I (f27)have had a very terrible and traumatic childhood which has taken years of therapy to work through. The most recent thing I had to realize was my dad (M57) sexualizing me and raping me once as a child. He always kissed my neck or check me out constantly. He has done insanely abusive things to me but the worst to admit was the sexualization. I was very close to my mom (F56) for a long time. I realized after I told her of what my dad did she doesn’t believe me and she won’t leave him for financial restrictions. She’s disabled and very poor. I realized after saying this nobody believed me in my family and I had to disown them. It hurt so much. I miss my mom so much but I realize I was her “parent” instead of her child. I miss her so much and I am having a hard time dealing with not having my family, even when they are abusive. How do I cope?
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You cope by realizing that you are not missing your parents. You are missing the “idealization of your parents”, the parents you wanted, not the parents you got.
Grieve those parents, and move out into the world, where you will find other nurturing people to replace the ones you walked away from.
When the family you were born into is toxic, and you need to leave them for your own physical/mental health, you make your own family. Find friends, mentors, etc., who fill the void and bring out the best in you. Create what you wish you had growing up. People who care about you, support you, people you can care about, etc. Look for them in the community around you. They’re there if you look.
My FIL lived out of state, and several neighbors became his second family. They would have meals at his place, go on trips together, spend time playing games, etc. When he passed, they all had kind words about him. He was going to be very missed by them.
It’s hard to let go of the family you once knew, but I get that you’re not just missing them, you’re missing who they could have been. That pain is real… but there’s strength in realizing that healing starts when you stop carrying their weight alone. You’re not stuck here, and you’ll find people who’ll help you stand taller.
Starting with some very consistent therapy would be a great start! The next thing I’m suggesting is a little silly but it was crucial in my healing journey regarding trauma.
I would spend some time working on your inner child. Think about the things that brought you a sense of joy and safety as a kid. Buy a coloring book, get a silly craft, play a video game that brings you nostalgia, watch the tv shows that you used to escape it all.
There’s something very healing about honoring your inner child and allowing yourself to be silly or carefree. By the sounds of it, you didn’t get to be a child for very long. This can help you almost go back and talk to that younger version of yourself and offer her the safety and love she never got
In the moment, grieve. Cry and let your self be upset. Keep up the therapy. For future growth, find new people. Join an activity you love and meet new friends through this. Gently ramp up the closeness by inviting them out to do things outside of the activity, invite them for dinner at your place, invite them to movie nights, et cetera. Plan a friendsgiving. It’s important to have people who love you, and once you have friends that do you can see that what you had with your parents doesn’t compare. Maybe be a pen pal with a senior in your community who is also lonely?
OP, I hear you, your childhood trauma’s a fucking nightmare and disowning your family was a bold move. Healing ain’t easy but you’ve already shown incredible strength in acknowledging the abuse and cutting ties… that takes guts.
Remember to be kind to yourself because grief over lost illusions is natural. But focus on building healthy relationships now, whether with a therapist, online support groups or just plain ol’ decent human beings like us who get it. You’re an inspiration OP, your resilience in the face of such evil will empower those who hear your story.
You’ve survived the hardest part by recognizing truth and stepping away from danger… now trust that you can rebuild a life filled with love, safety and purpose. Just remember to take things one day at a time because growth ain’t linear.
Sadly some things hasn’t much of a solution around it. You did what you could do and what you had to do. Now it’s more about time and healing, processing and so on. Soon enough you will have a family of your own and nothing else will matter. And before that a partner if you want, and the love, lojalitet and safety will make you enjoy that part of life. Until then, you wake up everyday and putting one foot a head of the other, and try to do a bit better then the day before. When you start taking care of yourself you will also start to feel much better. Like eating enough in a day, water and vitamins and so on. The body will leave panic and stress overload.
So be kind to yourself.
We are many who have low contact to no contact with our parents and maybe siblings too. Maybe not for the same reason, but for our own mental health sake. And life is great. It’s just some damn har works behind it, and doing what’s needed every week to keep control of our health. In my case it means cardio every other day. No anxiety and no issues around ocd or adhd, and much better sleep.
Took long enough to realize what was needed for those parts, but yeah, I did at some point at least.
Family? My wife’s side is more family then my family. And we have kids as well.
Not one day do I regret doing what needed to be done, even if it was hell for a while, and a loss that takes time to recover from.