I (F25) have been dating my boyfriend (M26) for 9 months. He is such a gentle person who genuinely loves me and wants us to be together forever and I want that too but I don’t know if it will happen.
The first hesitation from me came in February where I said no to sex and he got upset about it and started going on a tangent to plan when we would have “date nights”. He would ask constantly leading up to it that it was happening and it really has just caused me to lack interest in it. When I said no to him, it was because I was so exhausted from work and I thought he would understand but he started asking if I lost interest in him or sex and if I was going to leave. Since then, whenever I can’t have sex (tired/sick or on my period) he gets upset and brings up how we only had sex once in the month and makes me promise that it will be better.
The second hesitation from me came when I mentioned I wanted to dye my hair a darker brown and he said no I won’t do it and he kept saying he won’t let it happen. I told him it’s my choice and I don’t need his permission to dye my hair. It has now gone to the whole thing if I can’t apply to a job position too far from him because I am not being considerate of him and the relationship. I applied to one job in a different city and I told him, he lost his shit and since then he keeps making me promise I won’t move there.
I’ve been patient with him because he and his family are going through a tough time and he does stay with them, he wants me to move in with them but I don’t think he wants to fully take on an adult responsibility about moving out.
If I don’t want to sit with him and play a video game, he says I’ve lost interest. If I don’t see him, he says it’s because I’m avoiding him when he knows I’m working late and have deadlines.
He is very emotionally attached to me and I have tried to tell him it’s not healthy nor fair to me to carry his feelings but he doesn’t seem to grasp it.
I am exhausted from trying but he says I’m not trying. He makes every situation about us (mainly actually him) when I am going through a difficult situation and I don’t feel supported.
How do I approach this situation in a constructive manner?
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Unfortunately, seeing your way out the door is the only likely way this will pan out for you. It’s clear he is doing his best to control you and it will only get worse. Based on these interactions you’ve mentioned, a phone breakup, or somewhere very public might need to be the location. He sounds like a loose cannon.
You’re holding onto more than you can handle… and that’s not a sign of failure, it’s a sign you’re strong enough to realize it. You’ve got the right to be with someone who actually lifts you up instead of dragging you down, because you deserve peace, not pressure.