My bf (M31) and I (F30) live together and have two cats. We just celebrated our three year anniversary two days ago. My bf has been in a pretty bad mood for the past week or so. Just very irritable and getting mad over really small things. He also was also in a bad mood for our anniversary. I’ve been trying to give him some slack because he’s been trying to quit marijuana this week so I thought that was why he was in a bad mood.
This morning, I woke up and my bf was in the shower. My phone hadn’t gotten on the charger right and had died so I opened my bf’s phone internet browser to check the weather since it looked like it was going to rain. It opened to a private browser from yesterday with the search, “My girlfriend is beautiful but I still find other girls more attractive.” I have no idea what searches were made before that or what he was looking at or anything.
I had to leave for work while he was still in the shower and won’t see him until I get home later tonight but I am devastated. I sobbed my entire way to work. I’m not naive enough to think that my bf doesn’t find other people attractive. Just the fact that he very, very clearly finds others more attractive than me is extremely hurtful. Plus it bothers him enough for him to be searching about it. I’m a decently attractive person and take care of myself. I know that I’m not a “perfect 10” or anything but I’m still pretty. We’re both only going to continue to age.
I’ve been sitting at my desk pretty miserable. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to ever get that search out of my head. Part of me doesn’t want to talk to him about it because I don’t want to hear my bf talk about how much more attractive other women are. Plus, I feel guilty for looking at something I clearly wasn’t supposed to see. How do I deal with this? Can this relationship even be saved at this point? How serious is this?
TDLR: I (F30) saw an internet search my bf (M31) of three years made about finding other women more attractive than me. Can a relationship go on when someone feels like that?
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“My bf has been in a pretty bad mood for the past week or so. Just very irritable and getting mad over really small things. ” Why are you in a relationship with someone that cannot communicate about issues? Instead you have to find it on his phone? You both are in your 30s and need to learn how to have effective communication. If it was not modeled to you as a child, you need to learn it as an adult since it’s an essential skill to a healthy relationship. Without it, relationships never grow past these incidents.
You know you’ll need to talk to him about this. I realise that sucks and crawling under a rock would feel better right now. Do you trust him to tell you the truth? If you do, ask him directly and try to stay open-minded through the conversation instead of shutting down. Get all the facts and then make a decision about your relationship. I’m so sorry this happened. It would have killed me too.
Relationships survive tough moments like this through honest, compassionate conversations.
Considering he’s in a bad mood lately don’t reveal anything to him. He hasn’t cheated yet and you don’t have proof that he did. Its not like he was chatting to girls online or looking for hookups. He needs to quit smoking dope, people don’t think straight on marijuana so he may have been high when he did the search. I think you should let it slide for now. His bad moods need to be addressed as they affect your mental health. Sit down and have frank discussion with him and ask him what’s bothering him and see if you can iron out his issues.
I’m so sorry for you, I can only imagine how you’re doing, I hope you’re doing a bit better now.
Here’s my 2 cents: you need to talk to him. This is the kind of talks that should be considered “deep” and not asking about where we come from (with all respect to the matter).
It’s a huge test for you both as a couple and him as a partner. Ask him gently, not attacking, and take notice of his reaction. Does he validates you and tries to explain gently what he actually was doing? Or does he dismiss your feelings and only attacks you for “checking” his phone?
I know you’re scared about the conversation but you’d have to face it. This is a great opportunity to grow, don’t fear.
You have to talk to him about this, 1) you could go for a walk and bring this up (walking helps take some of the anger off) 2) you can write him a letter and then wait for his response (writing makes your thoughts coherent)
Tried and tested methods.
I’d be asking where he’s seeing all these women, because I have a feeling he’s creating discontention in his own relationship with you by scrolling through pornhub and socials full of OF creator reels. Of course one woman he see every day could never compare to 100 novel and perfect views of different women. The fact that he is comparing you alone to the rest of them is idiotic and he needs to be informed that there are also a lot of men out there who are not only more attractive than him, but more appreciative too. You CHOSE him despite that, and if he doesn’t know he wants to choose you- stop offering yourself freely. Pull back girl. Confront this because it doesn’t go away. A lot of men research stuff like that when they’re considering if you’re “the one” or if they should leave because they’re nervous about closing the door to all others and putting pressure on the concept of you alone being satisfactory enough sexually for a lifetime. Men are addicted to novelty and they convince themselves one woman isn’t enough and they should breakup with you. He will come to his senses or won’t, but you being silent about it won’t help.
This might be a good sign that he values the relationship it seems like his “search” was searching for answers. He’s a guy, at his physical prime, lots of testosterone going on. It’s only natural for a man to be attracted to an attractive female. That’s real life. Now, will he act on it? That’s the concern you have and he needs to abstain from marijuana permanently.
I mean, you don’t have to snoop in someone’s phone to know that there’s ALWAYS someone prettier and more handsome than all of us. There’s better looking people than the Kardashians or the Pamela Andersons of the world, even the most attractive men you find beautiful.
It is a weird search though but what did he expect to find?
Have you did your own search using those same words? I did, and it’s mostly Reddit posts and saying it’s normal.
Maybe he needed confirmation that it was normal …🤷🏻♂️
u/RevolutionaryCare869
What I find a bit odd is that he had to look it up… Maybe he thinks it’s not normal, somehow? But I feel that if you tell him what you found in his private browser, he might feel you invaded his privacy.
The truth is that people will very often find others attractive (outside of their partners). I think that is pretty normal… It’s not like being in a relationship makes us blind.
The main thing is what people do about that.
(For ex., my husband and I have often found other people attractive, but have never done anything to pursue them, if you know what I mean. We have a trusting relationship.)
I know you feel bad about this, but – sorry, OP – I truly don’t think it merits sobbing about it.
What you need to do is talk about your relationship / communication as a whole when there is a space to do it (he is not in bad mood, and you are calmer).
If things don’t get better, enough to have a conversation, then consider if the relationship has run its course.
Worth having a convo over. Here’s another perspective you can dwell on. There’s clearly no one as attractive as you should him at the moment. Which is why he’s searching the Internet. Maybe he’s just honestly curious to know if he’s landed the best looker, or how you rank overall. I mean, it’s all pure speculation, of course. It could be totally something else.