My (F30) boyfriend (M28) lied about seeing another girl early on, made it kind of theatrical — now I’m not sure how I am supposed to feel in the relationship. He keeps minimising the issue, I keep feeling as it is a big deal. I need some external perspective on this!
Last summer, I started dating my current boyfriend (let’s call him “N”), while I was still living with my ex. The relationship with my ex had already been over for a long time — no sex, no contact, we were basically avoiding each other in the house since April 2024 after he cheated on me for the second or third time during a bachelor party. I started sleeping on the couch in August after one last failed attempt at intimacy during a vacation. We only made the breakup official on December 7, 2024, and I moved out mid-January.
N knew everything — why I was still living there, the financial/legal complications (we were almost at the point of involving lawyers, and my dad had to step in). It was a messy situation, and I didn’t feel like I had the right to ask for exclusivity. So I was aware he was seeing other girls in the beginning, but he told me it stopped pretty early and that he hadn’t been intimate with anyone else after the summer.
On December 26, he went silent for hours, and I remember asking him what he was doing. He sensed I was suspicious and said something like: “What, do you think I went out to f*ck another girl on Christmas night? Come on, you really think I’d do that?” Well… months later, he showed me a conversation with a girl where he rejected another date proposal from her — trying to show me he wasn’t seeing her anymore. But I scrolled up and boom: they were together on December 26.
I didn’t say anything at the time. Maybe I should have. But I still felt like I didn’t have the right to make a scene when I was technically still living with my ex.
Fast forward to a few days ago: we’re at lunch with friends, and N starts saying — in front of everyone — that I’m “malicious,” that I have “trust issues,” and that I often ask where he is or what he’s doing even though he’s “never given me a reason to doubt him.” He was clearly implying that I’m paranoid. So I said, “Well, Christmas night was an example.” And he goes, “Ugh, are we still on that? I told you I was at home playing zombie with my brother. You seriously have trust issues.” So I just went: “Okay then, show me your phone.” He did — confidently — thinking I didn’t know about the messages. But when I scrolled up and showed everyone… yeah. He got exposed in front of his friends, who tried (and failed) to defend him.
I honestly don’t even care that he was with that girl back then — what hurts is how he lied and gaslit me for months. I opened up to him so much about how important honesty is to me, and I’ve tried so hard to rebuild trust after my last relationship. And then this? The worst part wasn’t the lie itself, but how he kept calling me paranoid, making me feel like I was being unreasonable for months, when he knew the truth all along.
It’s still early in our relationship, but this makes me feel like I’ll never get to experience something honest and healthy. I can’t tell if this comes has a “revenge” for being “the second” for some months. I honestly thought it was something unconscious but I kind of felt this way for a sec
Also felt like I should have left after this. Even if what he did was “small,” I don’t want to waste more time with someone who isn’t genuine.
Tl;dr
I started seeing my current boyfriend while I was still living with my ex, though that relationship was already over. He knew the situation and told me he had stopped seeing other girls early on. Months later, I found out he lied about being with another girl on December 26 — something he denied and made me feel paranoid about for a long time. A few days ago, I called him out in front of friends and showed the proof. What hurt the most wasn’t the lie itself, but the gaslighting. Now I’m seriously wondering if I should leave — I don’t want to waste more time with someone who isn’t honest.
Comments
Yes you’re being gaslit . It only gets worse from there until you lose all sense of your own reality . I would definitely move on before you suffer more sorry
Hard pass.
He’s dishonest and he seems to think insulting you and humiliating you in front of his friends is a fun activity.
Take some time to be single – your picker needs better calibration.
Calling you malicious and bad-mouthing you in front of other should be enough to call this one. It doesn’t even matter if he actually did or didn’t sleep with that woman as he behavior around the issue is terrible. You don’t need to accept that behavior. I think you should consider about what you’re really asking here. If it’s validation to be mad and end it, you’re good to go.