I have been dating my partner for about two years. He opened up to me about having a porn addiction and using sex and dating apps in the past to deal with avoidant tendencies and any sort of daily stress. I want to support him through this, he asked me to help him through it! He said he wanted to change to be with me but he doesn’t do the things he says he will. When I ask him about his progress it turns into him shutting down and saying I can’t ask him about his porn use or saying I am policing him. Every two or three months during an avoidant shut down he admits that he doesn’t think one person will ever be enough to satisfy his needs and that he feels like a monster. If I get emotional at all about him saying this to me he says he wants to break up with me because he doesn’t like hurting me. I just want to be with him so he usually calms down and restarts the cycle. As much as I’d like to keep supporting him, this has really started to weigh on me. Is it time to go?
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It’s been two years. He’s admitted you will never be enough on your own.
He says he wants you to help him through it, then doesn’t want you to talk to him about it.
Two years is a long time. You gave a good try. There’s someone for you out there that will be more willing to work with you on this stuff.
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When will people learn to stop trying to change people in relationships? You cannot change people. You cannot “fix him.“ Cut your losses of two years, and stop wasting more of your youth on this guy.
Porn is the devil
This feels like a toxic relationship. Have you been to a relationship counselor or a psychiatrist with him?
Do not waste the rest of your 20’s on this manchild. If he lacks that much self control and continues to make decisions that hurt you, you gotta get out of there. I wasted my 20’s on a very similar type of man, begged for forgiveness, emotional and actual cheating, forgiving and repeating the cycle and for what? He started dating our coworker and he left because he couldn’t stand the guilt. Fuck these men, find a better one.
Been there.. time to go girl. Dont waste you breath and time.. trust me – I know they don’t change. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. You’ll see. Just don’t waste any more of your precious years with him…
I think he’s far gone and you should wash your hands and feel no guilt for leaving.
Don’t waste time on a porn addict or an avoidant. Not worth your time or effort. If he wants to change, he needs to get into therapy and do the work. But you don’t need to waste more years on this guy. Leave him to his porn addiction and avoidant behaviors and find someone who isn’t completely dysfunctional for a relationship.
Why are you dating him?
I dated a guy just like this when I was younger and no they don’t change they just get better at hiding it. I don’t even know how many times I tried convincing myself that if I just waited a little longer, was just a little more supportive, that maybe one day he’d be different but all that got me was wasted time I could’ve been using to find my person.
I really get it, OP. It’s like watching a loved one in quicksand, you just wanna dive in and save them, but they won’t take your hand. You’re not alone, many relationships hit these walls. But, remember this: you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t make you feel like an intruder in their own life
This individual is not in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship with someone else. They need to go and work on themselves. I think walking away would be better for your mental health.
this is time to go, a porn addiction is something that truly needs to be recovered from while single, it will actually destroy you bc it will not happen cold turkey and it affects the way he sees women, especially you his partner. you should leave and he needs to put himself in counseling. im not saying he wont get better but even if he does, its a long road that will chip away at you and taint your whole relationship in the future.
It was time to go awhile ago.
*It is not your job to save him
Lack of Effort on his part.
Cut your losses as early as possible.
This guy is not ready to be in a relationship. If he really wants to work on it he needs to get in counseling for behavioral addiction or just general therapy to work through this. It doesn’t seem like he’s very serious at all about making improvements.
It’s possible he just doesn’t know how. So if you want to try to help him get some professional guidance with this, that might be the next step and if he refuses to take it seriously, you’re going to need to move on.
‘I’m dating a (fill_in_the_blank) who says he wants to stop and asked for my help in stopping, but gets upset when I ask about it.’
No matter the issue… bad hygiene, porn/drug/gambling addiction, serial killing… it’s a problematic scenario, and the person has to want to stop.
I totally understand this guy, because I can see myself in him. The way you described him, made me think that I have so much in common with his suffering. That’s why, I feel I can give you good advice. First of all and most important: YOU DON’T HAVE TO SAVE HIM. You have your own life and your future is waiting for you. Focus on your deepest desires, ask yourself what’s right for you. Try to picture your ideal life and take decisions that lead towards it. Now I will talk in first person impersonating him. I will tell you what I’d like to tell my girlfriend, but I never do. “ I feel trapped in my own mind. I’m stuck in loops and recursive patterns that keep me away from what’s really important in my life, such as our relationship. It’s something I can’t control. I’m obsessed by other girls, I’d like to talk and flirt with them, so I can feel the adrenaline of knowing someone new all over again. But as soon as I think about it, my feelings for you stop me and I feel guilty for even thinking about it. This is harmful though, for the part of me that wants to come up, the deep part of my soul that demands adrenaline. Every time I push it down, it pushes back more violently. During these pushes, I’m powerless, because it’s like fighting with an invisible entity inside of me. That is what blocks me in regular cycles”.
Make a cold evaluation of your feelings for him (for the best part of him). If you want that guy in your life, fight a little bit more, make him feel understood (i’m sure you already had). Maybe show him this message, it will help him for sure.
Hope it was helpful.
Personally, I think it might be time to let go. You deserve someone who’s ready and able to work through these issues, and it doesn’t sound like he’s making real progress.
Time to move on. He doesn’t want to change.