Like the title states, I am interested in changing my career plan but don’t know how to bring it up with my parents. Let me give you some facts because a back story is necessary.
– currently, I’m 19 pursuing a medical laboratory science, pre-med degree.
– I told my parents a long time ago that I thought being a doctor would be fun. i did well in high school. Always got straight A’s, and took the hardest classes. I did a dual credit program and ended up graduating high school with 2 associate’s degrees. I was in like every club, president of two of them, the last part of my senior year I was working full time. This kid right here was miserable. She hated her life. Honestly didn’t see herself making it to an age where she would even accomplish being a doctor so what was the empty claim?
– My mother is quite controlling. Everything is always her way or the highway. She feels she knows what’s best. You can’t have adult conversations with her. You can’t change her mind. She wants to tell you what to do every step of the way but when it fails, she’ll claim it was your choice. She has quite a bit of emotional trauma from childhood. Grew up poor. Didn’t get to pursue the life she wanted to. She got married when she was 18 and divorced 11 years later. Had me when she was 42, and claimed she never wanted children. She has several different degrees and credits she doesn’t use and has had 4 different jobs in the past 10 years. My dad is easygoing but quiet. He graduated with a biochemistry degree and has worked in the same company since he was 20-something.
-With being an over achieving student, I went into medical laboratory science (she chose this degree) with a pre-med concentration. My mom chose my degree and where i went to school. I have quite a few credits to my name but am debating my career options. The girl who wanted to be a doctor didn’t know the stress that it would bring on. I am miserable. I make good grades but it takes a lot of effort to do so. I currently have endless anxiety, panic attacks, and difficulty with rumination, my periods are late every single month, and I’m losing weight and I’m not trying to do so. I can’t sit still, think straight, or enjoy a simple day without the looming fear of an exam, what’s to come, or the wrath of my mother. If I don’t make a good grade on something, the first thing I am worried about is her, not my future.
– About a month ago, I brought up the idea with a PowerPoint of me becoming a PA. A slightly different route with less schooling, a little less stressful with a career plan I thought I would enjoy. She lost her ever-loving mind. She told me I was grasping at straws, I was lazy, and that I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I had left the house the next evening and received some rather filthy text messages of her deciding she wanted to
-cut off my phone and car insurance (empty claims but still hurt nonetheless),
-She was no longer going to talk to me,
-I didn’t want to work anymore and was lazy
-Everyone was going to enjoy watching me fail
– She was no longer going to support me as I was making a stupid mistake. She has handed everything to me and I’m throwing it away. She didn’t get this life and I am spoiled.
This was over the possibility of changing. I hadn’t changed anything, just brought up the idea.
During her screaming fit, she had brought up the plan of becoming a nurse practitioner. This would involve an ADN, BSN, to NP pathway through a community college and then branching program. I liked this idea, expressed that.
Now we’re a month later, and she has completely flipped a 180. Won’t mention her fit. Never provided an apology. Just acts all nice as if nothing happened. But she is still carrying on a conversation as if I am continuing my career plan but I still need to discuss, since we never came to a consensus, that I am no longer happy in what I am doing and cannot live this way. Any help?
Comments
REMINDER: Rules regarding civility and respect are enforced on this subreddit. Hurtful, cruel, rude, disrespectful, or “trolling” comments will be removed (along with any replies to these comments) and the offending party may be banned, at the mods’ discretion, without warning. All commenters should be trying to help and any help should be given in good faith, as if you were the OP’s parent. Also, please keep in mind that requesting or offering private contact (DM, PM, etc) is absolutely not allowed for any reason at all, no exceptions.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
First, I’m gonna suggest you quickly read the book the myth of normal by Gabor Mate to understand the cycle of her generational trauma, and how to stop it with you. Second of all, I suggest you figure out a way to get financially independent of her and set some extremely strong boundaries, including blocking her calls and start living your own life because you only get one and it’s not your job to fulfill her loss, life or address or generational trauma. All that seems impossible at 19 I understand, but there is no way you can live your life based on the agenda of other people as you’re finding out and especially pursuing such careers that requires such personal conviction and commitment. Take a break from her in some capacity for about five years and I strongly suggest you get therapy and then block her which again I know sounds extreme, but there’s no halfway with people like this and you will make yourself miserable trying to satisfy her. And it is totally normal if she responds really extreme because she’s not used to you setting any boundaries and whatever age you are as a daughter that is never going to get easy so you might as well start now.
She sounds like a lovely person š. Geez. Iām sorry that youāre experiencing this madness.
If you hate the career path youāre on, and itās causing all of these mental health issues, thatās a solid indication itās time to make a change. Which I think you already know. Can you just switch things up via your academic advisor vs through your mom? Is she paying for school? If switching things up means she cuts you off, would you be okay? Even if it means cutting back on school and working to pay as you goā¦
Can dad help? Are you able to move in with him or allow him to be primary parent?
And I’m the person who commented before, but I have two adult nieces with a mother like this and the part about acting like nothing’s happened is called cognitive dissonance, and it’s how people like her survive and destroy other people in the process. My nieces are 40 and neither one of them speak to their mother. I know this sounds really extreme but you must start setting some boundaries.
Your legally adulting now ,do what you want..
Is this a SE Asian thing because it certainly sounds like it?
Your mom is abusive. You need to set boundaries for yourself. That means doing whatever you can to be independent of her so she can’t treat you like this anymore. Do not tell her. Carry on and study what you’re going to study. Move to your college. Start working. Live your life without feeding into her abuse and not giving her attention. It’s very difficult but it is possible. I’ve done it myself and I’m not contact for over 10 years. You cannot force someone to accept you. You cannot change someone into being who you need them to be. You can only manage yourself.
So far, you’ve been told to cut her off. At 19, and still attached at the purse strings, that’s very difficult. So, here’s my real-world, not at all shielded by the anonymity of the internet, view of your options.
If she’s not actually looking at your grades, lie. Take the classes you need. However, this isn’t a good long-term solution. She’ll find out eventually.
Next, leverage your dad. Explain to him that you’re going to need him to be the mediator. It’s time he shoulder some of the parenting load.
3rd idea is to approach mom with a different attitude. This will mean creatively spinning your viewpoint, but it stands a chance of working. Here’s the play. Tell her that you envy her for having multiple degrees. You enjoy the learning process, and you want to do that as well. Tell her that you’d like to start with your NP degree, knowing that this will only be a stepping stone toward your MD. You want to get out and work while continuing, and this will allow you to get the best experience, as well prep you for your next educational endeavor. Lay it on a little thick. Tell her you’re also thinking about a pharmacy degree as well. MD with better pharmacy knowledge are more employable, and better at their job.
Now, be careful. You may even start believing your own BS. Keep your eye on the prize. That prize is the degree you want, financial help getting to it, and the ability to make your own living shortly after. Once you get that NP, get that job. Tell her you’re just going to work a semester before jumping into med school. And… never go back.
At your age, you do not need to discuss it with your mother. What you should be doing is going to the school counselor for career counseling and to the school Mental Health Center for mental health counseling. You don’t need her permission to change your major. You don’t even have to tell her that you changed your major because it’s none of her business. These are boundaries you can set without even saying anything because it’s none of her business who you’re talking to at school or what your major is or what mental health care you are getting. You can play her game she’s being nice and pretending nothing happened you can be nice and pretend that nothing is happening you’re just going to your classes and you’re not going to talk to her about your homework or what your assignments are or any of that stuff. It’s private. Maybe you could privately talk to your dad unless he’ll pass on the information to her. You could find out about how he enjoys his career. PA is a great job. Being a biologist is a great job. You don’t have to be a doctor to be successful and to be a happy person who’s financially solvent.
Can you switch to an adjacent program that helps towards the PA but also would qualify for pre-med. Meaning you spin this more as a program that would give you job options and work experience towards the mythical medical degree and then just whoops guess I am going to be a PA once it is done? Otherwise you need to bite the bullet, figure out how to get loans for what you want and stop taking parental financial support so you can cut her off.
Can you talk with your Dad and ask
him how you should handle this? Does she have to know what classes you are taking? Or just tell Mom what she wants to hear? Yes, I want to be a Dr., but I want to bean NP first so I can get right out there and work under a physician so I get out there pronto.
I moved out at 18 because mom and I didn’t see eye to eye. I struggled a lit. I went without food a lot. I made it though. I lived my life on my terms and I ended up making more than if I had completed college. I’m sorry that I don’t have good advice for you other that to just do what YOU want. You’re an adult. You can do that now but just think through all options. If the NP path appeals to you then bring that up again and see what happens. All I know is that we get one life. I’ve nearly died multiple times (hooray for good neurosurgeons) and I’m only 45! My husband and I are about to embark on a tour of the US so i can see the remaining states I haven’t visited yet. I’m checking everything off my bucket list now in case I’m not so lucky next time my genetic mutation tries to kill me. Whatever you decide to do I wish you all the best. You seem like a really smart kid. I’m sure you’ll make the right choice.
I would try to slow things down a bit and create a little space for yourself to think and breathe. You’re likely suffering from burnout.
Can you reduce your course load and spin it in a way that would be amenable to your mom? Lie to her about how many classes you’re taking? Register for 5 classes, drop the most intimidating classes, and get down to 12 credit hours, right before the deadline? Reduce any other obligations that you might currently have? Find a study abroad program that would help create some space away from your mother?
This space might help you develop your real plan for what to do next, without cutting the cord abruptly on your financial support. Let’s face it, money is real.
The reality is that you have a lot of options available to you, but evaluating them properly under the amount of emotional pressure you are experiencing will be extremely difficult.
If you can think of some way to lighten your load, so that you can chart your own course, that might make all the difference. Trust your future, not-overwhelmed self to pick your next best option.
I have a mother who applies tremendous emotional pressure in routine interactions. Overcoming that is not an easy or quick thing. So sorry you’re going through this.
Donāt ask permission, ask for forgiveness!
I donāt know if it will help but the best medical professional Iāve ever talked to was a PA. I said she was the smartest endocrinologist Iād ever talked to and asked her why she wasnāt a doctor.
She said she had 5 years less school. Less medical debt. None of the residency bullshit the doctors went through and only makes 10k a year less and she goes home at 5:30 every night and never works weekends.
I told her that just solidified in my mind sheās the smartest endocrinologist Od ever met.
Point out that others in the medical profession are saying itās almost the same money, Bette reworking conditions and hundreds of thousands less in student loans AND you can start earning a good living years earlier. That doctors are saying with the h1b visa stuff going on in med school and the rules about how many doctors get to graduate into specialties that make money every year are changing and arbitrary (you know how they decide how many people get to be cardiologists every year? They figure out how many new doctors can enter without dropping current doctors salaries, so some years no one gets to do it and some years every C student gets to), it just makes a lot more sense to be a PA, save up money, and then pay for medical school in cash.
Notice I didnāt say donāt become a doctor. You have about 5-6 years after PA school where getting the experience makes you really attractive to med schools (after 10 years youāre less attractive as an applicant because youāre set in your ways and doctors and paās do have different roles and focuses).
It also lets you try out specialties before a med school residency.
If you sell it as āThis is gonna be a much better and more affordable way for me to become a doctor and will REALLY polish up my application so I can get into better schools and I might be able to go debt freeā thatās a different sell then āO want to live my own life.ā
But once you have e your own money? You can live your own life and do what you want and thereās shit she can do.