and spirit to catch up.
My friend is similar to you. Through her experiences with death she’s usually pretty alert, and helping those who are experiencing grief in an initially emotional way. She eventually processes weeks/months down the line. Nothing wrong with it. Be kind to yourself. Sending you love
You may be in shock. It hasn’t even been 24 hours. Talk to someone if you need to – friend, family member, anyone if it starts to feel too heavy. If you continue to feel nothing, that’s okay too. Death is a part of life. We all have to go one day.
seems like you’re in shock, it’ll probably reside a little more in a few days. if you are someone who has witnessed death before/often, it may not reside at all. I’m assuming not, so I want to let you know that you probably won’t be traumatized as much as you may expect. I think a lot of people would be traumatized from this situation, but that doesn’t mean you have to be.
You didn’t freeze, you adapted. While others fell into visible emotion or action, you stayed present processed what you could, and noticed the weight in the room, even if didn’t crush you right away
Apathy is a normal reaction to high stress / shock situations. Ask for support, your managers should provide a mental health worker to everyone involved.
Shock or you are a sociopath. Hahaha
Our gut reaction is quite powerful. You hardly knew this person yet you could sense this is a relief for him. Hang onto that. Everyone’s fate is predetermined imo.
I’m sorry you had to witness it though – I can’t imagine how traumatic that would be. Perhaps for a reason as well. Some powerful lessons will come from this.
May he RIP.
I loved my cousin dearly. She was 78 when she died. I was not there and I haven’t seen her for years. I didn’t feel badly. I heard that she was so ill, she even texted me that she was in such bad pain that she was ready to die. People at her bedside said she was singing. Needless to say she was a very deep Christian. I am surprised I didn’t feel sadness. I also know she looked forward to death. I have scolded myself several times.
Since you weren’t emotionally attached to this person your brain processed the situation in a logical way – you understand that death is inevitable and you focused on the fact that he went quickly and without the prolonged suffering or worrying that many have to endure for years before they die. Different than most reactions? Yes. Wrong? No. If you were a psycho you would have been hoping that he would die the whole time .
I think you have signs of shock. Expect it to hit you at some point.
I’m sorry everyone went through this.
I would give yourself time to process this honestly. This is a clear case of shock.. seeing someone die can be gut wrenching. Give yourself grace (: