I (F30) am the toxic one and it is ruining my relationship (M30)

My bf and I have been struggeling for a while. We have been together for over a year now. In the very beginning I was so insecure, was not really true about my past (tried to be cool, show-off with past flings out of insecurities and to make a wall). He was also not ready for a relationship and always told me that it is just casual. We both had only one messy relationship over 10 years ago.

Right before we met I was upsessed with another guy even though nothing ever really happened physically except kissing 2x.
I just wanted the attention and I honestly just wanted love. I brought that mindset into the relationship and was to be honest also not really open for something serious. Over time I actually started to really care about my now-boyfriend. However, I never was completely honest about that situation to my boyfriend. After months it created a big argument because he felt betrayed. At that argument I was very insecure and also didn’t open up completely. Which made him always feel I wasn’t telling him the full truth. Months later I told him a bit more and it was a huge fight since (understandably) he felt betrayed as I didn’t tell him the full story.

Over time, and the more I felt safe I just mentioned stuff about my past here and there. The problem some things didn’t add up to the things I told him in the beginning – either since I just can’t remember that well and/or since I made it seem a bit „better/cooler,…“ back then. (Yes I the feeling to make everything right for somebody else or the urge to be cool stems from my childhood/teens)
So he felt that I am always lying.

Last week he asked me about an intimate incident that happened a few years ago. He didn’t know details but he heard it from common friends. I didn’t want him to know and lied about it. Since he knew more details than I thought he blew up (understandably) and now thinks I lied about my life and everything about my past. I lied out of insecurity because I know how he feels about stuff like that. And I wanted him to love me more and fit into his ideas I guess. He was also very upset because I was judgy about stuff he wanted to do or did (attending a sex-positive party) as i did something similar or even wore years ago. I never mentioned that I did that but was just condescending about it. (I have different opinions about it now).

So yep, I fucked up massively. He asked my for space. We had it before a few times that everything I do or say something „wrong“ in his opinion he shuts down completely and runs assay, blocks me or needs time on his own. This time he „offered“ me low contact (trying 2x a day) but only meeting again in 2 weeks. It worked for a few days but then we had a call and I completely lost it as I was triggered. (I have massive Abonnement issues due to a sick mom growing up and other stuff). Since then we had some contact but I am acting like a crazy person. Sometimes I have a clear mind and then again I am acting out and I am being unfair. Even though he is trying to be a bigger person, move towards my direction but in his time. So he is giving me at least some contact.

So yesterday we had a lil call and it was okay. Then afterwards we chatted a bit and I just totally missed the point, made some jokes to lighten the mood but it came on really wrong. So now he said he will block me for 4 days, he has no power left in him, he is so exhausted, he can never sleep after an argument and every conversation we have since this fight I just make everything wore instead of better.

Yep, I am a mess. Is there any way of coming back? Or do I just have to accept that I completely messed this up? I have been going to therapy for 2 years, I am very insecure and never been in love to this extent. I am devastated and giving him space feels like I am dying. Any advice?

TL;DR: I lied in my relationship, was not completely honest, can’t regulate my emotions and am being totally unfair to him. I simply can’t give him space and I know I am hurting him. Is there any chance it will work out still?