I really need some outside perspective because I’ve been sitting with this for a while now, and the longer I ignore it, the worse it feels. Due to the nature of this I don’t feel comfort speaking to my family or friends as I don’t wish to skew their opinions on him.
I (18F) am Asian, and my boyfriend (21M) is White. We’ve been dating for just over a year, and while our relationship started off feeling really sweet and exciting, I’ve slowly come to suspect that he might be fetishizing me for my race.
At first, I didn’t think too much of it. He would make comments like, “You’re my cute little Asian girlfriend,” or mention how he’d always wanted to date an Asian girl. I kind of brushed it off as a compliment and even found it flattering sometimes. I even leaned into it sometimes as once or twice I dressed up a certain way for themed parties or joked along with him about anime tropes, and I worry I may have encouraged it a little.
Over the past few months, the comments have gotten a lot more intense and some have felt borderline fetishy or even racist. He’ll say things like asking me to dress as his favourite anime characters as a “joke” or tell me I’m “better than white girls” because “Asian girls are naturally more submissive.” That one hit hard. Sometimes he tries to speak to me in Japanese or Korean (I’m not from either culture) and calls me pet names from anime or K-dramas, even after I’ve asked him not to. He also constantly brings up how I don’t fit certain Asian stereotypes, like being surprised that I don’t like K-pop or bubble tea.
The worst part is that every time I bring it up, he’ll apologize, say he didn’t mean to make me feel that way, and things will get better for a little while. But eventually he just always slips back into the behavior. It’s like he can’t help himself, and I’m starting to wonder if he’s more attracted to the idea of dating an “Asian girl” than to me as a full person.
I feel kind of gross even typing this, and part of me feels guilty, like maybe I accidentally encouraged some of it early on by not speaking up sooner or playing along here and there.
I realise I may be over reacting. I have a complicated relationship with my identity and heritage and am aware I can be touchy about it. He really is perfect besides this, he’s so kind and handsome and lovely and I wonder if I’m just looking for something to be off?
Would really appreciate any advice or thoughts on this.
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“Asian girls are naturally more submissive” k.o. Throw the man out stat.
I’m just here hoping all this is fake. If not, his fetish is… blindingly obvious.
So you started dating at 20 and 17? Interesting. Could be illegal in some places.
He can apologize constantly for what he said but that doesn’t change how he feels. Based on what you’ve cited here it absolutely sounds like he’s fetishizing you. Plus not even your own culture of ancestry but rather as some amalgam of all cool things that happen to be from various Asian cultures. If you’re already someone who’s struggling to come to peace with being in a minority ethnic group, if that’s the case where you live, it’s probably not helpful to be dating someone who sees you as some catchall for all things from the eastern hemisphere. Being handsome shouldn’t make up for being this culturally obtuse.
Well, what would happen if everyone here said that you’re just taking it too seriously.
Will you then feel comfortable when he makes these remarks?
You know the answer to the question already; and now would be the time to show him how no race is a monolith and you aren’t as submissive as he thinks.
Get you someone that says things like “I love how your brain works” or “you always make me laugh!”
That’s what a partner should find in you: you. Not the vessel in which you are found.
Good luck 🍀
> he’s so kind
Except for the part where he repeatedly others you and can’t be bothered to care enough about your feelings to quit doing it once and for all.
> and handsome
Not mutually exclusive with being an asshole, unfortunately.
> and lovely
See the response to “kind.” There are so many men out there you could be dating. Do you really want to tie yourself in knots trying to excuse this one deciding that you humoring him one time was all the permission he needed to treat you as some generically “Asian” submissive waifu?
Usually people bring up fetishizing at the beginning of the relationship, as fear that someone is more attracted to the fetish than the person. You’ve been together for over a year. It seems like there is more attraction than simply based on race. That said, maybe this boyfriend can stop making corny jokes and comments that involve race, though I doubt it as it seems a predilection for him. So you better get used to it or bounce.
“Naturally more submissive…” and you started dating him as a minor? Babe, your icky feeling is a correct one. Always listen to your intuition. He shouldnt make any comments at all regarding your race. The pet names really made me frown. Im sorry youve been so disrespected 🙁 there are other loving handsome men out there who will not fetishize your race, let alone make it a topic. Hugs
whatever his motives are… he is really stupid to say them aloud
You need to think about this yourself, as well as you both need to have a talk about it.
If he is a good boyfriend to you, then he likes you. The way you look is certainly part of that. But, I think that’s true for the most of us.
He has let you know he enjoys this, but he also is able to apologize when you’ve felt uncomfortable. That’s a green flag.
On your side: are you open to this being part of, maybe, a private play between you too? Maybe inside the bedroom? When you both are alone? Maybe in public, but in subtle ways? May this be a way to rediscover, reconquer, and maybe explore your complicated relationship with your identity and heritage? Maybe this can be healing experience, and he can help you on this?
Since this is not an easy topic, I’d say you can’t just swing it and improvise. You would need a deep talk about desire, identity, and boundaries. And maybe talks in the future to check how this is going.
Good luck!
Euuuugh, also feels disrespectful and racist that hes speaking to you in Japanese/Korean when youre neither.
Girl leave him, he really doesnt sound that great and you are literally so young, this is NOT the time to be settling