Long read so thanks if you get through it
My bf and I have been together almost a decade- the first 6 years or so being pretty much perfect. Unfortunately my mental health dipped quite badly in 2022/2023 but instead of confronting it I just pretended everything was fine (lots of trauma from working medical field and a death in the family excuses excuses) I started drinking pretty much 2 bottles of wine a week, sometimes three, which my partner often complained about but I was good at having the occasional week off to make it look okay. I had never had money and suddenly got given a huge amount. Due to not getting shifts at work/ over spending on gifts/ alcohol and food I couldn’t afford before in ended up spending pretty much all of it. I kept this from him and he found out in early 2024 (just nine months after I had received the money) he was not impressed , I honestly thought he would leave and it took a long time for us to heal but we did. He asked me to show commitment to saving and transparency and also to get mental health work/ therapy I have since learned how to save and now have quite impressive savings and feel in control of spending. But I never did the therapy, tried a couple of times on phone call assessments but felt so uncomfortable and did not know what to say. (I have never been good at talking about feelings) However, the drinking continued. Recently I hit another stressful time during work and, still drinking 1/2 bottles of wine a week I wanted to numb out the stress more but didn’t want him to worry or see the amount. I bought 200ml bottles of wine to have randomly on a week day if I wanted to just zone out. He ofcorse noticed a change in my behaviour and suspected something after a month or so of this, he then found the stash of bottles and also sweet wrappers (sugar seems to be an issue too which ends up being a bad cycle of eating unhealthy then starving my self the next day- not great) He was very upset, felt betrayed and now says he loves me but this goes beyond love. He doesn’t want to continue these patterns and doesn’t know if he wants to still be together.
I understand completely how he feels but I wish he saw the positive changes I did make and my capacity for growth. Things just became too much for me again. At the same time I can hear how much I’m trying to justify my bad behaviour.
He says he will get therapy, and I am now signed up too. I am also just cutting out alcohol completely cause at the end of the day just cause you’re not getting black out drunk or even drinking each day it’s still an issue if it’s a crutch and hiding things is a red flag. He will go away tomorrow to spend time at home again like he did back in 2024 when this happened before. I’m not coping well with it. I am trying to give him space but I have asked him if he will leave me when he comes back and if I should prepare myself. He says he needs to work on himself and he loves me but he doesn’t want to say yes or no when I ask him that.
Has anyone been through something similar? Are love and effort to change enough? I love him more than anything and genuinely don’t want to imagine my life with out him. Also I want to change for myself too- I just wish I stuck in with therapy the first time round and worked until it worked.
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This kind of behavior ruins lives and is not worth the stress, I hope for his sake he makes a clean break. I wish you success in controlling yourself in the future and hope therapy helps at some point.
Nobody can tell you what will happen, but a positive outcome is far more likely if you put in the effort and make the changes you need to make. Your drinking, in particular, is excessive and unhealthy. Your life will be better if you stop drinking and commit to being healthier overall, regardless of what he does.