Hi! I(F22) and my boyfriend(M26) are visiting his “foster” mother for the first time. There are some rules that make me higly uncomfortable – it might sound stupid as they are minor but I can’t help it. First one is – all meals have to be eaten at the kitchen table (3x per day together)- Iwanted to take a little salad to my room as I had some work to do (i work online) and I got told “no, we eat only in the kitchen at this house”. We also have to eat 3 times per day together with the whole family- it made me skip some meals as it makes me mentally exhausted. (Don’t get me wrong- it’s nice to eat together sometimes..but I am extremely introverted person and doing this all the time is hard for me)
Today my boyfriend and foster mom went to the shop and he wanted to get me candies (i know stupid-but i was feeling stressed and it was a nice gesture). Even though he wanted to buy it from his own money that he earned – his foster mom said “we do not eat candies in this house they ruin teeth and didn’t let him take them”.
I know that it’s minor and that she meens well but it makes me feel highly uncomfortable.
I tried to talk about it with my partner but he said that “it has always been this way” and that she wants me to be healthy. I appreciate it but in my opinion it’s unfair from her to push these rules on me as I am adult person making my own money and I am perfectly capable of making decisions for myself. (I don’t eat candies that often and I drink water 95% of the time). I understand that it’s her house that’s why I haven’t adressed it yet. I am not sure what to do in this situation. I want to keep good relations but it makes me not talk to anyone as I feel highly uncomfortable.
(I apologise for any mistakes English is not my first language)
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Not sure how long you are staying but I would suck it up, this time. It’s up to your bf to handle, not you, and the right time may not be while are there but instead when you are laying down the rules before visiting next time. You tell him what you’re willing to put up with and he either clears it with her or you don’t go.
How long are you guys visiting her for? If it’s only a couple of days, then it’s probably worth just sucking it up to keep the peace. They are quite strict rules but eating in the kitchen only isn’t a hard rule to follow, so with that one I think it’s best to comply.
Regarding the meals as a family i completely understand you, I’m an introvert as well and that would drain me too. Maybe you can try and suggest you and your boyfriend go out sometimes for lunch or dinner so there’s a bit of balance but you also don’t have to miss meals.
If you guys are staying for a longer time then I think it’s worth sitting down all three of you to discuss the things that make you feel uncomfortable. She does seem to treat you both less like adults and that can be really frustrating. I think if you manage to discuss it calmly there can be some compromise from both sides to help. But again if you’re only there for a couple days then it might not be worth the stress
Eating all meals at the kithcen table isn’t odd or strict rule in my opinion. Tbh if I was guest at someone else’s house, I wouldnt’ dream eating other places than around the table.
Also if she’s foster mother, I understand her having strict structures are for a reason. Ofc she’d also have to understand that she’s not dealing with underage foster kids, she’s dealing with adults
Candy thing and your bf going with it is odd and idk why your bf went with it.
But yeah, generally, I also suggest you suck it up for few days.
You are an adult person making your own money so get a hotel room.
Don’t visit again.
He house her rules. There’s really not much you can do aside from suck it up, or leave and stay at a hotel. Then let him know you won’t be staying there in the future.
These rules apply to many families. Nothing is weird or uncomfortable about them. Just stay at a hotel next time.
You are a guest OP and frankly it is not going to hurt you to bend a little when you are a guest in someone’s home.
This woman likely saved your b/f from a great deal of hardship in what was likely already a hard life. Your best bet is to talk to her about he rules. Why does he have them in place, get curious about her life as a foster mother. Your b/f likely wants her to like you. Why else would you two be spending a couple weeks there.
Run away. You have a massive bf problem.
When you are a guest in someone else’s home, whether you agree with them or not, you follow their ‘house rules’. That’s just the way things go. If you don’t like the rules, then in future you can always refuse to go visit but that could cause issues between you and your bf. Or book into a hotel or air B&B. It’s not ike you are living there, it’s not for long so just suck it up while you are there.
Being a foster mom, I get the rules & she wants to treat everyone the same. I also get your needing breakfast before work, so it would seem she could work around that or she should offer to fix your breakfast before others due to your working imo. As others stated, maybe next time stay at a hotel. I honestly see both sides with her being foster mom & I see your need for breakfast before work. Think I’d be tempted to buy breakfast bars & zip locks to put my trash in if she can’t provide your breakfast before work. I get her house, her rules. IMO, it’s just rude to expect you to skip breakfast while you’re working. Good luck!
Sounds like a couple of good reasons not to visit her house again. Tell her her rules are for children, and you two are not children.
You’re staying in someone else’s home, you follow their house rules. If you don’t like it you get out. Plain and simple.
I have a no food in the bedroom policy as well. I don’t want crumbs and food mess in other parts of the house. Or unfinished food getting thrown out in trash cans not in the kitchen, where it’s frequently taken out. She really shouldn’t have a say in whether you eat candy or not, though. You’re an adult. But…for a short visit these rules are no big deal. It would be different if you all were living together, but you’re not. Just be gracious and deal with it, it’s not that bad.
Making a salad in someone else’s kitchen and eating it alone in their guest bedroom sounds pretty rude to me. As for the rest of it – stop telling her so much about what you’re doing. “Bye, we’re going out for the day, we’ll be back for dinner!”
Their house, their rules. Eating meals together is really such a trial? This is incredibly minor stuff. Be uncomfortable for a few days, and then you’re back in your own home.
You didn’t put any of that in your post. You said you wanted to take a salad to your room because eating at the table with everyone 3x a day was too mentally exhausting for you.
There are usually Starbucks, McDonalds or even a gas station open where you could get something before work to tide you over until 10 or until something opens where you could eat and work. If that’s not possible, grab some glucerna type shakes or bars or some fruit you can eat at the table when you first wake, work and clean up in the 4 hours of quiet before they wake up.
Rule about eating in a specific area is fine. Some places have more of a pest issue than others or just don’t want the mess. Rule about only being able to eat all together or not at all is odd. I’d be leaving to go eat somewhere else.
Candies I would have said I’m an adult and buy them.
The rules you evoke are not strict at all. You seem more strict and unadaptable than her ^^`. You mentionned multiple times you have to wake up at six for work. Do you HAVE to, like you have meeting and people who will check that you begins at the correct hour ? If not, just change a bit your work timeline while you are at her home. If you do, then I’d suggest you go buy yourself a few almonds or other dry food during the day and you take a stroll first thing in the morning to have this little snack outside to not work on an empty stomach untill family breakfast time.
All the other stuff is really not that hard to follow. If you are introverted, have a walk alone before and/or after the family meals to recharge from the “all togetherness”.
Maybe also seek some progressional help because it seems really uncommon to be bothered to the point you are to follow a few simple and quite normal rules in someone else home… I’m really saying this without the internet rage but like, i really think it might help if you are not already doing it.