My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now and he’s the love of my life.
He was just at the beginning of his career when we first started dating. He’s an open book and that’s partly why I fell in love with him. He’s told me about calls he’s responded to that left him shaken up but never anything like this.
A couple weeks ago, he came home, barely said 2 words to me, wouldn’t eat when I offered and just took a shower. I was confused but he just got done with a long shift and told myself not to pry.
When it was time for bed, he wouldn’t come to sleep with me which saddened me but this is the first time this has happened and I once again told myself he probably has just gotten done with a hard shift. I sat down with him and after several failed attempts of trying to get him to talk to me, l unfortunately gave up and assured him I would be here to talk whenever he’s ready and that I loved him. I ended up going to sleep by myself. After a couple hours, I woke up and he still wasn’t in bed so I went out to our living room and he was sitting there with his face in his hands. I sat with him and he suddenly started crying in my arms to the point where he was inconsolable and made himself sick. I comforted him, soothed him, did everything. l’ve only ever seen him shed a few tears but I’ve never seen him cry like this.
I still have no idea what he saw that day but he’s been distant ever since. It is just not the same. He skips dinner half the time, hardly talks to me unless it’s something dire. I work mornings and he works nights so we never got the time to spend with each other but he still always somehow made time for me and now he doesn’t.
The only thing that hasn’t changed so much is our sex life when we have the time.
I don’t possibly understand what could’ve happened that its affected our relationship this much. I’ve tried so hard but I just keep thinking he’ll come around when he’s ready. But he’s not.
And I feel ignorant because he’s clearly struggling deeply with something and I’m upset that he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried everything and he just won’t communicate. But it’s getting to the point where l’m losing hope.
TL;DR – My boyfriend dealt with a traumatic experience at work and now he’s being cold and distant towards me and I’m not sure how to handle this anymore.
Comments
He cheated on you.
I’ve been in his shoes before. I could go into all the details of my own first responder PTSD, but I’m gonna cut straight to the advice.
He needs therapy. Not peer support, actually therapy, specifically from a therapist specializing in first responder trauma.
Tell him he needs to go. If he refuses you should leave him. It’s going to get way worse if he doesn’t deal with it, and trust me, you don’t want to be there for it.
Sounds like he’s trying to deal with it all himself which is difficult and straining him. You’ve offered support and have shown you care. Typically, there are resources available through work for dealing with stressful and traumatic experiences, like therapy and other professional services. It might be worthwhile looking into what’s offered and if he would like to use those as a coping tool.
It may be easier to talk with a professional who specializes in working with first responders than with his girlfriend. That’s nothing against you either!! You are very supportive and are there for him, keep it up!!
I’ve seen bodycam footage (blurred) from cops and the shit they need to deal with on a daily basis can be insane.
If i were to guess, he has seen some serious bodily harm/death. Maybe even shot himself?
Stuff like that can affect someone tremendously and i guess it’s hard to open up about something like that.
I would assume the police has their own therapists – maybe you know a partner or direct superior you could involve? I’m not sure if that would be a good idea though and how he would react. But he also can’t just close himself off, this isn’t helathy for him for obvious reasons.
Maybe try to convince him to speak to a therapist. Sometimes this is what is necessary because it’s something they can’t get over on their own. Professional help is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of, he really should think about it seriously if he wants to help himself.
He’s likely carrying a call he can’t unsee and has no tools to unpack. Let him know you’re there, but also nudge him toward real support, peer counseling at the department, a therapist, maybe one joint session. You can’t erase what happened, yet you can set the stage for him to talk while reminding yourself that you deserve communication too. If he won’t seek help after you’ve asked, draw a firm line around counseling; love can’t grow in silence.
Therapy! Therapy! Therapy!
For him.
For the two of you together.
For you.
I agree with the poster who recommends that you prepare to leave him if he refuses to go.
He’s a danger to the public, to his fellow officers, to himself, and to you.
You might be able to talk to his superiors. He needs help, and fast.
The next step for him is suicide.
Talk to his boss. Talk to his doctor. Or convince him to go to therapy or an ER.
If all those fail, get out and far away. This situation is a bomb. It is going to explode without skilled people to defuse it.
He needs to see the psychiatrist at work stat!!!!
It’s been a couple weeks. If he’s taking this long to move on from what happened, it was likely traumatic and he needs to see a therapist. It can be a really difficult job, but it’s not healthy to allow any job to completely derail your personal life either. You’re in a relationship and you have needs too.
He needs to seek therapy or find a job he can mentally handle.
Seeing dead kids will do that to you. 😓
It’s not your job to deal with this
Police officers deal with the worst humanity has to offer. They see the damage human beings lacking remorse can inflict on something innocent . Then they respond to the next problem. What they don’t get to witness very often is the healing that can take place after the fact. They don’t get to see things get better from that particular incident. I’m thinking someone at the beginning of a career like this has a lot of firsts. It will change him in some ways as it would any person who spends a long time in a service career like that. The earlier he uses therapy to help him find ways to unpack and sort those memories the better.
Check dms
The department probably has a mental health therapist. Insist that he visits them. He might get paid for going too.