Hi everyone, I absolutely love my boyfriend (25M). I’m 24F. We’ve known each other for five years, been dating for two, and have lived together for about four months. Before him, I was in an extremely physically abusive relationship, and was cheated on by multiple partners, so I was VERY hesitant to date again. I took time to be single but he really pursued me respectfully, became my friend first, and treated me better than anyone ever had. The first year and a half together felt magical: we even talked about marriage, and I know he’s bought a ring and asked my parents permission to propose.
Since moving in, though, things have changed. We’ve gotten two cats (we adore them but they add major stress), and living together has made small disagreements blow up into constant fights—about chores, decorating, how I “nag,” etc. We’ve almost broken up three or four times in just these months. The fights get ugly, and he sometimes says very hurtful things, which makes me defensive. We cool off quickly, cuddle, and still say “I love you,” but resentment is building.
What hurts most is the contrast. In the beginning, he was extremely affection, planned dates, surprise me with little gestures, and make me feel like the most loved person in the world. Our intimacy was incredible and constant. He did stuff for my family and cooked for them, was so gentle and kind, etc… Now, we haven’t had sex in two months, and while we still cuddle and joke around, the spark is missing. We both admit it feels different and we’re scared of losing what we had.
He sometimes holds finances over my head since he covers most bills, while I handle cleaning/household stuff. We both said we’d consider couples counseling, but he backed out because “we’re not married.” I think counseling could help, but I don’t know how to convince him. At the same time, I have a lot going for me in my life, and I don’t want to stay in a relationship where we’re just stuck fighting.
I don’t want to break up—we love each other, we’ve built a life, we have our cats and our home, and he truly has been the love of my life. But if things keep going like this, I’m afraid we’ll ruin everything. I’d have to move back home (can’t afford rent alone) and give up my cat because of my mom’s allergies. I don’t want that, but I also don’t want to live in constant fighting and no intimacy.
TL;DR: I (24F) love my boyfriend (25M) dearly, but since moving in four months ago, we’ve gone from an amazing relationship to constant fighting, no sex for two months, and building resentment. He suggested then backed out of counseling. How do we save our relationship before it falls apart?
Comments
Dam in 4 months? Breaking up multiple times within 2 years? Just go on yalls seperate ways lmao
Well, holding money against you is at minimum emotional abuse and potentially financial abuse. I hate to break it to you, but this guy is also abusive if hes saying horrible things to you and holding money against you. And the beginning where you felt special is called “love bombing” – which is also an abuse tactic.
Personally, I’d break up and move out. Then seek individual therapy for awhile.
But? If you’re determined to stay for now…still go to individual therapy. Let a therapist teach you strategies to deal with this dynamic.
You haven’t included what the fighting about chores and ‘nagging’ actually is. Is he refusing to do anything around the house because he pays more? Is the ‘nagging’ you reminding him to do…what single thing he’s responsible for (like taking out the trash or scooping the cat boxes, etc) and he lashes out at you because it needs to be done but he just doesnt care and expects you to do his ‘chores’ if he doesn’t?
Does he actually have the same values and goals as you for long term? Does he want the same relationship dynamic you do? Or does he just want to pay bills and have you leave him alone?
Really think about this. What you have now is the real relationship. The year and a half honeymoon is gone and its not coming back….mainly because he was the one who appears to have created that previous part of your relationship and he’s since decided to stop doing those things. This is really common after moving in together. You’re not alone. But you can choose a different life for yourself too. Don’t marry him, ever.