As the title says; I don’t have sex with my partner as often as he wants /needs. I can’t take seeing him unhappy. My heart is breaking. Idk if i can keep this post up – i’m afraid he’ll see it. does loving someone mean setting them free?
I’m in tears today because I don’t know what to do. We love each other a lot but this has been a talking point from the beginning of our rs.
For myself a few times per month would be fine or a couple times p week. He did say from the beginning he wanted more and in the past year I have tried to “give him more”. I thought meeting somewhere like at 2-4 times per week was a good middle way but today i had to face the harsh reality that he is unhappy and unsatisfied and i’m heartbroken.
He wants to sleep with me everyday and he gets excited and in the mood several times per day. And he says he will hurt physically if he doesn’t release himself. Also: sex is his way of connecting emotionally. I should mention that we somewhat connect differently emotionally..
Anyway, so I said I’ll be okay with every second or third day or so but I enjoy it more when we are both in the mood, and on the days when I am not in the mood or physically can’t like the day before yesterday for example, I will still finish him off, but no penetration. I’ll give him oral or a handjob, which I don’t mind at all. I want him to be happy. Just, I also depending on my cycle don’t have the same high sex drive 30 days a month wanting penetrative sex.
However today I woke up to him not sleeping in our bed anymore, lying with pillows on the floor, telling me he had been up all night. He says he has pain and his balls hurt, i feel blame but he also blames himself and says he feels guilty, says he knows he is asking for a lot. He would cry, blame himself, and give me the silent treatment while I try to console him and tell him we will continue to find a way as a couple bc we love each other.
I’m at a loss. I cry a lot. In general he complains I don’t do enough for him, his birthday wasn’t good enough, presents weren’t good enough and this is just another thing but a major one. I’m so devastated because I do try to do things for him, find nice gifts, give him “more” physical connection, compromise, but i can’t help but wonder if another woman may give him just what he needs in a relationship to feel connected and satisfied. Is there something we can do about this issue?
I hope for us to stay together and he also doesn’t want to break up but about these points we are both unhappy, and feeling like we are making the other unhappy. we are somehow incompatible in the way we show love and communicate… many other aspects of our relationship are good and most importantly we love each other so very deeply and are committed. We have just started building our life together. Is there anything I can / we can do?
tldr; my partner wants sex everyday and I can’t – we connect differently- does loving him mean that I need to let him go to be happy? Is there something I can do differently? Find middle ground?
edited for clarity.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
> However today I woke up to him not sleeping in our bed anymore, lying with pillows on the floor, telling me he had been up all night. He says he has pain and his balls hurt, i feel blame but he also blames himself and says he feels guilty, says he knows he is asking for a lot. He would cry, blame himself, and give me the silent treatment while I try to console him and tell him we will continue to find a way as a couple bc we love each other.
Sis, he is 27 and acting like a 13 year old who just hit puberty. Dump this guy, he has a lot of growing up to do and you deserve better.
Sound abnormal if wanting to jerk off every singlr day and how often in a day
Sounds like your not compatible.
When you love someone and try to force compatibility all you will ever feel is pain, because it’ll never be right
if his balls hurt so bad he should see a doctor. blue balls and pain from not ejaculating is being wildly overblown by him.
27 years old? His balls hurt? What the heeeeell.
You’re not a sex machine and you shouldn’t be forcing yourself. Its okay to not want to have sex everyday – i wonder if there is more he could do to make you want to have sex as well and if it is as stimulating for you.
Maybe this is a bit blunt but I think he sounds kinda cruel, a lot of this sounds like he’s putting a lot of emotional pressure on you in a very unfair way
I dont think the problem is with you at all, it sounds like he’s being overdramatic with sleeping on the floor and saying his balls hurt too much to sleep; like that is a bit too nuts.
It sounds like he’s trying to coerce you into doing this more often then you’re comfortable with and that isnt right
The whole “birthday wasn’t good enough, presents weren’t good enough” sounds like a pattern of manipulative behaviour too
All of this is just how I feel reading all that from an outsiders POV though of course I wont know the situation as well as you but to me it feels like you aren’t at all in the wrong. I understand that this person is your partner but that treatment is really unfair from him
How does he treat your general boundaries? Do you think setting up clear boundaries like “I’m happy to be intimate on the days when I’m physically and emotionally available, but I need you to respect that I can’t meet that need every single day” could help?
It could be worth maybe talking to a therapist together?
Im sorry your boyfriend is a lying sack of shit and is only a taker and mot a giver. First off, there is no such thing as that much “physical pain” in his balls if he doesnt have sex with you, that is the biggest bullshit I’ve heard. Before he dated you he had no issue going days without sex so dont believe his sob story. Even if that were to be true, he can jerk himself off, nobody is stopping him from getting his own release. His complaints and “need” for sex would have me more saying the guy needs to go seek help for possible addiction if its that extreme. But honestly, his actions tell me more he’s just trying to emotionally manipulate you for sex.
But ask yourself these questions on is he truly a giver or even meeting you halfway in your relationship. Does he willingly go down on you? Does he make sure you orgasm every time you have sex? Does he make sure your birthdays are done up like he wants? Does he do small things for you without you asking? If the answer is no to multiple or all of these, then you have a boyfriend who is selfish and a dirtbag and I know you may love him, but he is a partner that only looks put for himself, not you
There is no “pain” from not ejaculating. This sounds bad. I’d love twice a week, that’d be awesome! Seriously though guy needs a reality check.
So, if he’s in pain, he can release that easily. It sounds like he’s putting this all on you in a way that’s not super healthy.
The thing with partnership is sometimes compromising. This needs to be from both you and him. I would talk about love languages, what makes you feel emotionally connected and find a balance. If that doesn’t work, you might not be sexually compatible. Sex drive can change over time too. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship where I felt constant guilt for not wanting intimacy constantly.
Sounds like he is manipulating you to get what he wants and plays you like a child. Your balls dont hurt when you dont have daily sex that is crazy.
Throwing all the pillows off the bed is a tantrum. This guy sounds terrible.
like wtf did i just read: He says he has pain and his balls hurt.
A man can go for months without sex and without his balls hurting, so first time i hear something like this.
Perhaps he is hypersexual or nymphomaniac and need to seek medical help. So go to an urologist and get him tested, perhpas there is some underlying condition, perhaps not.
If not, just break up and move on, cause he behaves like a horny teenager with no self control.
He is either trying to manipulate you into having more sex with him by claiming to be in serious pain, or he needs to see a doctor for said pain. Next time he claims to be hurting that bad, offer to take him to the ER.
This is abuse….. flat out.
He is being such a manipulative, immature asshole. Dump this man. There are other ways for men to feel connected to their partners than sex. Men who say that are a walking red flag. Have some self respect, and find someone more aligned with you and your boundaries/wants/needs. You matter too.
What a manipulating child. He has 3 year old melt down. Picture this what if you go out of town or away for a couple of days. He need his pacifier. That sex. I’m guessing he is not even good. He is using you as a sex toy.
He sounds like nothing is good enough. Not you, presents, food. Why are you with this guy.
Thank you everyone for your opinions and some nuanced answers and advice.
There seem to be a lot of questions / comments about the “pain part” so I thought i’d comment on this: He says it hurts bc he gets hard several times per day because I quote: he “loves me so much”. He gets hard every time we hug or kiss, that is true and yes I was also of the opinion that blue balls and unbearable pain would be the result of weeks or months without sex. I just tried not to devalue what he said and make any judgment about something that I wouldn’t know about being a woman without a penis. He says that he did not want to masturbate when I suggested it because he is afraid he wouldn’t be able to cum by piv penetration anymore.
after a handjob he will say that it is now harder to cum by normal penetration but if i don’t do it i also feel guilty-i don’t know how to keep the peace.
Idk guys, I feel like I can’t do anything right, but he is not malicious about it.
why is he still with you if he is dissatisfied with every single aspect of the relationship? just break up
You’ll never make him happy, he’ll just ask for more and more. If he hurt so bad last night, why didn’t he go in the bathroom and take care of himself?
Your bf’s a manipulative jerk. You should really consider ending this relationship.
You don’t need this problem in your life. I think he can take care of himself and is being a whiney selfish boy. Get him out of your life.
He absolutely needs to see a doctor. If he is literally crying from pain, it’s not blue balls. Also I don’t understand why he wouldn’t just masturbate? This is very fishy to me.
He either needs to see a doctor or be less of a baby. Imagine crying over “only” getting blowjobs and handjobs daily.
I think you need to think about your happiness. How much stress is this putting on you over something that should be a minor issue? If he needs sex everyday, and you are a few times a month type of gal, maybe you should break up.
Relationships are full of compromising. Even with someone with a high libidio life in general isn’t going to allow couples to enjoy sex multiple times a day 365 days a year. It just isn’t feasible.
While men can have discomfort from an erection and not having sex, which is called epididymal hypertension, it only seconds until the erection fades and normally doesn’t last long. Certainly not as long as he is trying to get you to believe. This is manipulation at its worse.
Men can control this by taking a shower, exercising, lifting weights, apply a warm compress or getting distracting by playing a video game or focusing on a work project. Anything to get their mind off of sex.
Just based off what you posted here, he is a top class manipulator. If he is having that much pain i would suggest he seek help with a therapist specializing in hyper sexual issues or a physician to determine if there is anything wrong physically. My gut is telling me he is just highly narcissistic and wants things his way.
I would implore you to stop having sex with a little boy. This man seems so unstable! He really needs some counseling FFS! So manipulative too.
Dump this dude. “Oh my balls!!” Give me a fucking break. He’s manipulating you and it’s working. Move on
Sex isn’t a need, it’s a want, and if he’s in pain he should go to the doctors.
But basically you two aren’t secually compatible and if that’s a big deal to him you aren’t emotionally compatible either. So yes, it’s break up time.
The worst break ups are with someone you still love/like but it just isn’t working. Doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do. Better to do it now before you get to the point of hating each other.
Oh my eyes hurt from reading about such behavior. Does he have hyperspermia?? His requirements and how he acts is just absurd.. gosh how it pains me to read that it leads to you crying over such a teenage lummox. I’ve had very high libido for decades but I do something about it, I dont expect others to fix my biological cravings. Please go easy on yourself. Don’t force yourself to have to put up with that which is extreme, like this is.
Your bf is actually a huge bag of dogshit, sorry to say. What do your friends say when you tell them how he behaves and the things he expects from you?
Sexually you are incompatible. On top of that he’s acting like a pubescent teenager over exaggerating his blue ball syndrome.
manipulation
Offer to take him to the ER, because that “pain” is just not a thing.
Girl let him go. Not because he deserves someone better, but because you do.
Sounds like nothing you’ll do for him will ever be enough to him. In any area.
Don’t do this to yourself. Your enough and you do enough. It’s not your fault his cup always feels empty. Something he needs to work on.
What a manipulative jerk. Honestly, how you can even maintain any kind of attraction to a man who treats you this way and acts this childishly is beyond me.
You are tying yourself in knots to please a man who doesn’t give a shit about you or your comfort or what you want. He would happily treat you like a Fleshlight if you allowed it, and he’s not that far off right now.
Nobody actually needs to come multiple times a day, and if he does, that’s a medical issue he should see a doctor about. And he also is fully capable of getting himself off. He is such an asshole for making you feel guilty for not “satisfying” him multiple times a day. I’m guessing he’s not particularly into making sure you have a good time during sex too, because I recognize the type. This is 100% a him problem.
Please dump this whiny, selfish, overdramatic, immature loser and date an adult.
Ain’t no way a 31 year old man is laying on the floor, crying, saying his balls hurt from not cumming. I don’t believe this is real life. The harsh reality is that he is a man child and you need to move on. This is insane behaviour from an adult.
I encourage you to get a hold of yourself. You are not responsible for his happiness or any other emotion that he feels and vice-versa. Why are you taking this on?
What is it you love about this loser?
This is insane manipulation.. set that man free. He can’t respect your feelings and is trying to manipulate you. Is that realistically something you can deal w long term? Is this long/term? Like are you gonna get married? Probably not. Let him go and find someone less selfish who will respect you. Men’s testicles do not physically hurt without sex. Blue balls are not a thing. That’s HS shit. Gtfo
It’s very rare for two partners to always line up perfectly with their libido, which is why masturbation is still important in a relationship. Why exactly does he put this pressure entirely on you, you two seem to have great intimacy otherwise. The issue here isn’t his libido but more so the fact he makes it your responsibility, that’s not fair to you or any partner he ends up with. So you need to have a talk with him and tell him this isn’t fair to you and he needs to take responsibility for himself, if he’s unable to even attempt to work at it then move on and find someone more compatible that won’t do this to you. He can find someone who fits his needs better, as it is currently I only see this making resentment in the relationship and you both being unhappy. This isn’t about you not being able to satisfy him, this is about him placing unrealistic expectations on you.
If he’s genuinely in this much pain over not having sex for such a short amount of time he needs to see a doctor, this isn’t a normal level of “blue balls”. However again need to point out this still isn’t your responsibility.
I fell for this kind of shitty manipulative bullshit when I was young too. He is absolutely pathetic and is trying to shame/force you to say Yes more because clearly No doesn’t mean No to him, it means “keep whining and pleading and begging and saying it hurts blah blah until I get my way and can use her like a sex doll as many times a day as I want to”. He does not respect or love you. You deserve better.