We met in 2020 in Rotterdam, he left Argentina in 2019 due to a change in government he didn’t agree with. I’ve always known him as friendly, warm, caring, very respectful of people’s boundaries, just all around wonderful. We got married in March and his family couldn’t travel for economic reasons, so we planned to visit Argentina for a full month to celebrate his mother’s 73th birthday this month. I was expecting a family gathering, some close friends, and a quiet and peaceful time at his old house with an old lady. After all, my husband always said he’s an introvert.
What actually happened hit me like a ton of bricks. His mother? Very expressive and effusive, from the start. There’s no quiet in the house, it’s a constant home invasion of random people showing up, either to chat with her, or to catch up with my husband. We arrived last Saturday and I’m not joking when I say I’ve seen a hundred people since then, all of them very touchy-feely with hugs and kisses as the standard greeting. I knew latin culture was expressive, but I was caught off guard at how much.
I could handle it, if it were just that, but my husband’s completely changed. He is greeting everybody just as loudly and effusively, exaggerated hugs with pats in the back to people he later admits he barely knows. We went to visit one of his close friends at a small apartment, and when we arrived, there were at least 15 people in there, eating pizza and drinking beer. He didn’t bat an eye at this, just chatting away like it was completely normal. And his public displays of affection are overwhelming; he’s always hugging me and kissing me in public, talking about our private life with people who are complete strangers to me, and boasting about how great I am. I feel like I’m being paraded around like a prize.
I tried to talk to him about this at night when things calmed down, but he’s going to bed with so much energy and constantly smiling that I feel like I would ruin the trip for him if I asked him to tone it down. But I am having a lot of trouble reconciling the image of my quiet and measured husband, now jumping with 10 people in the middle of the park while singing a song about their soccer club.
I did ask him about his claims to being introverted, and he laughed and said he’s introverted “by argentinian standards”, which made me wonder, what on Earth is extroverted by argentinian standards, if a hundred people showing up in a week isn’t? He responded that so far I have seen “nothing” and that on Sunday it’s “friend’s day” and to expect a massive reunion. He’s out with his brother-in-law to pick up meat and coal for it already, and I’m here sitting and wondering what have I gotten myself into.
I don’t know how to deal with my husband having completely transformed like this. He’s clearly very happy here. Was he just faking being happy in the Netherlands? How can we go back to the quiet life we had, with our limited social circle, knowing that inside him there’s this deranged party animal aching to get out?
TL;DR: I don’t know how to deal with my husband being a completely different person in his hometown, and I’m afraid I never really knew him at all.
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I would have a panic attack and anxiety..
I hate socialising, enjoy your trip, it’s a month to go!
Happened the same to me, but i was in your husband’s position.
After I took my wife to my home country on holiday, I reverted to how I was before I met her.
In my case, it was automatic to wear the same masks and mimic everyone else behaviours that I learned to survive, unsupported in my clashing personality that always got dismissed as me being difficult, weird, etc.
I didn’t realise it was happening until she sat me down and was honest to me.
Maybe that’s his case also, just have an honest talk about it.
I think you’re going have to find a way of accepting this aspect of your husband’s personality and making peace with it as a part of who he is : people’s personalities are rarely fixed and one dimensional, we all vary according to context and according to who we are with. He will become calmer and quieter again when you return to your usual context. If it’s too overwhelming (which it would be for me too!) perhaps see if he will agree to carving out some quiet time just for you and him to go for a walk together just the two of you every day to reconnect.
People can be different in different contexts! He may be very happy in the Netherlands but still able to fall into the cultural norms of Argentina. He has experience with both places and both cultures – it seems like maybe you don’t. None of that is bad! You probably do need to have a conversation with him about that – I am sure he understands that you are from a much more reserved culture. He may be enjoying the current exuberance without really seeing how hard it could be on someone not from that culture.
You’re probably going to need to work out some balance of scheduling alone time and sucking it up and dealing with the differences. He is probably also thrilled to see family and friends and yes – show off his new wife. And to show all of that to you! Plenty of introverts like people and can be social for periods of time. He may also be happy to return to your normal life. In the meantime, it does sound like he’s happy and people are happy to see both of you. If he can help you figure out how to swim a little in his environment maybe you’ll feel less like you’re drowning.
“He didn’t bat an eye at this, just chatting away like it was completely normal.”
Sounds like it is completely normal for Argentinian’s to act this way. Your husband is responding to this.
Why do you think your husband is going to be different when you go back to the Netherlands? He can have different personalities in different environments. People are complex.
People act differently depending on context – and Dutch and Argentinian cultures are very different. Part of the wildness is that he doesn’t see these people very often, so everything is even more intense than it would otherwise be. Your husband being very different in this context also doesn’t mean that he wants to be different in another context – most likely he is very content with your life together in the Netherlands.
It sounds like you’re overwhelmed and experiencing some culture shock, which is very understandable. What are some things you can do now that would help you feel better? Here are some suggestions: Maybe ask your husband to book a spa day for you at a nice spa – you wouldn’t have to talk to anyone for a bit and would get a chance to recharge. Is it possible for you to stay at a hotel and just be the two of you for a day or two? That is also a way to get a little bit of your old dynamic back, which could help reassure you. You also don’t have to go with him to every excursion – obviously being around that many strangers for extended periods of time is overwhelming and takes a lot of energy. You can fake a migraine/flu to his family and tell your husband you just need a day of quiet by yourself.
Once you’re not quite this overwhelmed, you need to chat with your husband. What do you need reassurance about? It sounds like you need to know who the “real” personality is, but this might not be so simple. Both his quiet and peaceful nature in the Netherlands and his effusive and energetic nature in Argentina could be parts of his personality. People are complicated like that. Talk about what he can do to ease your culture shock – he’s experienced the reverse, so should be understanding, even though it’s been a while since he’s completely new to a culture.
My family is from the Caribbean and my husband has been in your situation. Everyone is a little different around family vs friends, even more so when the family is from a very different culture. When we go to my family parties, it’s common to fall into those previous patterns from childhood. It’s essentially code switching if you’ve heard of that before. Different groups of people call for different actions. If there’s anything specific you really don’t like him doing, speak up. But otherwise, he’s likely happy in both contexts, just in very different ways.
I’ve learned to help my husband through my crazy family gatherings and maybe you can ask your husband for something similar. I give him the expected headcount of the event, and list any people he absolutely will have to meet and greet and maybe chitchat with. I identify a corner for him to sit in and try to stay with him there, and engage him in conversation if he’s in the mood but if he’s overwhelmed from the party, then we just hold hands while I chat. Often there’s no pressure for the spouses to engage since my family is aware that we’re a lot, we’re just happy to be there. And eating a lot of the food and complimenting the chef will likely go a long way! My family lovesssss when my husband eats and enjoys the foods that are new to him.
And try to get that alone time as much as possible! Maybe find a quiet relative you vibe with and go on a walk around the neighborhood if possible
Talk to him. Your message should not be, “Stop having fun,” which is what you’re afraid of. Your message should be, “I’m feeling overwhelmed by so much commotion and socialization, and I’m confused and somewhat concerned about how different your personality seems to be here.”
A good partner would want to hear your feelings and work with you to help you feel better and ensure your needs are met. You are trying so hard to be considerate of him; he should be considerate of you, as well.
If this is real, this is just human nature, they adapt to their surroundings. Most people also act differently around their childhood friends and family in my experience. Especially if it’s a completely different culture. No, he’s not acting fake happy back home. You’re getting to see the hometown version of him! Embrace it and have fun, tell him you need some quiet time when you need quiet time.
Just be patient until you are back. This is all about context.
I am from Greece, dating a Flemish guy. We spent a week in Greece recently where I tried to get him to socialize with my old friends, but they sometimes went out too late for him (like 10pm), or smoked, stuff he absolutely could not tolerate. They are also less strict about planning, we used to sometimes do things spontaneously. He accused me at some point of “running after” my friends because I wanted to actually see them, and for him to meet them, which did piss me off, but I eventually just accepted that it’s a lost battle and I won’t try to make the worlds converge. It’s a bit sad but I don’t plan to be in Greece much so it’s ok.
I am perfectly happy living abroad and do not plan to go back anytime soon, I am also a lot more reserved and don’t smoke and I didn’t fit in well in my home country, but if I were to be as strict as he is it would be like social suicide. So yea, this is how he HAS to be if he wants to be part of the community. It’s also normal for him to have missed his home and family after so long, of course he would be happy.
Hi. Argentinian living abroad here.
I have a few questions and a few comments.
How long has it been since your husband visited Arg? If it’s been 5 years, I can totally understand the swarming of people visiting to say hi. They missed him.
Reading everything else you mention, it just sounds like normal southamerican warmth and culture. We are loud, expressive, touchy, we love hugging and kissing and laughing loudly. We enjoy life.
When we move abroad (not everyone, but most) we adjust to the culture of the place we moved in because we want to fit in, to be a part of the place. He toned down his Argentinian/southamerican normalcy for the Northern European “don’t ask don’t hug don’t be a bother to anyone” mindset. And guess what. Both are ok.
You are experiencing cultural shock, you can ride that wave and learn something different or be mad that it’s not what you like. if you expect this to go away and control who he is it just says more about you than him.
He is not a different person now that he is back in his safe place. That’s who he is girl.
Enjoy and go eat some asado, drink some fernet, dance some cumbia, destroy the neoliberal pos we have as a current president while you’re there lol
It’s a beautiful country with loving and warm people; try to enjoy it!
As a Latina, you’re probably just overthinking it.
When I lived in Europe, I was much calmer too, it was just the environment around me. In my own country, I’m much more extroverted and I can totally relate to what he said about being considered an introvert by Latin American standards, because I feel the same.
The way your husband is acting is actually very typical for Latinos, there’s nothing wrong with it.
And Argentina is a great country; you should definitely take the time to explore it instead in just meeting family and friends.
If you need a break, tell him. Don’t make him feel bad for enjoying his time and seeing people he doesn’t see often. But it’s ok to go stay in a hotel for a few days by yourself to recharge.
as someone who comes from a boisterous Latino family myself, who is considered introverted by Hispanic standards….I would agree Latino introversion is different than European 😂
he is simply experiencing his expressive culture. we tend to be loud, welcoming to strangers, and expressing affection !
hes lived in your world so long, try embracing his the way hes embraced yours. it could strengthen your bond in the long run 🫶
I think you need to address your own anxiety problems maybe? This is coming from someone who is definitely different around people they aren’t familiar with compared to friends. I’m sure you’re husband is just happy to see old friends and enjoy himself as well as showing you off. Nothing wrong with letting him know it feels overwhelming, but I don’t think it’s any reason to think of him differently.
Don’t say anything to him about it. Let him enjoy his visit home. Right now, he’s seeing the people he loves after a long time away. Of course, he’s excited! Try to bear it as much as you can. When you need a break, go for a walk or spend some time in a park (if it is safe to do so). When he gets back home to the Netherlands, he will adapt his behavior to the local reserved, quiet culture that you know and love.
My mother is Mexican and my father is German, and he has talked about feeling very, very similar things when he first went with her to visit her family (which is already a large family, plus neighbors, plus coworkers, plus friends, plus friends-of-friends, plus cousins, plus cousins-of-cousins, and so on… Latin social lives are often very wide and connected 😂). You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed! He was so baffled by it that he has described getting headaches every day for about a week straight from so much social interaction.
My mother is typically very introverted and quiet in small groups, especially outside of Mexico, but around her extended family she really transforms. It’s not that she’s happier per se, it’s just that ways of communicating and interacting with people are simply very different, and that it can be very easy to revert / go with the flow when you’re put back into the cultural context you were raised in.
As their daughter, I see both of my parents lean more into their cultural upbringing when we’re around their families of origin. But they’re still the same people, even if parts of their personalities take the forefront depending on who we’re around. My father is still the more emotive/silly one among his family, when their picture of a rowdy time is playing Yahtzee at the dinner table. My mother is still the introvert/’old soul’ among her family, when their picture of a rowdy time is a crowded carne asada where someone’s uncle has too many beers and attempts to do a rooftop stunt while wearing a Spiderman costume he found in storage.
What I do know is that despite the wide range in social lives between their families, my parents have lived a very joyful 30+ years together and that they make each other better and happier people. Wishing you the same 🙂
I really hope your husband never finds out about this post. You sound very negative, bitter and stuck up 😅 don’t ruin his first trip back after 5 years.
Similar situation, moved to the Netherlands in 2016, family lives in the caribbean but have latin roots. I try to go home every year to visit my parents and each time my whole family and friends are very excited to see me.
Constant visits, family reunions let’s do this together a small gathering suddenly turns into 50+ people when you have a big family. Everyone is excited to see the person living abroad.
Latin people can be loud the same way people say italians are always screaming.
I think that you are feeling left out, probably because of the cultural difference & language barrier with his family.
Try to embrace the warmth & loudness and energy that is around you. Ask more questions about his family, friends & culture but please don’t ruin the trip for him. Don’t make him feel bad that he’s in his element.
I struggle making friends with a real deep connection in the Netherlands because I feel typical Dutch people are not as open, warm or nurturing as my people back home. So my Dutch friends get a very toned down version of me because there isn’t really much to connect with or incentive to get to know them better.
Ask yourself why you’re husband can’t be 100% himself around you & your “circle”.
I have relatives and friends who are Argentinians and they are like this too. They have a personality for Europe and on for Latin America. It’s just a month, enjoy? (I mean suck it up, I would feel like you and the tenth person I would receive them with a cease and desist order)
You are getting thrown in, in the deep end! Welcome and know that all is truly wonderful. Here’s the deal. Different cultures, especially the Latin culture are truly closely knit. They relish time together and relish loving the people that are loved by people they love.
I entered the pool in the shallow end. I met my now wife 6 years ago and learned that when we visit her Colombian friends’ group that lives about 2 hours away, which we do every 6 weeks or so, I’m in a whole new social world. I have the benefit a weekend experiences such as you are getting emersed in and I’ve come to realize, especially since I don’t speak Spanish, that I’m along for the ride and I truly have zero idea what I’m instore for. I have no idea what is to come even a half hour into the future. I’ve learned to let go and enjoy the ride and also accept that my own culture is lame, genuine friendliness is far different then what I imagined.
Don’t future trip worry about your hubby and that he is being deprived. There are reasons he made the decisions that he did, and apparently his decision making is pretty good as he decided to marry you. How can you complain about that?
His friends, family acquaintances genuinely care about each other and about you. ENJOY!!!! In retrospect, how hard it must have been for them to not attend your wedding? They are making up for it now.
I can hardly repay all the kindnesses that have been shown to me by people are hardly know and struggle to remember by name. I hope this helps you. Peace, g.
Did you ever think about the fact that he had to adapt coming to the netherlands? If he acted like that over there he‘d get strange looks all the time and that’s just exhausting, seriously. He’s still the same man but he just has another side to him.
That’s who he is when he’s at home.
My family is international, my friends are hispanic but living in Europe, and we’re all just glad we met each other because it’s a tiny portion of home in another world and we can share and “release” that part of us instead of hiding it 100% of the time. When you said he’s introverted I literally thought “introverted for Argentinian standards”. You’re not a prize, you’re meeting everyone he’s known his whole life for the first time and is probably still pretty proud to have married you etc. If you fee uncomfortable with public affection you gotta tell him and it’s also okay to ask for a break from all the people and ask if you can stay home for a day (probably alone then cause he has limited time there) or if you two can do something alone. They’re also probably coming together all at once because in this situation you never know when you’ll see each other again. And don’t doubt what you have in the Netherlands. There’s a reason he moved there and decided to stay with you. Just because he’s different and happy he’s home doesn’t mean he hates your life in Europe.
Your husband is happy. Enjoy it!
I’m sure by the time you’re getting back on the plane to go home he’ll be exhausted and ready to go back into hibernation. But I would take this as a sign that maybe your social life in Rotterdam could use a little shaking up. Being an introvert doesn’t mean you don’t want to have friends or socialize at all. Humans are social animals.
He’s not introverted with the people he knows and feels comfortable with. I am the same. I never visited my home country with a partner after living years abroad, but I had friends that were from the same country, and my behaviour was very different when we got together. We were loud, fast talking, he couldn’t understand us of course, we’d have inner jokes about our culture that no one else would get. It’s not something conscious. There have been studies made, that people who are bilingual have different personalities depending on the language they are speaking, and I can confirm this, but like I said, it’s not conscious. His friends and family in Argentina probably miss him a lot so they are excited to spend time with him, therefore the parade of visitors. He will go back to how he usually is when you fly back home.