We’ve been together almost six years, and while I’ve occasionally had doubts (e.g. he rarely posts about me, doesn’t want me occasionally joining his weekly nights out), he always had convincing answers. I trusted him.
Recently, an ex of his reached out. I knew of her existence but he told me she was from way before me and said he cut contact early in our relationship. Turns out, he didn’t. According to her, he’s told her a few times that we’re broken up (unsure whether definitively or in some unclear on-off situation) and has been hooking up with her throughout our relationship. She even mentioned another woman he was with but wouldn’t name her, presumably under the same guise. She couldn’t give hard proof, but some of the specific moments she mentioned lined up with times he was unaccounted for.
I want to confront him, but gently. He shuts down when he feels attacked, and I need as much honesty from him as I can get. I don’t want to tell him exactly what I know because I don’t want him to tailor his answers. I’ve already told him I’m hurt and know more than he thinks, and we’ve set a date to talk.
My questions:
1) How do I ask him for the truth in a way that makes it harder for him to lie or shut down, while still maintaining self-respect?
2) If he confesses to everything (so everything I know and don’t know) now, after being confronted, does that really count as remorse? Or is it just damage control? Am I foolish to consider giving him another chance?
3) If we don’t make it, how do I reflect on this in a way that helps me grow?
I’d really appreciate honest thoughts, especially from people who’ve been through something similar. Whether as the avoidantly attached partner, the cheater, the cheatee …
Comments
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Be prepared to confront him and get no answers. You have to be confident in what you already know. You don’t need him to validate it. Period. If I were you, I wouldn’t confront him at all. I would leave and cut contact and not give him a reason. Ghost him.
I’d casually drop the news that you heard from his ex just to see his reaction.
But at that point my bags would already be packed. You know you don’t trust him, why hang around for more lies?
Without evidence, there’s only so much you can do. Almost guaranteed he will deny deny deny and then turn it around on you somehow.
If your gut tells you he’s cheating, then leave.
If you want to wait for more concrete evidence, watch him like a hawk. you can set up cameras in the public areas of your home. You can maybe sneak a voice activated recorder in his car.
Just look up the legalities of it in your area first.
It sounds like you don’t trust him. I don’t see how there can be a relationship without trust. Maybe have a conversation and point out his suspicious behavior and tell him that no matter what excuse or reason he has, it’s still suspicious and you don’t trust him. Ask him how he plans to restore your trust in him. If he loves you, he will try to work on that.
At this point, I’d just get tested and get my stuff ready to leave. No confrontation, just ghosting. He never will tell you the truth and he emotionally manipulates you by making you feel bad for confronting him, so he deserves to go back to an empty home and never again be able to reach out to you.
Trying to extract truth from a cheater is a frustrating endeavor. They almost always trickle truth …only telling you the bare minimum. Why not just walk away? Why subject yourself to the tongue of a dishonest man? Closure? Closure doesn’t exist. It’s within yourself to find it. You don’t get it externally.
His cheating is endemic. There is nothing to be salvaged here for you. Giving him another chance will be heard as, “I’m okay with what you did. Now, here is a ticket to do it again.”
Understand that some people just suck. Sometimes, you have to cut your losses and move on. Don’t get stuck in a sunk cost fallacy where you’ve invested 6 years into a pit. Investing more time in him won’t improve your return on investment. It will further diminish it.
Unfortunately, you’ve already warned him by telling him you’re hurt and know more than he thinks. So he has now had time to concoct a story. Would have been better to spring it on him if you wanted to see an honest reaction.
This man’s been lying to you and betraying your trust for most of a 6 year relationship, and you’re considering giving him another chance? Are you serious?? He’s already proved he has no respect for you. Respect yourself enough not to put yourself through any more of his deception no matter what excuses he comes up with.
You’re 24, you’ve been with this chucklefuck since you were 18. You’ve never even experienced an actual GOOD adult relationship. It’s time to get out of this and experience something better. Don’t hold yourself back and limit yourself to being treated so poorly.
His answers don’t matter. You know the truth. Or at least enough of it to know who he really is and that he has no respect for you. It’s time to move on to bigger and better things.
Honestly, you have all the information you need. Just leave. He will never divulge the total truth as he is a pathological liar.
Don’t trust an ex, without real verifiable details you can’t confirm her claims, and you can’t trust her motivations.
I can’t really suggest any ways to “make him talk”. But yes, if he confesses and is open about than his attitude in doing so suggests whether it’s remorse or not. If he tears up, and looks disappointed himself, that’s remorse.
If he’s angry and makes excuses that’s obviously not. The difference is important because it creates emotional space for honesty.
To me, your real issue is that after 6 years you guys aren’t looking at getting married? That suggests to me, while this is serious, where is it going? What’s the commitment? Where do you guys want to be in 5 years?
If he’s willing to lie to you for years, and lie to this other woman for years, what makes you think he’d suddenly be completely honest if you asked him in just the right way? You’re not going to get the answers you want, or, you’ll be wholly unsatisfied with the ones you do get. He may also trickle truth you and it takes a long time to get a basic overview of the situation while he’s still lying about the biggest stuff.
Don’t you already have the information you need to know this isn’t a good situation for you? Is this, a guy hiding you for six years, the love story you want for your life even if he weren’t cheating on you? I mean, he is, but it’s still bad anyway.
Lose your dignity? You lost that long time ago. When you’ve got to throw hints and schedule a serious situation in the calendar, you lost most of your dignity.
If you know the truth, there is nothing him or anyone else could say to change your mind or make you feel like a DA.
Whatever happen to standing up for yourself and making people own up to their cheating.
While you’re beating around the bush he is still out there cheating on you.
But if you don’t have concrete proof, then you don’t have a dog in this fight, or scheduled conversation.
You will not get closure. He has lied to you the entire relationship. There is nothing he can say that will make you feel better. This is definitely a him problem. Just heads up. His friends prob all know too and at least suspect. Just leave you do not need to save him from himself
Just go. You haven’t trusted him for a long time. There is no point in remaining in this relationship.
Who cares what lies he is going to give you. You deserve better. Move on.
No offense but do you really need to have a convo with him? You know how he treats you and know what he’s done. What’s the point in talking to him about it? Just break up, get tested and focus on moving on
Cheaters don’t admit to cheating when confronted. Look up DARVO- that’s how they react. The fact you have to gently bring up something he’s done wrong because he feels attacked tells me he probably uses DARVO tactics a lot to get you to back off or sweep things under the rug. It’s manipulation and it works.
It sounds like you’ve known he’s cheated but kept your head stuck in the sand. Now you’ve been told outright- and events line up- but you’re still doubting. Why?
I understand wanting to confront him for his reaction, but i think you need to first sit with yourself and think about your relationship. Go over how he treats you, your life together. How he supports you, how he loves you. Would you want your friend or hypothetical daughter to be in a relationship like this?
Honestly, if growth is your objective, don’t spend energy trying to get the truth out of him. You know he wasn’t a good partner and that he cheated – that’s enough to know you don’t want to be with him any more, so focus on yourself instead.
It seems that you know he’s going to lie. Tell him bye!!!
There is nothing here to save because none of it was real. Your entire relationship has been a lie. The best thing you can do for yourself, and keep your dignity in tact, is to just walk away. If you stay with this guy, do so knowing he will never be faithful.
If he cheated on you for 6 years (and always tried yo cover up over-explaining his schedule), you should be prepared that he would never confess it and will probably try to switch the narrative saying that you don’t have proof/his ex is crazy and wants to torment him, etc.
And even if he makes amend, how could you trust him again after that kind of disregard he had for you all along your relationship?
You trusted him, he broked that trust = end of the game
You may never know the truth. As he is obliviously unable to give that to you. I think you already know the truth. It’s just a hard pill to swallow…. you need to leave/move on and heal.
I’ve been where you are now, not exactly the same boat, but close. He’s shown his true colors, hun, time to cut bait. Just leave, don’t look back, yeah?
You may never get the truth from him. If there’s signs, evidence, and if your losing faith in him, it’s going to be difficult to continue to choose him and not lose yourself.
His ex has likely told him she told you so keep that in mind. Good luck!
I think you have the truth. Or at least enough of it. Details don’t really matter, and he has lied and cheated for six years, and kept you hidden on some level. You are unlikely to get the whole truth out of someone like that in any circumstances. At best you might get some trickle truthing.
You are only 24. Don’t fall for the sunken cost fallacy. Don’t waste more time sinking more of yourself, your time, your love,mind your faith in someone who will almost certainly never treat you right. Getting answers always feels so important in the moment, especially when you are young, and this is definitely your first really serious relationship considering your age and the length of the relationship.
But in time, you realize it doesn’t matter. You know enough. Closure won’t come from him, but from within yourself. If you ask him why, you won’t get a real answer. He will blame it on you (that’s a cop out, because even if you guys have issues, he should work on them or end things, not cheat, plus it sounds like he’s cheated the whole time), or he will deny it (but why would she lie? Even if she’s trying to split you up to get with him, after six years, he has given her a reason), or he will say he couldn’t help it and wants to open the relationship, or some other pile of nonsense. But the truth is, he is just selfish. He wants to have his cake and eat it too, and he doesn’t care if you get hurt except insofar as it might lose him his cake.
Make this conversation a break up, and move on. But if you stay, get individual therapy to help you understand why you feel the need to hang on here. Get insight from within, with the help of those trained to help you answer your own questions. Because you won’t get insight from him. Not really.
He may shut down immediately the moment he thinks he can’t talk his way out. It doesn’t really matter what the “whole truth” is you know enough that you should dump him and never look back.
You need therapy to find out why you are even thinking of giving him another chance after this and to help you move on and not fall for another guy just like him.
bless your heart. look at you trying to manage his emotions and keep him calm, giving him the benefit of the doubt, considering him remorseful, all whilst he’s seducing, flirting with, undressing, and having sex with women behind your back. he is a lying cheating pathetic loser and you are too good of a person for him.
You’ll never get the truth from a liar. You have to accept the fact that you will never know but in reality you have known because your gut has told you. Be strong, move on, don’t waiver.
He is going to lie. Then he will eventually turn it on you that it was all your fault. Just leave and write a message on the counter…CHEATER! Then walk out the door and find a man who wants only you.
I’d say avoid the convo. The gaslighting and guilt trip he could spin on you could be more damaging. Find a better and bigger dick elsewhere sis. 🙂
I would go over to the infidelity subs and lurk. The almost guaranteed scenario is that unless you have solid proof of his cheating, he will lie to your face, probably fairly earnestly.
Then he will only admit to what you have proof for and will continue to hide the rest. It’s called trickle truth.
I would do a deep dive into anything you can get your hands on before you bring it up with him. Once you do, he will delete any evidence he can and will be more sneaky in the future.
Confront him gently? After 6 years of cheating?? I’d use a crowbar.
1- Tell him you know. He isn’t going to give you everything. Only little bits if anything.
2- You don’t know what you don’t know, so you will never know if he told you everything. He’ll be on damage control. If he was remorseful he would have told you after it happened the first time and not done it again. Yes, it would be foolish to give him another chance. You’re showing him that it’s okay to treat you this way as long as he can confess when he gets caught.
3- Reflect on what you want from a partner. Reflect on why you want to give another chance to someone that has repeatedly wronged you. A counselor may help you through this process of grieving, moving forward, and being confident in yourself and the kind of partner you deserve (which is not this guy).
There’s no perfect way to ask that will force him to give you the answers (and closure you want). Put the priority on your physical safety when confronting him – make sure you do it publicly, or if you choose privately, that someone knows what’s happening and will check in on you
Admission of guilt is not the same as remorse. He had been doing this for 6 years and would keep doing it if you didn’t know. There is no salvaging this relationship if you truly respect yourself.
First things first – rid yourself of this man completely (physically, online, etc.) and then put together some serious time alone – no romantic relationships. You have been with him since 18, and you need time to rediscover who you are without him. Reconnect with old friends and make some new ones. Take the time to see what you really enjoy and what you want in life and a partner. Finally, before getting into anything new romantically, make sure you work hard on learning to listen to your inner voice/instincts again.
Good luck and stay safe – you deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with you and you alone – cheaters suck (it’s HIS deficiency, not yours).
Hire a PI. No second chances. Cheating isn’t a mistake and there’s no sweeping it under the rug.
He will never tell you the whole truth. You were probably never the only woman in his bed. Calculate how many times he was not available for you and had sex with the ex alone. On at least as many evenings, this other woman must have been with him. Since the ex doesn’t name you, this other woman will probably be one of his friends. If he means it honestly, he will tell everything directly without you giving him any information. He may admit everything you mention and that’s it. How can you believe something in someone who has lied and cheated on you for so many years? He could give you a smile and a goodbye kiss knowing that he might sleep with another woman 2 hours later. People who are so unscrupulous will always cheat. They’d better hide it but don’t stop.
Just leave and block him on everything. You are never going to get closure from him you need to give it to yourself by taking back control of the narrative. And you do that by withholding all contact.
You’re not thinking is staying, right?! Who cares if he shuts down when confronted. What more do you need to know? He hasn’t been honest at all during your relationship. He would never had told you otherwise, so there really is no remorse.
> 1) How do I ask him for the truth in a way that makes it harder for him to lie or shut down, while still maintaining self-respect?
Don’t focus on how he’s feeling or what he is saying. Focus on what you feel. If you feel anxiety, guilt, or shame while confronting him, he’s manipulating you for his own gain. Pay attention to your own body and to your own reactions. If he needs to manipulate you, he is lying. He might not tell you the truth, but you’ll know. Don’t focus on making him say it out loud, he might never do that, focus on trusting your judgment.
This advice might not always be good, as sometimes your reactions might be a reflection of your own past and trauma, so adjust a bit for that, but for the most part from how you sound, it sounds too me you trust yourself way too little, not too much.
> 2) If he confesses to everything (so everything I know and don’t know) now, after being confronted, does that really count as remorse? Or is it just damage control? Am I foolish to consider giving him another chance?
Okay, so there are two scenarios.
If he’s not remorseful, you obviously cut him off.
If he is remorseful, I strongly urge you to still think through what you want to do. He did this on and off for YEARS. Having sex with someone is not an impulsive decision you can just make out of the blue. They had to have talked, agreed to meet, met, hung out, went to someone’s place, escalated tension, did the deed. That is not a moment of weakness, that is planned and executed. Even if he regrets it now, he was willing to risk hurting you very deeply, selfishly, for his pleasure, and willing to deceive you for years, put you under STD risk, and would maybe even marry you and continue this, risking your child getting an STD from you, risking divorce and a broken family. Even if he didn’t want to do it and felt guilty throughout, what sort of weakness of character is that? That is some emotional avoidance, some addiction, impulsivity, self-destruction, whatever, that will cause him to treat you and your future family very very badly. You can have compassion for that if you’d like if any of that is even the case, but imo it’s not a smart or a safe decision for you emotionally, financially, for future children if you decide to have them, to tie yourself down to a man who can’t figure these things out and control his urges.
I know it might be difficult to accept that this is how it ends and it might be sudden and you may want to cling on a bit more, to try for a while more, to let him convince you that he sucks for a while longer. And if you really want to, go ahead. Be ready for some short-lasting love-bombing and a reversal to his previous habits. But imo you should take some space, process the grief and shock you feel over this, and cut it off sooner rather than later, after going through another cycle of your chain being yanked. You’ll probably get to the same spot eventually, and maybe you need to prolong it for a while until you’re ready, but just know, you’re more than likely to go full circle.
> 3) If we don’t make it, how do I reflect on this in a way that helps me grow?
Let yourself grieve. You’ll reflect and grow over time, but there’s no need to look for silver lining right now. What’s happening to you is unfair, it’s bullshit, you’re losing something you’ve been working at for a very long time, you have been betrayed and lied to, and you should be angry that he made you walk on eggshells so much that even after all of that you’re still thinking about how to talk to him gently! Be angry and be sad. Don’t sugar-coat it, don’t look for reasons it’s for the better, and especially don’t look for reasons to blame yourself. Just let yourself feel.
There will be time for reflection after grief. Therapy might be a great resource if it’s accessible to you, if not maybe try journaling or talking to a thoughtful friend. But introspection and growth are not replacements for grief. They will often come with grief, but you shouldn’t let yourself over-rationalize this to the point of not feeling anything.