When I was 19, I worked a part time job while in college. I was working with my manager one night and it was really slow. We went the last 3 hours before closing just talking. I didn’t take any of it as flirting, I knew he was married, and he was 10 years older, I didn’t think anything of it.
Shortly after this, he texted me while I was in class. It was normal conversation until he said “you’re so adorable”. I didn’t shut him down, and we continued texting the whole night.
Things from there escalated pretty quickly. We talked all the time. He would call me, he’d come see me at work, and eventually we even started hanging out.
One day after walking me to my car after a closing shift, he kissed me. We text each other every night, very late into the night. That night, he asked me to come to his place as soon as she left work around 7am. So I would go to his house, then go to class. This became almost an every day thing.
He knew I was very inexperienced (I had only been with my ex boyfriend). He said he had no issues going slow and started me his girlfriend. However, he made a “rules”, no pants when we’d be snuggling. Which quickly turned into us sleeping together. This went on for about 6 months. We said I love you, everything. He became almost controlling, where he’d be mad if I was “too friendly” with other guys.
His wife found out about him calling me and he had to stop calling me cell. He would always call me at the store when I was working, and would come by frequently. We stopped hanging out.
He ended up leaving the store but would still call. They gradually slowed down, I never asked for an explanation, I was confused because he said all these things to me that were obviously not true.
Then he called the store and was unhappy I was with a new guy. He said he didn’t want to see me in love with someone else, and blocked me on social media.
We haven’t talked in almost 10 years. I am married to the guy he was angry about. We have a baby.
I’ve sat on this a very long time and feel awful about it all. I want to apologize to his wife. I know it doesnt change anything but I know I’ve caused her pain.
Is this something worth doing?
Edit: I hear you all loud and clear – I will not be reaching out!
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Uhh, no. She does not want to hear an apology from you now. Leave that poor woman alone and don’t dredge up a painful past for her just to abate some of your own guilt.
To me, it seems that you shouldn’t. If you wanted to apologize then, it could have changed something.
But the larger issue here is that she had to learn her husband was taking advantage of a teenager, I would argue that you are also a victim of him in some way.
You were young and he was a superior. I would just hope that they’re divorced now. It could’ve been a blessing she found a good, solid reason to divorce her groomer husband.
I don’t think opening old wounds is going to be beneficial to her.
No. She doesn’t want your apology and all you’re doing is bringing up a terribly traumatic time for her, regardless of what she’s doing now. Now, if they’re still married and you want to make it clear to her that her husband is a dangerous predator then that’s different.
Yes, I would say it’s worth doing. For you certainly, because you’ve been carrying this burden for a decade. For her, maybe because the way you tell the story, it’s possible that she doesn’t know fully what happened. And also, because men who do that don’t change. There were and are probably other side pieces after you. Regarding that, are you sure they’re still married?
No
If it makes you feel better try r/confessions
It’s not wrong to feel guilty and want to apologize.. he was equally responsible so dont hold all that guilt. You were still pretty young. is she still with him? Does she know the “severity” of you guys relationship when she found out?
Leave her alone. She will not want to be reminded
Leave her be. This is a selfish thing that only serves you.
MOVE ON.
Sounds like unnecessary drama.
Almost like you want her husband to know you’re in love with someone else, since he stated how much it would bother him and that statement is so prominent in your mind that you’ve included it as part the of the story here..
Not even a mention about the wife really until the last sentence.
They’ve moved on. You should too.
This isn’t going to help her. She has moved on already. This is about relieving your own guilt, and that’s selfish. She’s the victim.
Honestly, I wouldn’t. It’s obvious you feel guilt about the situation, and you were young and made mistakes that definitely shouldn’t have been made. However, the only reason you want to reach out is probably to ease the guilt you feel about the situation. You want closure and to know you apologized about the situation, which is really all you can do, but there’s no point in reaching out to the poor woman 10 years later bringing up old memories that she probably doesn’t like reliving. At the end of the day you knew he was married and still made the choices you made, so going to the woman whose marriage you had a part in breaking up (not saying it’s ALL your fault, the husband is absolutely to blame if not more) is just selfish in my opinion. I can’t imagine that she’d take it well and even if she did, you’d just be opening the wound again. I’d say maybe talk to a professional about it, as i am just a stranger on reddit lol. But work through your guilt and really question if you want to write an apology for her or for you. What do you really want to get out of the apology? Does your husband know about what happened, and what are his thoughts on reaching out? Best of luck op!
I get it, you’re feeling guilty big time, but trust me, dredging up old wounds ain’t ever gonna help. Just focus on your own journey, yeah?
Do you want to apologize for her or do you want to apologize for you?
Imagine being the wife, and your husband’s affair partner tries to come back into your life just to try to get rid of their own guilt. It’s selfish. Don’t.
This is a ridiculous idea. Why do you want to re-traumatise this woman and pop back into her mind after 10 years? Leave her alone. She deserves peace and not to hear from you if nothing else.
No. This will do nothing for her. Stay out of her life.
Why did we need to know this
This is to bring you peace but it won’t bring her any. It’ll just dig back up hurt that she’s tried to heal from. You need to accept the peace for yourself and move on.
She might not know you slept together. She might just think it was phone texting.
Don’t open a can of worms. She might go crazy on you and your new life.
There is some research that indicates that apologies offer more relief to the person apologizing than to the person being apologized to.
In particular because this apology is coming so late, I don’t expect it will do anything but bring up a painful past for her. You’ll need to find a different way to move on from this for yourself.
You are writing a post like this 11 years after the incident? Are you insane? Leave these people alone, you broke up a marriage and cheated on your boyfriend and now your trying to farm karma 11 years later, go seek help
I don’t think you are looking for her. I think you want him to apologise to you. You sound like you are still in pain from what happened.
Why the h3ll would you think that 10 years later anyone would want to hear from you? Especially to tell them you had s3x with their husband. Because you are feeling guilty?
You dont get to potentially ruin somebody else’s life to assauge your feelings. Go sit back down.
Write out a letter and if she ever reaches out you have what you need to communicate your regrets and remorse.
Even though he was older, steal clear of putting all the blame on him. You were an adult, even if naive, and you made selfish choices. Had he been a lot nicer, perhaps it would have lasted longer no?
You’d only be doing this to ease your conscience – it would give her absolutely nothing but pain.
Don’t be so selfish that you hurt her in your search for absolution for fooling around with her creepy husband.
Also? You’re getting very close to your husband finding out about all this. Let sleeping dogs lie.
ETA: I see your husband knows and supports you. You’re lucky.
Hahaha, the shit some women do to feel better about themselves 🤣
Have some shame & more importantly some self awareness (for once). Leave her alone.
So now because you have a change of heart, a decade later, you want to lift your conscience? Here is the thing about energy, it is never destroyed, it is just transferred. Telling that woman will help you sleep better at night while causing her restlessness. He was wrong, dead ass wrong for messing around, but even though you were young, you were an adult and played a role in his misdeeds. Let it go, love your family, and best believe he is living with his mistakes.
What do you want her to say? “I forgive you”? It sounds like you’re seeking validation from this woman who’s life you could have ruined. “Oh I’m sorry but I’ve grown now! Aren’t I great?” She does not owe you that. She has moved on with her life and so should you. Get therapy.
She does not want to talk to you.
You don’t necessarily need to apologise. He was the one cheating, so if it wasn’t you it would be another woman anyway. She knew that her husband was seeing another woman and was interested in her romantically and yet she still didn’t leave and they are still married. Plus it’s been so long so you should let go of it. Apologising to her now would just reopen the wound which would do more harm than good.
I’m sure that dude moved onto another girl after he left your job. Once a cheater always a cheater so even if you did apologize I’m sure there are other women he’s been with.
Forget telling the wife .. Does your husband know about this?
Sounds like you just want to make yourself feel better.
Seems to me guilt is a reasonable consequence for this action. Honestly the fact that you do feel guilty is a positive for you, it means you probably will make better choices in the future. It’s supposed to work like this.
I’m glad you came to that conclusion. I won’t go into it but basically you reaching out is more of you wanting consolidation for what happened because anyone would feel guilty. But what’s done is done! No need to reopen a 10 year wound for either of you. You did your part in moving on 🙂
I would want to know. Rather my world crushes and I build it up new that living a lie with a disgusting man
You cannot undo the past. Contacting her would be toxic and unwanted by most.
Absolutely do not do that. Just get on with your life and do better.
Leave her alone. You don’t get to deal with your guilt by making her relive the past.
wow this is a shit show. if you have any decency left you’ll live with the guilt. don’t put it on her.
Absolutely do NOT do this.
This woman has had ten years to find her inner peace and heal from all the crap her jerk (hopefully ex) husband put her through. The LAST thing she needs is for you to come skipping back into her life and reopen old wounds. Your “apology” won’t mean anything to her, but it will be a reminder of the betrayal and will bring back ALL those horrible feelings she thought she had put behind her.
Leave this poor woman alone.
You need to live with your guilt. Nothing can absolve you. This is the price you’ve paid, it’s part of growing and learning.
Seems to me that you want to put yourself back on this guy’s radar.
It’s time to forgive yourself for something stupid and selfish you did as a teenager. But it’s not on this woman to help you do that and telling her you’re sorry now is not not for her but for yourself
If this was immediately after things were ending, sure. Expose him. But 10 years later, the only thing you’re doing is clearing your conscience at the expense of her peace. Leave the woman alone.
If his wife didn’t already know about the affair, that would be one thing. But she already knows about it, so the only thing you’d be doing is dredging up the past all these years later in order to assuage your own sense of guilt, not to help her. It seems like now that you’re in her shoes as a married woman, suddenly your perspective has changed…. Hopefully unlike her, you won’t have to contend with your husband having an affair with a younger woman, and hopefully you’ll raise your kid to make much better choices than you did. Meet with a therapist to reflect on why you had an affair with a married man, but leave her alone.
You remind me of Bojack trying to apologize to Herb
https://youtu.be/K03Y2FP9qhI?si=ZF4yLpVbXSgtU3S6
No. That is not going to help her.
Work through this by yourself. Might I suggest therapy?
You’ve been carrying this for years and it’s understandable you feel guilty, but reaching out now might not help her heal, it could reopen old pain. You’re doing better now, and that matters more than anything else.