I have literally asked him so many times not to have the volume on. It overstimulates me massively, I have zero peace in our home between that and him constantly playing guitar. When we moved into our new apartment the one thing I asked is that this time around our bedroom be a quiet place for sleeping as I am an extremely light sleeper and need silence and full dark. There is no place in this home that belongs to me because we turned the den in our 1+den into a music studio for him. We bought a new TV and then what would you know the old one ended up in our bedroom.
I pictured myself watching it when I was sick in bed or if I was having a lazy morning so I conceded that fight but my husband puts it on every night because he likes to fall asleep with it on. He knows exactly how I feel about this, I hate this, but to make it even worse he will put something on and then scroll at full volume at the same time. Every day. And then if I ask nicely to turn it down he treats me like I’m being an unreasonable controlling bitch. I literally do not ever have my phone volume on. He literally has a full monopoly on the noise level in this house. I can read subtitles and captions and find it unnecessary. I don’t have noisy hobbies.
I decided the other night to turn my volume up while he had his up and the TV on to make a point and he got pissed at me and said I was being super petty and childish. I’m losing my mind and I have zero desire to be intimate with this selfish man. I wear ear plugs every night because he also snores so even though I wait for him to sleep so I can turn the TV off and sleep myself, he starts snoring loudly within about ten minutes. This feels like torture sometimes, but if I get fed up enough to nudge him to try and make him stop for at least a few minutes he gets super angry and acts like I’m being abusive for waking him out of his sleep.
He scrolls at full volume during the day in literally any situation, at a restaurant, beside me on the couch watching TV. If I say something when we’re at home he says it’s his home too and he is allowed to do what he wants in his home. I feel like a crazy person but I’m honestly thinking of just leaving when this lease is over. It’s not like he doesn’t have good qualities and sometimes I think maybe I’m overreacting but in my opinion you should let the person who wants peace have it and wear goddamn headphones if you must hear what you’re watching. What does reddit think of this?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I’d turn off the internet in my house if someone does that.
This sounds like he is completely not respecting your requests and what you’re asking of him. My next question would be does he understand that he is at risk of losing you if he continues to not respect what you say? If he’s aware of this risk I would say it’s a huge red flag, although this is huge to you, it’s small compared to other things he could not respect you saying. It says a lot about his respect for you and the relationship. I would sit down and lay it out exactly how you explained it to us. There’s a possibility he is completely unaware of the behavior if he doesn’t take you serious, or genuinely isn’t aware of how loud/annoying he is being.
This would drive me mad. Regardless of the noise, he is clearly showing he doesn’t respect your needs and doesn’t even care that he isn’t. I wouldn’t be staying with someone who has so much disdain for me.
There is no greater disservice to music, than playing on a phone at full volume. It’s horrific.
It’s perfectly reasonable that he wear headphones if he wants to scroll through videos all the time. Depending on the TV, you can also connect headphones to that too (I have a Roku TV, it’s easy through the phone app)
I would be very real with him that if he can’t respect your need for peace, you can’t live together. You don’t want to live your whole life overstimulated, that sounds like a nightmare.
this man doesnt even like you
Okay, what’s so good about him that you won’t leave his ass?
He doesn’t seem to respect you in any way. What will you do next?
He has no respect for you. You’re his spouse and he should take your needs into consideration. If he’s unwilling to do this then you should leave
He is rude and self centered.
You can’t control his behavior, but you can give “consequences”. He needs to know that you’re serious. Have you discussed with him that you’re considering leaving him if the selfishness doesn’t change?
Does he know that Bluetooth headphones exist? I have a friend who is 88 years old and she uses hers all the time.
nobody comes to reddit to be told to suck it up and stay.
WHOLE MAN DISPOSAL SERVICE
Is he experiencing hearing loss? Or has he always done this? If its hearing loss, he may not register why you’re having a problem with it.
I think he’s lucky you haven’t killed him in his sleep.
that is called disgust and contempt…
I remember being on a red eye from Seattle to NYC and someone was in their seat watching a video on the phone at full volume for everyone to hear. The flight attendant very nicely asked him to please use headphones. He looked around and threw up his hands as if to say, “What the fuck? How am I supposed to do that?”
Your boyfriend wouldn’t happen to be about 6’0 (183 cm), heavy set with a Long Island (or maybe New Jersey) accent who could pass for a Joe Rogan impersonator and would have had reason to fly from Seattle to NYC on Jet Blue just before thanksgiving of 2018?
Anyway, is he inconsiderate in other ways? That lack of basic consideration for others sounds like a symptom of much bigger issues, and this is just the most obvious way his oblivious selfishness manifests. Has he given any reason why he can’t wear headphones?
Any reconciliation here would require that he is willing to acknowledge that he is sharing a space with someone else and he needs to be considerate. Asking him not to snore is not reasonable, but asking him not to watch TV in the bedroom when you’re sleeping is, asking him to wear headphones is also reasonable. But if he’s unwilling to show even the minimal baseline courtesy, this problem will escalate, so I’d divorce over it.
This is so incredibly inconsiderate and mean spirited of him. Is there any possibility he’s getting hard of hearing?
Is there any reason why he can’t wear earphones?
Between that and the snoring, you must be at the end of your tether. I think it would be good for you to find some techniques that help you relax independent of him and maybe for the moment, outside of the home.
Life is short but it is also long, especially dealing with difficult situations. For me, at 46 and having promised myself not to ever lose a nights sleep over a snoring hog again, my advice is to do whatever it takes to bring about some silence and peace into your life. He’s not listening to you, he doesn’t care how you feel. Maybe the idea of an ultimatum has crossed your mind. Don’t lower yourself to that. You need to do the caring for yourself and put yourself first because he isn’t.
You married a man you are not compatible with and doesn’t seem to even want to negotiate or work with you. Your call. Surely this basic incompatibility was evident before you married? ! so why did you marry him?