This week I was on my husbands computer doing some household finance stuff. I had downloaded a bank statement and when I went to the download folder, I noticed a picture of a young women in a bikini. Turns out it was our neighbors daughter who is at college.
I started searching for where it could have come from. There was nothing in the browser history. I found her social media accounts and the picture wasn’t on those. My husbands password manager was logged in and I started going through it and found his username and password to the subscription site. I logged in and he is subscribed to her and 3 others(no one I know). This devastated me.
He avoided me seeing the payments by using a credit card site and the payments came up as a fishing site. I added it all up and it’s almost $3k just this year. We are well off so it didn’t affect us, but that is a lot to spend on something like this.
It’s been two days since I found out and I’m not sure how to proceed. I think he knows that something is up because he is asking if I’m ok. I had to make up a story about my friend going through some stuff. I’m so angry and can hardly look at him. We were intimate last night and I almost threw up afterwards.
Do I proceed with a divorce? I’m not sure I have the money to be on my own. My kids are in high school and part of me thinks I should wait until they are gone and then leave.
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
I’m sorry for your situation. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him and see if your marriage is worth saving. Exhaust as many options as possible while working to building up a savings in-case you do need to proceed with a divorce. Watching porn is one thing but to have pictures of your neighbors daughter would rub me the wrong way too,
I think paying specific people for porn (like only fans) is cheating. The fact he sought out someone he knows is even worse. Also she’s barely older than your own kids. The whole situation is beyond disgusting
I’m so sorry.
The go-to advice is see a lawyer and make sure you are clear on your options and resources before proceeding, since you can safely stay in the home.
Feel free to contract an upset tummy that excuses all kinds of mysterious behavior and appointments while you get this sorted out.
As the child of divorced parents I can tell you that parents who stay together for the kids are more disruptive than parents who don’t.
Last of all — you have no obligation to protect his secret. You don’t have to be the one who tells them, but you can absolutely tell him that you all together will acknowledge that the cause is unfaithful behavior on his part, or at minimum that he will says it’s not your fault and it’s his responsibility for this actions.
Too many times women are made the bad guy because they look like they’re the ones splitting up a family, because of keeping that secret.
It’s not just pornography, it’s a known person
I had a therapist recommend to be to start the process secretly. See an attorney/financial planner. Look for an apartment or home that you would love to live in. Dream of a wonderful life and work towards it. See if you really want to divorce.
Try therapy by yourself or see if marriage counseling is possible. Looking at young women may make him feel attractive, a desire to feel young, and even a sense of status or ego boost. It may not always be indicative of harmful intentions. These urges sound minor but since he uses a fishing alias, he is feeling like it is wrong.
I think the bigger issue is that he is hiding/lying about this aspect of his life. Again marriage counseling if you want to consider staying in the marriage. I don’t judge him because I don’t know if it is morally wrong.
Yeah sorry, it being a neighbor is so weird. So it’s more than just paying her for the content because after he sees it he knows there’s a chance of running into her or seeing her around. So creepy, especially given the age difference. Say nothing and talk to a lawyer to sort out your options. I’m so sorry.
I’m super lax about porn . OF is a hard boundary for me… someone he knows?! I’d lose it. Get your ducks in a row. Get your alimony and child support and bounce.
Wow. What a creep he is. First, start getting your ducks in a row. Start saving money secretly. Hire a lawyer. They can help you
Your decision will affect the entire family so have a family meeting, then lay it out. Maybe there’s an innocent explanation. Give him a chance to explain.
see a lawyer prepare for divorce
TELL HER PARENTS!
If they are paying for her college? They should know that she is selling her bikini pictures too creepy neighbours
Subscribe him to some guys’ content, then ask him what’s wrong?
/s
All jokes aside, it seems very odd and very creepy to have the next-door collage aged kid on that list. Even if she is away at college… like?
There are plenty of free alternatives to that type of thing. So to pay for it is like an escort, etcetera. At least, in my opinion. I don’t know if recovery from such a thing is an option. Depends on you and him at this point.
How do you even bring something like this up?
“Where’s your fishing gear? I see you spent just over $ 3000 on it this year already.”
Why are you making up stories about your friends going through stuff to explain your feelings?
Tell him that you know he has spent 3k just this year on pictures of young women, including your neighbour’s daughter.
Tell him that you are not interested in continuing a marriage with someone who is paying for this content.
And tell him that you will be telling your neighbour to make sure that when their daughter is home from college they should make sure not to let him anywhere near her.
He will shit his pants.
>We were intimate last night and I almost threw up afterwards.
I think this is the proof that you are beyond the point of reconciling. I don’t think that’s a feeling that would ever subside, nor is it one you should force yourself to endure.
>Do I proceed with a divorce? I’m not sure I have the money to be on my own. My kids are in high school and part of me thinks I should wait until they are gone and then leave.
I grew up with friends whose parents should have divorced but didn’t, of which my wife is one, and it was not good for them or her. My wife has some issues and it doesn’t take much observation to see that her issues are rooted in how her parents treat each other.
I am also the child of divorced parents, I was the youngest of two kids in early elementary school at the time, and my parents and older brother all kept me in the dark as to why. It took some poking around of my own to learn why (my dad is an adulterer on the scale of many hundreds of instances across three marriages) and I still harbor some resentment towards all of them for not just telling me what the deal was. If you do leave your husband I would strongly recommend you come clean and tell your kids why. They are old enough to understand why what he did is gross and they won’t harbor any resentment towards you for hiding it from them.
Print everything out for proof (send a copy to your personal email too) and tell him he better delete that site or you’re handing that evidence to the neighbors and they can talk to him about how gross that is because he probably knew the girl as a minor at one point. Hand him divorce papers.
I wouldn’t skip to divorce. I acknowledge the urge though. I’d research and book 4 appointments with a respected local couples therapist. Hand him the piece of paper with dates and the address written on it. Absolutely refuse to discuss the why of it. Give him that look that says ‘you know me, you know something is up. You know this is what I’m asking for, so go with it if you want this marriage to last even one more day.’
Bring up what you found only in front of the therapist and let them guide you and the discussion. You get to vent, he has to explain, and listening to him is what you do for your kids. So that one day when they ask you, you can say you were calm and mature and heard him out.
Going to therapy is not accepting what he did. In any way. It’s just smart. You and your kids will need to figure out a way to be in touch with him anyway. And it helps you get over the shock of it all while you make big decisions. Financially you’ll need to hold your fire. Therapy lets you do that without completely pretending you don’t know. Good luck.
First I would take pictures as evidence.
Find a lawyer and then sit him down and tell him what you found and unless he wants you to blow up his world by telling her parents and all your friends and family he will quietly leave.
Does your neighbor know that he daughter is on that site? I’d gather evidence and alert the neighbor too. You can do it anonymously if you want. As a parent I would want to know so I could discuss it with my child. Lawyer up and figure out where you stand. Protect yourself physically, legally and financially. Begin meeting with a therapist to help create an exit plan.
Im a husband and I sub to all my friends’ content. My wife could care less.