TLDR- He thinks he’s helping but it’s just putting stress on me. He refuses to get medicated for ADHD and I don’t know how to feel.
Me (F24) and my husband (M26) have been together 7 years, married for 2. We had our first baby in February.
I stay home while he works 4 days a week, extremely long overnight hours, but it’s worth it because he gets a 3 day weekend.
I’m going insane with my husband, and I’m about at my last straw. I love him and I know he loves me, but I’m so sick of repeating myself over and over again, and nothing changing.
During the weekends he changes the occasional diaper, we switch off for feedings (formula fed). He does mostly everything right on paper, but it all feels almost half assed. Like he’ll change the diaper, but he won’t throw the diaper away. He’ll make dinner, but he won’t clean up the mess he made. He’ll say he will stay up late for the last feeding so I can go to bed, but he has to take a nap before and then won’t wake up to the alarm he set, so I’m staying awake anyways because of stress that my kid won’t be fed.
Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m expecting too much out of him, maybe I’m just anxious and expect him to do everything my way. It just feels so much like he’s doing this on purpose. Like he knows that he’s doing enough on paper so I can’t say anything or have any complaints. It feels like weaponized incompetence, and it doesn’t matter how many times i say the same thing, in however many different ways and tones I can think of. I couldn’t ever say anything that will stick because he doesn’t want to change.
I’m trying my hardest to understand him. I feel like there might be a chance he’s burnt out, but then when I think about that I just start going crazy and saying “I’m burnt out too and I still manage to function and stay up and take care of my kid”.
The difference is that I don’t have anyone to fall back on if I fail to follow through, while he does. There’s nothing holding him accountable. He knows that if he doesn’t throw away the diaper, I will. He knows that if he doesn’t wake up for his alarm, I’ll wake him up….
I really think he thinks hes doing good, and i can tell it confuses him a bit when I bring up something that makes me upset. His man brain doesn’t compute any detail or any extra thing outside of the main task. He has ADHD, so he’s always not been the best when it comes to cleaning, planning, time punctuality. I try to be mindful of this fact, but because I don’t have ADHD I can’t even begin to comprehend and understand how his brain works.
He is unmedicated for his ADHD. He refuses to get pro help on any level for his ADHD 1. Because he had extremely traumatic experiences as a kid with the medications he was put on and 2. Because he does not have healthcare of any kind so professional help would come totally out of pocket. One one hand, I don’t want to push him to get medicated because I know it makes him uncomfortable and I want to to respect him, but on the other hand I know it might really help things and solve problems we have. It’s putting me in a strange situation.
Divorce is off the table. Like I said, I love him and outside of this daily shit with our kiddo and house stuff we’re happy. No complaints. This whole thing is starting to make me resent him so bad though and affect our sex life, and making us argue all the time.
Any advice on how to parent with someone who has ADHD? Any advice on how to make something stick without nagging and repeating it a million times? I’m about to the point where I think about just not asking anything from him so I don’t end up let down. I’m going insane. The emotional stress that all this is putting on me is crazy. Im getting stress cold sores like once a week. Thanks.
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This sounds hard but also similar. We suspect my husband has undiagnosed adhd and we have similar struggles. I’m almost at my wits end tbh trying to be compassionate but also feeling like it’s so frustrating and unfair to be the fallback person. Carrying the weight of 1.5 people plus a toddler.
He has decided to have therapy with a therapist who works with ND people so I hope that helps somewhat in time. No clue what do in the meantime.
I’ve joked that there should be a support group for partners of.
You are not crazy, and you are definitely not alone. You are in a really hard spot, trying to raise a baby while also carrying the emotional and mental load of managing a partner with unmedicated ADHD. That is a full time job in itself, and it is okay to say it is too much.
ADHD is real, but so is your exhaustion. What you are describing, doing just enough but never fully following through and leaving you to pick up the slack, feels like accidental weaponized incompetence. Even if he does not mean it that way, it still leaves you feeling unsupported, anxious, and constantly on edge. That is not fair, and it is not sustainable.
You are giving him so much grace. Maybe even too much. It is not cruel or selfish to ask for actual follow through. You should not have to repeat yourself endlessly just to feel like a team. And no, you are not expecting too much. He does not need to be perfect, but he does need to be accountable, especially if he is refusing medication or professional help.
If therapy or medication are truly off the table, then he needs to meet you halfway in other ways. That might look like using structure, alarms with accountability, visual checklists, or even shared parenting charts to help take some of that mental weight off your shoulders. Because right now, you are parenting both him and your baby, and that is exhausting.
You are not weak for feeling resentful. You are human. Resentment is what builds when your needs keep getting pushed aside. So no, you are not going insane. You are doing your best under an impossible emotional load. You deserve support, not just survival.
You need to have a very upfront and open conversation about how you split the labor in your household. Look into “mental load”
Honestly, part of this triggered me. I know you don’t understand, since you don’t have ADHD and you’re here venting/looking for advice, but as someone with ADHD, you calling his forgetting things weaponized incompetence sent me through the roof.
That man is probably trying his hardest, thinking he’s doing good. You really just don’t understand what it’s like to have ADHD. I spent 22 years of my life undiagnosed, not knowing why I wasn’t enough and not understanding why I couldn’t do things like other people—until I got diagnosed and realized I was enough. I just had ADHD.
So when I accomplish something and it’s not a complete wreck, I think I’m doing good. Now imagine how he feels—a new father, thinking he’s doing good—but to you, it’s not enough.
Sorry, I’m ranting. That just really bothered me.
Now for the advice:
With him having ADHD, it’s gonna take some time and adjusting. It’s been 5 months and y’all just had a huge life change. Everyone with ADHD is different, but for me, reminders are huge.
For example, the diaper— for me to remember to throw that out, I would have to see it again. Like walk out of a room, walk back in, and go, “OMG, I forgot to throw this away.” So let’s say you have a changing table—put a trash can next to it. (Something to visually remind him.) Also, a giant sign on the wall about throwing out a diaper can help too.
Do some research on ADHD when you get a chance and see what you think might work to get around these things. Nagging won’t work. It’s something that hasn’t worked in the past. I’m sure his parents did that to him his whole life, and I bet it doesn’t make him feel good about himself. (Completely projecting here—he could be unbothered by it.)
Lastly, for the medication—from my personal experience, I tried it as an adult and would rather just go about life unmedicated. It’s nice to be able to remember to do things, but it’s very touchy.
Me personally, if I didn’t eat or get enough sleep and took my meds, at some point I was gonna have a really bad day. The deciding point for me was one day I took it and went on a 12-hour emotional roller coaster ride—from overly happy to overly sad, life-ending thoughts, and just landed on rage for the rest of the night. Being enraged lasted 7 hours.
My advice probably wasn’t the best—I’m a talker, not a typer. So just have patience with him. This is new for both of you, and I’d put my money on it: you’re both doing great jobs.
One more thing: You’re not completely crazy—if he’s not waking up for his alarms to feed the baby, that definitely needs to be nipped in the bud immediately. That’s unneeded stress for you. Either he needs to get up or stop offering, because absolutely not.
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This hard because he is refusing medication. Have you tried listing a step by step how to chart, including throwing out the diaper, above the changing table. You could give a visual when he does it right or wrong like a child needs, red cross, green tick, maybe the humiliation of failing so often may prompt him to finally seek help. He is behaving like a child, treat him like one.
I have ADHD. ADHD is a context, not an excuse. I absolutely loathe when people use ADHD to justify poor behavior. Your husband has a job where he probably performs at a satisfactory level, right? Why does he lose all consideration at home?
> During the weekends he changes the occasional diaper. He does mostly everything right on paper, but it all feels almost half assed. Like he’ll change the diaper, but he won’t throw the diaper away. He’ll make dinner, but he won’t clean up the mess he made.
> Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m expecting too much out of him, maybe l’m just anxious and expect him to do everything my way.
It’s not your way, it’s the normal adult way. You’re not expecting too much. A parent should change more than the occasional diaper. Throwing out a dirty diaper is the bare minimum. I understood that when I was babysitting… at 14 years old, FFS. You’ve are 100% correct that this is weaponized incompetence.
You’ve been together since you were 17. You don’t want to divorce, ok. But what was the plan here, for marriage and kids? Is your husband just going to continue to raw-dog life with no medication and no therapy? Can he work more hours to increase his income to afford therapy? Can family or friends provide financial help?
He needs to get help. You can’t force him. You’re gonna have to figure out how much more of this you’re willing to tolerate for the sake of love. You’re only 24 years old, this is not a life.
A (understandably) burn-out mother and a father isn’t what’s best for a child in the long run.
I have ADHD and I really feel for you. However, I think it’s important to understand that ADHD meds are not a magic cure. They can’t do anything for a lot of the symptoms and they can’t 100% help the ones they can do. They can also have horrible side effects and many people simply can’t take them. Yes, they work for the people who can tolerate them but they’ve still got ADHD.
People with ADHD suffer from a form of object permanence, meaning if something is not literally in front of our eyes then we forget it exists. For example, if I take food out of the oven, I’ll then close the oven door and by the time I’ve set the dish down, I’ve forgotten about the oven and so I’m constantly leaving it on for hours after without realising. This is not half-assing it, it’s a neurological disability that doesn’t affect intelligence.
What he needs to do is create a system that makes sure he does these things more thoroughly. This might mean leaving himself notes everywhere or setting lots of reminders and alarms on his phone. There are lots of things he can do that aren’t meds. He just has to want to do them.
I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this. My blood pressure spiked just reading what you’ve been dealing with, and the fact that it’s affecting your mental and physical health is both understandable and very concerning. This is a serious situation and my heart hurts to hear how your partner is failing to take your needs and wants into consideration. He is really falling down on the job, and that’s not ok, regardless of his diagnoses.
While reading this, I couldn’t help wondering how he was with household labor before the baby. Were you carrying the entire mental and physical load of caring for your home? Did he neglect his responsibilities back then as well? Has it gotten worse since the baby arrived? What conversations did you two have about how to share the workload when the baby came along?
From your description, it sounds like ADHD may not be the main issue. I’m worried that the deeper problem is that your partner does not value your time and emotional energy, and that he does not see a need to be an active participant in your shared life together. The fact that you have told him many times in many ways that his behavior hurts you and he has been unwilling or unable to change is a giant red flag.
As far as the ADHD situation: This is purely anecdotal evidence but as a counterpoint to your partner’s argument that ADHD is the reason he can’t pull his own weight, I want to share a personal story. My (late 20s F) partner (also late 20s F) has ADHD and does not take medication. However, we share homemaking tasks equally (if anything, she does more than her share around the house). She works around her ADHD by making lists, setting reminders, and keeping a calendar to track tasks that need to be done on a certain timetable. Even if your partner does not want to take medication and cannot seek therapy, he should research and implement coping mechanisms to limit the amount that you have to pick up after him. Lots of people with ADHD are functional parents and partners; they just adapt to the way their brains work.
I think it’s time for a very serious conversation with your husband where you tell him exactly what you told Reddit: that his behavior is extremely upsetting and stressful for you, that your mental and physical health is suffering because of his lack of participation in parenting, and that you need him to commit to some concrete solutions or your relationship will be seriously damaged. Let him know that you are at the end of your rope and need him to take this seriously.
Maybe the two of you can read the book “Fair Play” together and divide up your household chores and the mental labor behind them more evenly. Perhaps there are certain tasks that work better with his brain that he can take full responsibility for so that you can focus on other things (like resting, hopefully!).
I am wishing you and your family the very best. I sincerely hope your husband hears you telling him what you need from him and responds appropriately. You should not have to put up with this situation for even one second longer. You deserve a truly equal partnership where your spouse takes responsibility for his fair share of both physical and mental labor.